Thursday, February 25, 2010

Immobilizing Snowfall!


I really love the ominous nature of the Accuweather maps. It's snowing, not raining blood.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

California is tough on crime


Watch CBS News Videos Online

I don’t want to harp on this or anything, but yesterday the head of the California state parole system, Matthew Cates, admitted that “the man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard fell through the cracks.”

Matthew Cates is a pretty insightful guy. How big are those cracks exactly?

According to News 10 in Sacramento:
California Parole Board Commissioner Bilenda Harris-Ritter cites parole officers' failures to check the backyard, where there were tented areas, with electrical cords connected from the house, where Dugard was living with her two daughters fathered by Garrido.

She says the most egregious failure may have been by a parole officer who documented that a 12-year old girl was living in the Garrido home, but who did nothing about it, even though the terms of Garrdio's parole forbid him from having such contact with young girls.

Garrido had been classified as a "low-risk" sex offender, even though he had a history of kidnapping and violent rape in Nevada from years before.


Ah, ok, so...really fucking big.


--Hi, I’m here to check in following your release from prison for dealing cocaine. What’s all this white stuff in these conveniently packaged rectangular blocks?

--Oh, I sell powdered sugar by the kilo now.  For baking.  People love cupcakes.

--Well that makes sense. Cupcakes are delicious. Carry on.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

All-Out Blizzard Wednesday!


We’re about to be in the midst of a snowstorm. The drama queen weathermen are anticipating something that looks like that movie with Jake Gyllenhall.......what was that movie called? Ah, The Day After Tomorrow. What did we do before IMDB? Also, Gyllenhaal is spelled like that. Not how I spelled it before. I could have just corrected myself, but I’m not hiding my flaws anymore. Here I am, world.

Anyway, I’m not a meteorologist, so I have no choice but to listen to their wild predictions for tonight and tomorrow. Driving is discouraged, trains are expecting major delays, and the airlines have thrown in the towel altogether. (Wusses.) Here in the city, all city public schools will be closed, which means those lucky little rugrats will be making snowmen in the streets of New York with heroin needle noses and little used-condom hats, and while they’re finding broken umbrella snowmen arms, and while everyone else in the northeast is snowed in with hot toddies and electric blankets, I will be at work. According to the email we just received from HR. Goddamn productive company.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I hope he ends up with Vienna

If you’ve watched The Bachelor with any consistency, then you know that ABC seems to be trying to out-boring itself with the snoozefest of dorks they cast as the bachelor. And this year they’ve really outdone themselves with Jake Pavelka. The only way this idiot could be less funny, is if he were in a coma. Actually, maybe he’d be funnier in a coma. Like if the doctors got bored one day and drew a mustache and a pirate eye patch on his face with a Sharpie, and then got a parrot to sit on his shoulder telling knock-knock jokes. That would be the funniest thing he’s ever done. And he didn’t even do it. He’s in a coma. He should thank those doctors.

He was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night, and for the love of Christ, I dare you to try to watch this whole thing without cringing every time he tries to make a joke. It’s like watching…I don’t know, what’s the least funny thing ever? Dane Cook? It's like watching Dane Cook without the wild gesturing and squatting.  Not so funny, is it?