Gah-ross

I posted this last year and I started to do what this person is doing but I have a life (I’m lazy) and they barely beat me to it (I never would have done it.) So here you go:

STFUMarrieds.tumblr.com, also known as Another Example of How I Never Follow Through

If you’re like me, sticking your finger down your throat grosses you out, and this is way easier. It’s like a month until bikini season and my thai lunch isn’t going to come back up on its own.

You Teach Real Good

I really hate bad spelling and grammar. Like, really really hate it. Like, insanely, probably-a-little-bit-overboard-crazy hate it. But come on. We all go to school. It’s the law. So unless you’re Jodie Foster in that movie about that girl who was raised by wolves or antelope or something, you should be able to figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re." Also different words: "than" and "then." Totally different meanings. I know, it's mind blowing.

My sister teaches the 5th grade and she's really freaking good at it, but that's not always the case. So, in the spirit of seeing how long it'll take me to go into a rage blackout, these Facebook status updates were written by a teacher. Who teaches AP English. And has her Masters in Literature. I'm not even effing kidding. Good luck, kids in her class. I wish you all the best at Red Lobster. They have a really competitive management program.

No acid reflux! Yea!! Apparently he is an extremely hungry baby. He now ways 9.1 lbs. Crazy!!

Taken aiden to the doctor tomorrow for possible acid reflux. hmm... not good!

Thanks aunt pam. it was fun talking to u yesterday. u and wyatt r so adorable together.

I have more photos to add, but I will have to do that later. If your a mom you know how that is... haha

I cant believe aiden is two weeks old! he has grown so much! he now ways 7.5 lbs. and is 20 inches long!



*On Facebook, seconds after posting this:
Not a better way to end your day then at the four seasons, munching on wasabi peas, and vodka soda w my bestie
THAN. For God's sake, it's THAN. I went to college with you. COLLEGE.

I think you have the wrong inbox

I’d like to know what terrifying wrong turn I made in life, that for some horrific reason, I ended up on the email list for this:


SATURDAY, MAY 15
3 PM & 7:30 PM
Star Wars In Concert is a massive multi-media event featuring stunning visuals, a live orchestra, choir and narration, plus an exclusive exhibit
of Star Wars costumes, props and production artwork!

May 15th is going to be one lonely day in the World of Warcraft.

South Park - Make Love, Not Warcraft

DARK RIDER | MySpace Video

People love cupcakes.

Here’s what happened: I made too many cupcakes. I wanted to make some chocolate and some yellow, and making half a batch seems wasteful, so I made a full batch of each. The word “batch” is weird when you say it more than once. Anyway, I made too many, and as the definition of “too many” would suggest, they weren’t all eaten. After the Oscars, Ryan and I left Rick and Kristin’s new Park Slope apartment, and on the way to the G train, made this cruel cold world and the hearts and stomachs of passersby, a little warmer. You might not think people would take a cupcake from a stranger on the street, but they did. They all did.

(OK, one guy on the subway platform didn’t take one. Snob. I’m spreading goodwill toward men, asshole.)


Whoever said New Yorkers aren't friendly never gave out free cupcakes in Brooklyn at midnight on a Sunday. This guy knows. And is that my good friend Jeff Allen, drinking coffee with him at 47 seconds? I think it is.



*Update: they're drinking cider.

That was kind of a downer, so look at this guy! Ryan waited for the train with him once. I wonder where he's going.

Who could have seen this coming? A blind person.

They finally arrested the psychopath who killed Chelsea King when they found his semen on her underwear, and it’s so weird that he’d do something this brutal because he’s never displayed this sort of violent behavior before. Heeeey...

In addition to murder, Gardner was charged with assault with the intent to commit rape, for an attack on another woman in the same park last December, according to District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. Authorities say they also are investigating whether Gardner might be responsible for the February 2009 disappearance of Escondido High School freshman Amber Dubois, who was 14 when she vanished while walking to campus.
In 2000, Gardner was convicted of assaulting and molesting a girl. The victim, a 13-year-old neighbor, said he repeatedly punched her in the face and fondled her at his mother's townhouse, which is about a mile from Rancho Bernardo Community Park.

PHEW! Convicted! And even better:

Dr. Matthew Carroll, a psychiatrist who interviewed Gardner following the 2000 assault, described him as "callous" and lacking remorse, making him "an extremely poor candidate for any sexual offender treatment," according to court records. "It is my opinion that (Gardner) would be a continued danger to underage girls in the community," Carroll wrote as he recommended the maximum sentence of 30 years in prison.

So naturally…

Gardner was sentenced to six years in prison and served five before he was released in September 2005. He was on probation until 2008.

I’ve mentioned this before, but if you’re contemplating a career in crime, it’s tempting to lean towards something in drugs or maybe something in the con arts (being a con artist seems really fun!) but violent rape seems to carry the most lenient sentences and probation if you should get caught, so that’s something to think about. That’s a pretty big one for the “pro” side.

The point is, goldfish live longer than we keep rapists in jail, so you should get some pepper spray.
pepperface.com

*Guys, I had to remove the personal aspect of this post cause the dude was caught and now we're in court and it's a whole thing.  Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.