CHAMPAGNE FRIDAYS

Newport Mouse

2010-09-27T17:25:00.002-04:00

That mouse thing the other day made me think of this. I should have posted this with that, but I didn’t. I’d like to see you remember everything all the time.

A couple of years ago, we rented a house in Newport, RI and found a dead mouse half sticking out of a bag of chips that had been left in the cabinet from the last guests. The lady who owned the place was really embarrassed when we told her, as you can imagine. We did a little investigative work to determine the cause of death ("too many chips") and then wrapped the little guy up to send him on his journey to his final resting place.
Anyway the recurring theme from last month is this: mouse in the trash—hot button issue. Is Laine compassionate and kindhearted for not wanting the furry roach to end up in the garbage? Am I cold and heartless for not caring? The answer? “Throw it out the window.” And I’m the bad guy.

Are we cool with this now?

2010-08-30T16:20:00.004-04:00

I don’t want to be a stickler for political correctness or social decency or anything (what am I, some kind of nerd?) but NBC putting money in Chris Brown’s pocket to use his song during the Emmys last night seems at the very least, insensitive.

But what do I know, I can’t keep up with the kids these days. Are we cool with dudes beating up their girlfriends now? Someone has to tell me these things, I’m not on Twitter. Can I get some sort of newsletter or something? Good thing this Emmy producer is more on top of things than I am. (His wife tried to tell him that it might be nice to pay a musician who doesn’t bash their girlfriend’s head in, but it’s really hard to understand someone with a fat lip.)

*It's not really fair to use Jimmy Fallon's picture, he never did anything to anyone. Including make them laugh.

I assume you're kidding

2010-08-26T17:23:00.000-04:00

"I love this picture of you two! Idiot*, you have married one amazing man! Moron*, I am SO happy for you!" was a Facebook comment on a photo of a certain newly-married couple yesterday.

I would never wish anyone ill will or anything, and I don’t really care what goes on with this couple or the amnesia victim who wrote that comment, but for God’s sake, someone be honest here.

Saying "you have married one amazing man!” about a guy who consistently cheated on his first wife and led a double life with a girlfriend on the side, is like saying “you have married someone who definitely won’t stab you to death!” about OJ Simpson. I don’t wanna ruin the surprise or anything, but…no, you haven’t.

*names have been changed.

Marcel the Shell

2010-08-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

I invited some friends from upstate to come eat salad.

I don't think you're cute

2010-08-17T14:27:00.007-04:00

There are a lot of reasons to live in New York. A billion people live here (I tried to walk through Chinatown the other day--a billion seems like a conservative estimate) despite it being vomit-inducingly expensive, so there has to be a reason. I love it. I really do. I “heart” NY or whatever, ok? What I don’t “heart” (other than people saying “I heart…” things--honestly, that needs to stop) are mice. Also poor people, waking up early, and the blind. Sunglasses inside? Come on. But right now, mice. They run too fast, their teeth can cut through titanium, the long tail and that claw-paw are scary and they look like Joanna Garcia. And Sunday night, we came face to pointy face. Most girls are afraid of mice, but I’m a strong, independent woman. You can’t come into my house and push me around. Who do you think you are? So I got off the chair, put my fears aside, tucked my pajama pants into my Hunters......and called Jeff to come over and get this thing out of my apartment, because *ear-piercing shrieks*.

After taking 68 bags and 112 pairs of shoes off the floor of my closet (and realizing I might be a hoarder) we finally found him behind the bed, and devised a plan of sticky traps and pathways that too ironically resembled a 50’s science experiment that ended with toxic glue instead of cheese.

Some people get all up in arms about glue traps being inhumane (*see idiots below) and even Jeff had a look of guilt on his face as he picked him up and took him outside to the trash, but I don’t share that sentiment. They’re rodents, not pets. Movies make you think they’re cute and friendly, but I didn’t hear one note of "Somewhere Out There," and he wasn’t wearing a hat or a jacket or anything.

I thought about doing whatever it is you’re supposed to do to free them from the glue (if there is such a thing) so that he could spread the word about 1B and the terror he had endured there, but then I remembered that my campaign platform is “tough on crime."

*This isn't helping, PETA. It's just embarrassing. (Is that one girl topless?)

You, your kids and your Johnson

2010-07-26T18:53:00.005-04:00

I guess a lot of people have seen this already. I hadn't until Rick and Kristin forced me into being in the loop, but that's no surprise. I'm really skeptical of things like this, but by all accounts, this really was a commercial in the 80s or whenever. Are there any old people who read this who can confirm? I was way too young to remember.

Also, maybe I didn't pay attention to boating commercials because we didn't have a boat. Now that I think about it, I didn't have a pony or a bouncy house growing up either. I'm not saying we were on food stamps or anything, but sometimes the pool would take a really long time to heat up in the winter. I want to swim NOW!

WTF is going on, China?

2010-05-13T14:53:00.006-04:00

The CNN widget on my phone only shows the first couple of words from a headline, and yesterday (I started to write this yesterday and never got around to it, ok? I’ve got other stuff going on, I have my own life, stop suffocating me!) it said, "Meat cleaver used..."

Since "Meat cleaver used...to cut meat" isn't really newsworthy, and "Meat cleaver used...to slay Perez Hilton" doesn’t seem likely, you know the rest of that sentence can't be what you want to hear. What it said was, "Meat cleaver used in China school attack."

Holy shit.

A man with a kitchen cleaver hacked to death a teacher and seven kindergarten students -- five boys and two girls. He then returned home and committed suicide, state media said.

I don’t know how I never heard about the 4 times this happened before (I said I’ve been busy! And also, they never put “meat cleaver” in a headline before this) but apparently this is the fifth time this has happened since March.

(CNN) -- March 23: A man stabs eight students to death and wounds five others at an elementary school in Fujian province. The attacker, a former community doctor, was executed.

April 28: A male teacher barged into a primary school in southern Guangdong province, wounding 16 pupils and a teacher.

April 29: An unemployed man stormed into a kindergarten in Taixing city in Jiangsu province with a knife. At least 28 children were injured, most of them four year olds.

April 30, a man armed with a hammer injured five preschool children in east China before setting himself on fire in a classroom suicide, a government spokesman told Xinhua news agency. The attacker held two children in his arms as he poured gasoline over himself, the spokesman said. Teachers in Weifang City, Shandong province, pulled the children away, as the man died, the spokesman said.

May 12: Seven children were killed, and at least 20 others wounded after an attack at a kindergarten in Shaanxi province.

Frankly, all these knife attacks are a little cliché. You’re all master swordsmen, we get it. Everyone saw Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Actually, I didn’t, but I assume it has something to do with the Chinese and I think the girl fights someone with a sword at some point.

I don’t know how anyone could do something like this, or what makes crazy people crazy, but maybe there’s a logical explanation. The first guy to do it on March 23rd said he was frustrated by "failures in his romantic life...” It sounds extreme, but Chinese kids are adorable and who needs that kind of competition?

In case you were thinking of seeing The Addams Family musical...

2010-04-30T13:02:00.008-04:00

I can’t really pretend to know anything about the theater scene in New York (or culture in general, really) but I know that Broadway tickets cost like $100 and no one wants to pay $100 to be disappointed. $100 is a lot of money. Not to me, of course, I use $100 bills to throw at anyone who approaches me on the street because poor people are sad and usually creepy and I don’t need that negative energy bringin me down, but for other people, $100 is probably like, at least 2 meals or something. Anyway, my friend Jon made a really helpful website. What a guy. Sorry ladies, he's taken!

www.stagegrade.com

If the guy in the picture had used it, maybe he wouldn't look so confused. I know everyone looooves Phantom of the Opera, but the organ music is a bit excessive and where did he get ALL those candles?

The kid's got UPS

2010-04-21T15:34:00.008-04:00

Brian Kownacki came in to pinch hit for Fordham yesterday when they were down 9-1 against Iona, and he either really really wanted to win, or Iona catcher James Beck has something contagious that we don’t know about. I hope it’s the first thing, because ew.

They Robert Downey Jr-ed and ended up winning 12-9. Congrats, kids.

Sting receives human rights award in Chile--Wait, no, this is a different story

2010-04-20T16:26:00.010-04:00

I know everyone’s all up in arms about Sting taking $2 million dollars to perform for dictator—president president! —Islam Karimov and everything, because over in Uzbekistan he’s always torturing people and fixing elections, and reporters who oppose him mysteriously get shot three times at close range, and one time he ordered the massacre of 200 civilians including women and children, but in Sting’s defense: Cannonball!

And in my defense: I've always thought Sting was kind of a dick. I win!

Hugh and I have a lot in common

2010-04-16T16:59:00.005-04:00

I said this a while back, and now someone's finally backing me up.

Hugh Hefner talked to the Las Vegas Review-Journal the other day (for some reason) and when asked if he thought Tiger could be faithful from now on, Hef said…

“He can if he wants to. But this whole idea that it’s a sex addiction is a copout. Some people become obsessed with sex, but it’s not like an alcohol or drug addiction. He did it because he could get away with it.”

Say what you want about Hugh Hefner and his live-in whores, but he’s 100% honest about being a womanizing maniac, and those girls know exactly what they’re doing. In fact, they just run around in shorts and eat ice cream in bed. If you were born without self respect or a gag reflex, it wouldn't be a bad gig.

Ouch!

2010-04-09T17:48:00.004-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This guy and his escort--oh, lawyer--went on the Today show today and holy shit, I don’t know how he’s alive, but someone should tell Ann that you shouldn't make a “thrown under the bus” joke to someone who was actually thrown under a bus. It's in poor taste. And more importantly, now I can't make that joke myself.

2010 Census confirms: Hipsters are apathetic. World gasps.

2010-04-09T16:04:00.015-04:00

They say the census is important. The government needs to know how many people there are in whatever city you live in, so they can give out money for schools and hospitals and stuff. Ok, that makes sense, I’ll buy it. Also, if you don’t fill one out, you won’t get a nametag for the big USA party at the end of the year. I think the American Idol cast is going to perform, it should be really good. Unfortunately, according to the New York Times, some of us might not be invited:

New York is a city of procrastinators.
Or at least that is what the Census Bureau hopes. The more pessimistic view is that New Yorkers simply don’t care.

New York City is way behind on sending in their census forms, is their snotty point. Bloomberg put together this list of who is the MOST way behind, and hold on to your Ray Bans:

bringing up the rear is Williamsburg in Brooklyn, with a rate of 31.3 percent

Williamsburg?! I haven’t been this surprised since that time I was the least surprised ever.

Ok, I haven’t filled out mine either, but I WILL. I really will. And if you happen to know where I live, shut up.

Gah-ross

2010-03-31T18:52:00.008-04:00

I posted this last year and I started to do what this person is doing but I have a life (I’m lazy) and they barely beat me to it (I never would have done it.) So here you go:

STFUMarrieds.tumblr.com, also known as Another Example of How I Never Follow Through

If you’re like me, sticking your finger down your throat grosses you out, and this is way easier. It’s like a month until bikini season and my thai lunch isn’t going to come back up on its own.

You Teach Real Good

2010-03-31T17:24:00.012-04:00

I really hate bad spelling and grammar. Like, really really hate it. Like, insanely, probably-a-little-bit-overboard-crazy hate it. But come on. We all go to school. It’s the law. So unless you’re Jodie Foster in that movie about that girl who was raised by wolves or antelope or something, you should be able to figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re." Also different words: "than" and "then." Totally different meanings. I know, it's mind blowing.

My sister teaches the 5th grade and she's really freaking good at it, but that's not always the case. So, in the spirit of seeing how long it'll take me to go into a rage blackout, these Facebook status updates were written by a teacher. Who teaches AP English. And has her Masters in Literature. I'm not even effing kidding. Good luck, kids in her class. I wish you all the best at Red Lobster. They have a really competitive management program.

No acid reflux! Yea!! Apparently he is an extremely hungry baby. He now ways 9.1 lbs. Crazy!!

Taken aiden to the doctor tomorrow for possible acid reflux. hmm... not good!

Thanks aunt pam. it was fun talking to u yesterday. u and wyatt r so adorable together.

I have more photos to add, but I will have to do that later. If your a mom you know how that is... haha

I cant believe aiden is two weeks old! he has grown so much! he now ways 7.5 lbs. and is 20 inches long!

*On Facebook, seconds after posting this:
Not a better way to end your day then at the four seasons, munching on wasabi peas, and vodka soda w my bestie
THAN. For God's sake, it's THAN. I went to college with you. COLLEGE.

I think you have the wrong inbox

2010-03-22T17:08:00.008-04:00

I’d like to know what terrifying wrong turn I made in life, that for some horrific reason, I ended up on the email list for this:

SATURDAY, MAY 15
3 PM & 7:30 PM
Star Wars In Concert is a massive multi-media event featuring stunning visuals, a live orchestra, choir and narration, plus an exclusive exhibit
of Star Wars costumes, props and production artwork!

May 15th is going to be one lonely day in the World of Warcraft.

South Park - Make Love, Not Warcraft

DARK RIDER | MySpace Video

People love cupcakes.

2010-03-09T18:16:00.004-05:00

Here’s what happened: I made too many cupcakes. I wanted to make some chocolate and some yellow, and making half a batch seems wasteful, so I made a full batch of each. The word “batch” is weird when you say it more than once. Anyway, I made too many, and as the definition of “too many” would suggest, they weren’t all eaten. After the Oscars, Ryan and I left Rick and Kristin’s new Park Slope apartment, and on the way to the G train, made this cruel cold world and the hearts and stomachs of passersby, a little warmer. You might not think people would take a cupcake from a stranger on the street, but they did. They all did.

(OK, one guy on the subway platform didn’t take one. Snob. I’m spreading goodwill toward men, asshole.)

Whoever said New Yorkers aren't friendly never gave out free cupcakes in Brooklyn at midnight on a Sunday. This guy knows. And is that my good friend Jeff Allen, drinking coffee with him at 47 seconds? I think it is.

*Update: they're drinking cider.

2010-03-05T12:16:00.003-05:00

That was kind of a downer, so look at this guy! Ryan waited for the train with him once. I wonder where he's going.

Who could have seen this coming? A blind person.

2010-03-04T18:19:00.039-05:00

They finally arrested the psychopath who killed Chelsea King when they found his semen on her underwear, and it’s so weird that he’d do something this brutal because he’s never displayed this sort of violent behavior before. Heeeey...

In addition to murder, Gardner was charged with assault with the intent to commit rape, for an attack on another woman in the same park last December, according to District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. Authorities say they also are investigating whether Gardner might be responsible for the February 2009 disappearance of Escondido High School freshman Amber Dubois, who was 14 when she vanished while walking to campus.
In 2000, Gardner was convicted of assaulting and molesting a girl. The victim, a 13-year-old neighbor, said he repeatedly punched her in the face and fondled her at his mother's townhouse, which is about a mile from Rancho Bernardo Community Park.

PHEW! Convicted! And even better:

Dr. Matthew Carroll, a psychiatrist who interviewed Gardner following the 2000 assault, described him as "callous" and lacking remorse, making him "an extremely poor candidate for any sexual offender treatment," according to court records. "It is my opinion that (Gardner) would be a continued danger to underage girls in the community," Carroll wrote as he recommended the maximum sentence of 30 years in prison.

So naturally…

Gardner was sentenced to six years in prison and served five before he was released in September 2005. He was on probation until 2008.

I’ve mentioned this before, but if you’re contemplating a career in crime, it’s tempting to lean towards something in drugs or maybe something in the con arts (being a con artist seems really fun!) but violent rape seems to carry the most lenient sentences and probation if you should get caught, so that’s something to think about. That’s a pretty big one for the “pro” side.

The point is, goldfish live longer than we keep rapists in jail, so you should get some pepper spray.
pepperface.com

*Guys, I had to remove the personal aspect of this post cause the dude was caught and now we're in court and it's a whole thing. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.

Immobilizing Snowfall!

2010-02-25T17:52:00.008-05:00

I really love the ominous nature of the Accuweather maps. It's snowing, not raining blood.

There's going to be hell to pay!

2010-02-25T17:07:00.017-05:00

This is about comic books, so there is no possible way I would have ever heard about this if wwtdd.com hadn’t posted it, because I don’t survive on Hot Pockets or live with my parents, and I understand normal social cues, but the comic book world is up in arms and has started this Facebook page that has something to do with comic book author(?) illustrator(?) loser(?), Gene Simmons’ son Nick (Gene Simmons has a son?) who apparently ripped off some other comic book nerd’s annoyingly huge-eyed anime and passed it off as his own. That’s not my point, though, because who the hell cares about comic books. The point is that Gene Simmons gives A+ legal advice.

Nick Simmons: “I’ve asked Facebook to shut down this slanderous page….I’ve asked facebook to log all the IP addresses of this page and suspend you accounts or my father will sue. We’ll see who gets the last laugh!"

“Listen everyone... you’re all digging your own graves posting on this forum. Facebook is looking into suspending this page and issuing any warnings for slander against me….I will ask Facebook not to press any charges against you if you give me a sincere apology here in this thread. Please do so. Facebook keeps all your IP addresses and info... so they will suspend your account if I do not receive proper apologies."

"...my dad just called and said I have a real case against all this slander. If Facebook doesn't give into my demands soon there's going to be hell to pay…."

If you’re the result of Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed’s drug-ridden DNA, I know you’re not holding out for a full ride to MIT or anything, but no one is this stupid. I don’t really care about his little picture books or if he actually believes that Facebook will suspend 1,000 users because they said something mean about him. The important thing is that this is his profile picture. And that’s the real crime.

California is tough on crime

2010-02-17T19:37:00.007-05:00

Watch CBS News Videos Online

I don’t want to harp on this or anything, but yesterday the head of the California state parole system, Matthew Cates, admitted that “the man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard fell through the cracks.”

Matthew Cates is a pretty insightful guy. How big are those cracks exactly?

According to News 10 in Sacramento:

California Parole Board Commissioner Bilenda Harris-Ritter cites parole officers' failures to check the backyard, where there were tented areas, with electrical cords connected from the house, where Dugard was living with her two daughters fathered by Garrido.

She says the most egregious failure may have been by a parole officer who documented that a 12-year old girl was living in the Garrido home, but who did nothing about it, even though the terms of Garrdio's parole forbid him from having such contact with young girls.

Garrido had been classified as a "low-risk" sex offender, even though he had a history of kidnapping and violent rape in Nevada from years before.

Ah, ok, so...really fucking big.

--Hi, I’m here to check in following your release from prison for dealing cocaine. What’s all this white stuff in these conveniently packaged rectangular blocks?

--Oh, I sell powdered sugar by the kilo now. For baking. People love cupcakes.

--Well that makes sense. Cupcakes are delicious. Carry on.

All-Out Blizzard Wednesday!

2010-02-09T17:37:00.006-05:00

We’re about to be in the midst of a snowstorm. The drama queen weathermen are anticipating something that looks like that movie with Jake Gyllenhall.......what was that movie called? Ah, The Day After Tomorrow. What did we do before IMDB? Also, Gyllenhaal is spelled like that. Not how I spelled it before. I could have just corrected myself, but I’m not hiding my flaws anymore. Here I am, world.

Anyway, I’m not a meteorologist, so I have no choice but to listen to their wild predictions for tonight and tomorrow. Driving is discouraged, trains are expecting major delays, and the airlines have thrown in the towel altogether. (Wusses.) Here in the city, all city public schools will be closed, which means those lucky little rugrats will be making snowmen in the streets of New York with heroin needle noses and little used-condom hats, and while they’re finding broken umbrella snowmen arms, and while everyone else in the northeast is snowed in with hot toddies and electric blankets, I will be at work. According to the email we just received from HR. Goddamn productive company.

I hope he ends up with Vienna

2010-02-03T14:37:00.001-05:00

If you’ve watched The Bachelor with any consistency, then you know that ABC seems to be trying to out-boring itself with the snoozefest of dorks they cast as the bachelor. And this year they’ve really outdone themselves with Jake Pavelka. The only way this idiot could be less funny, is if he were in a coma. Actually, maybe he’d be funnier in a coma. Like if the doctors got bored one day and drew a mustache and a pirate eye patch on his face with a Sharpie, and then got a parrot to sit on his shoulder telling knock-knock jokes. That would be the funniest thing he’s ever done. And he didn’t even do it. He’s in a coma. He should thank those doctors.

He was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night, and for the love of Christ, I dare you to try to watch this whole thing without cringing every time he tries to make a joke. It’s like watching…I don’t know, what’s the least funny thing ever? Dane Cook? The Holocaust? It’s like watching the Holocaust, only this time everyone lives. Too bad.

Chris Nowinski vs. the NFL

2010-01-28T19:18:00.022-05:00

The other night I was watching “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” and the topic was the follow up to a story they did in 2007 about concussions in the NFL. The segment was actually called “Head Games,” which I appreciate. Dateline and 48 hours should borrow the pun-y segment title writers from HBO. They’re always naming their segments after Nancy Drew books, like they’re going to trick us into watching news. "The Trouble At Twin Wrecks." "The Mystery At Empire Lake." (I didn’t make those up.) It’s a real life mystery, we get it. (I’m completely full of shit, of course, because Dateline reporter Keith Morrison’s voice is chilling and I dare you to watch 3 minutes of "The Mystery At Empire Lake" and not drop everything you’re doing to find out what happened to Michele Harris. “It’s a little piece of paradise…and perhaps…a particular corner of Hell…” Oh my God, where is she?!!)

That’s not the point, though. The point is that ex-NFL players are having all kinds of dementia and depression from brain damage they sustained while playing football, so Chris Nowinski decided to look into things. He’s a less than likely candidate to head up (yep) this investigation, but if anyone knows about concussions, it’s this guy.
He played football at Harvard (so, in a tweed sport coat) and then decided to ram his head into people (and folding chairs) for a living as WWE pro wrestler. (He thought about getting a regular job after Harvard, but then he remembered that girls who live in trailer parks are super easy.)
After a few years of that, he was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome. He started investigating the link between repeated concussions and serious brain problems, and when Andre Waters killed himself, Chris took his brain to some doctor, who cut it up into slices and poked at with what I think is a martini stirrer.
In a shocking twist that only the most advanced science could have proved, it turns out that banging your head into things as hard as you can for years on end, damages your brain. They also figured out where babies come from, but I wouldn’t be too quick to believe anything until more testing’s been done.

If you want to see if you can make yourself as depressed as a veteran NFL player, watch this:

Casey Anthony is sorry

2010-01-25T23:10:00.006-05:00

You know how Casey Anthony killed her daughter? Well she feels really bad and is ready to plead guilty. Oh, no, not for that. Sorry, that was confusing. She feels really bad for stealing some money from her friend. Because children come and go, but friends and money are forever and nothing can ever bring that $400 back.

"I just want to let everyone know that I'm sorry for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions," Anthony, 23, told the judge, referring to the check fraud. "I wish I would have been a better friend."

She's tricky. "I take full responsibility. For writing a check! HA, you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?" It’s like when your boyfriend says “I love you” and you answer by saying “I love Yoo-hoo.” It sounds the same at first, but it really doesn’t mean the same thing at all.

I think Carrie Prejean already tried this

2010-01-25T21:07:00.008-05:00

When Jon sent me the Facebook profile picture of this unknown young ("young") lady:

followed by the profile picture of her husband:

we basked in the awe of two trashy douchebags finding each other and having such well-matched judgment in Facebook profile pictures. It’s comforting. A lid for every pot. An Ed Hardy trucker hat (trust me, he has one) for every sexy witch costume. What’s less comforting is clicking on Sexy Witch’s profile and seeing the words “mutual friends."

Thanks, Baylor.

A few highlights from the groups that (Enhanced) Sexy Witch and Shirtless Doublefist belong to:

Being Conservative
Sarah Palin
Rush Limbaugh and the EIB Network

Obviously.

Budz

2010-01-25T20:53:00.005-05:00

The good shows never make it. Jason Bateman knows what I'm talkin about.

Love and Logic

2010-01-25T17:25:00.005-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I like to associate myself with talented people in an effort to feel a sense of accomplishment without exerting any effort or having any talent. So in the interest of showing off (and in honor of my dad’s Adam Lambert obsession) here's Paul and his band Love and Logic's acoustic cover of Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me." If you haven't watched it, you're 91,391 people behind. Where the hell have you been all week?

Soulmates

2009-12-16T15:00:00.006-05:00

I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:

r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember

Fluffy? Snowball?

2009-12-14T18:33:00.008-05:00

There’s a show on A&E called “Hoarders” and it’s always pretty shocking, because crazy people are scary, but holy crap, that’s a dead cat.

And there’s another one over there.

I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel.
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom. Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.

Tiger Woods is addicted to whores

2009-12-14T17:00:00.012-05:00

I understand that mental illnesses and disorders are real and that many people are affected by them. I saw A Beautiful Mind. That dude was crazy. Jennifer Connolly couldn’t even leave their baby with him, and he was putting newspaper clippings and string all over the walls and talking to imaginary Ed Harris….It was a mess. That is real. Schizophrenia is real. And it’s FREAKY. Did you see that Oprah with the schizophrenic little girl? Yikes. But now everyone’s hopping on this “addiction” and “disorder” bandwagon that makes it ok to do dumb shit because it’s not your fault. Cue this:

Tiger Woods, Sex Addict?

Is that even a real thing? I guess psychiatrists are saying it’s a real thing, but I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to matter to anyone. I don’t really care if he wants to drag it through every "cocktail waitress" and “paid escort” (careful not to offend the whores by calling them prostitutes) in the country, but it seems unfair to get married and have 2 kids, if that’s your second-most time consuming hobby. And just to give his wife an extra punch in the face, he apparently finds condoms unnecessary while having sex with girls who have sex with lots of guys without condoms for a living. Merry Christmas, I got you AIDS.

I wasn't even wearing my "I heart Al-Qaeda" shirt

2009-11-24T20:41:00.005-05:00

As everyone prepares to travel this week (I’m not, but you probably are), I’d like to offer this newly acquired, yet valuable piece of advice: get yourself a lingerie bag. Or more effectively, just don't pack underwear. You’ll thank me, in the event that the highly trained security officer at Austin Bergstrom International Airport decides that even though he’s rifled through your entire carry-on bag and found nothing of suspicion, he is convinced that he “saw something on the x-ray” when he ran the bag through for the THIRD time, so he empties every single item out of your bag, throwing thongs and bras loosely all over the conveyor belt, in front of 30 annoyed people about to miss their flights, while joking that he’s “never seen so many shoes!” (Two pairs) It’s embarrassing. At least the very observant older gentleman behind me noticed, “you have very nice clothes.” How thoughtful of you to notice, sir.

Drew Stubbs might be in a gang

2009-11-24T20:05:00.003-05:00

I don’t really think of myself as a naïve person, but last night I wore a Cincinnati Reds sweatshirt to the store and apparently had I been in the Bronx or North Philly or somewhere, that’d be enough to get me popped. With a cap. Or something. I didn't know the Reds were the official sponsor of the Bloods, but according to Tony and this guy, I’d better not wear that sweatshirt to my Crips meeting later. I’m kidding, I don’t have a Crips meeting later. They’re on Mondays.

If you read this stupid blog, you probably have figured out that I’m sort of fascinated with gang culture and how it all works, so it’s kind of surprising that I've never seen this, but it's my birthday next week, so someone get it for me.

Hi, I'm a...

2009-11-17T23:16:00.004-05:00

Remember this? Well not anymore, suckers. I did it.

I’m so weak. I tried to be strong, but I’m no match for Justin Long and his persuasive floppy hair. I don’t have it yet, so for 3-7 more business days, I’m still uncool. After that, I’m going to put a lowercase “i” in front of everything and wear cardigans and sneakers to work. Because I’m hip. I’m a Mac. (in 3-7 business days)

*but first I'll look confused like the girl in the picture. I go to the top left to x out of a window?? What's going on?!

I'm nice

2009-11-17T21:48:00.003-05:00

A few of weeks ago, on my way home from work, I saw a woman trip and fall on a curb and spill the contents of her Duane Reade bag all over the median at 15th and Park. I’m kind and caring and generous and selfless, so I walked over and helped her pick up her cotton balls. I realized she was older than I thought she was from far away. 60’s or 70’s, I think. She told me that she had cataracts and can’t see at night, and asked if I’d walk her across the street. After we crossed, I asked where she was going, and if she needed help getting to the subway. She was going to Walgreen’s down the street to fill a prescription and I told her I’d walk her there. She thanked me over and over again, and told me that no one ever stops to help her. She said she falls down a lot, because of the cataracts, and no one ever notices. She mentioned people in the subway running to the catch a train, who knock her down and don’t even bother to turn around to see if she’s alright. When we got to Walgreen’s, she asked for my name and she said, “Melissa, I’m going to pray for you tonight, because you’re a good person. You’ve got something good coming to you and when it happens, you’ll know ‘this is because that old black lady Cassandra prayed for me, because I was the only one who would help her.’” (I know that sounds made up, but as 75 annoying NYU students and 3 homeless guys on the corner of 14th street and 4th avenue are my witness, those were her exact words.)

It’s been a few weeks and I’m still thinking about it. Is it really possible that people would see her fall and then walk right past her, without helping her up? Are people in this city so self-centered that they actually don’t notice someone who needs help walking across the street? And most importantly, what’s the return on this kind of thing, because it’s been 3 weeks and that prayer hasn’t gotten me shit.

Even better

2009-11-17T21:18:00.008-05:00

This is old, because I’m lazy, but here's Carrie Prejean’s “boyfriend” talking about the videos that Carrie made of herself reading the Bible. Oh wait, sorry, masturbating.

Carrie's Boyfriend Talks to TMZ

And this is what she said about the video:

“I was all by myself and I was sending a boyfriend at the time who I loved and cared about a video of me … I was not having sex with anybody and you call it whatever you want. I was a teenager at the time and never did I think it would ever come out. But it was bad judgment and it’s embarrassing and it’s humiliating to be talking about this now on national TV if you can imagine.”

Let's break that down:

Carrie: “a boyfriend at the time who I loved…”

Dude from myspace: “my friend contacted me on myspace and Carrie saw my picture, and phone conversations started back and forth…yeah, I met her one time, and it was for 4 days, I flew out to San Diego and got a hotel.”

Carrie: “I was a teenager at the time”

Dude from myspace: “she sent me numerous tapes, probably 15 or 20 videos that she sent…the videos poured in all the way until she was 21. ….. Yeah, I got a call from Carrie screaming at me, and at that point she said ‘Will you tell them I was 17?’ and they tried numerous times, ‘will you do it?’”

She’s 22 now. I really don’t care what the hell Carrie Prejean does with idiots that she meets on myspace, I just like it when people publicly use the Bible to justify their arguments and then do crap like this.

"That's how I've been raised from my mother when I was a little girl, that I was going to marry a man when I grew up, and it says in the Bible. That's what I believe."

— Carrie Prejean on her beliefs that marriage is only between a man and a woman

"No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian, I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

I don’t read the Bible, because it’s kind of a snoozefest, but I’d be willing to bet there’s something in there that says you’re not supposed to act like a whore. I think it says something about lying, too, but I'm the wrong person to ask. Somebody Google that.

Hilary Duff, huh? Who knew.

2009-11-10T15:48:00.005-05:00

I apparently missed the juiciest Gossip Girl all season last night, but I was busy and I can't just stop my life for college threesomes. I guess I could, but I'm a girl and at the very least, we pretend to be uninterested in that sort of thing. When it involves my beloved little monsters, however, I'm very very interested. Mostly because all season long the CW let the advertisers scare them out of doing anything controversial, and I'm glad to see the writers got their balls back. I know it appears to be inappropriate to have 19-year-olds engaged in threesomes on a show marketed to teenagers, but if you watch the show, you know that it's 100% ridiculous and that's the whole point. If you don't watch the show and happened to catch that one episode, then way to go! Nice timing.

For the record, that last post was a little premature, huh? I was going to write some crap, but then I decided to go here

and do this

instead. I think I made the right choice. Ok, really REALLY, from now on, I'll be here for you. Anything you need, day or night.

AWOL

2009-11-02T18:00:00.002-05:00

A lot of things have happened in the last 2 weeks. A guy duct taped 14 pythons to himself to smuggle them onto a plane, for one. Did anyone see that? He said he just really likes snakes. Also, I saw an old lady fall down and I helped her up and then walked her to Walgreens, so I'm basically in the clear as far as karma goes from here on out. The main thing that’s happened is that I haven’t posted anything. That’s really something not happening more than something happening. Did you think I was dead? Well I’m not. HA!

I’ve been busy, and I’ve been getting a lot of whiney crap about the lack of posts, so I’m sorry. It’s hard for me, too, ok? I’ll be posting on a regular schedule again startiiiiing…now.

GG 10.19.09: "Out you cableknit queen!"

2009-10-21T15:19:00.007-04:00

Gossip Girl: Enough About Eve

Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.

So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)

All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.

AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?

Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.

"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.

PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.

Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.

I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.

"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.

"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”

OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.

This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.

Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.

YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.

Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.

"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.

“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.

Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.

"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.

“OUT you cableknit queen!"

"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.

Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.

Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."

"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.

This is my scene!! I'm right back there.

Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?

HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?

First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.

“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.

Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.

“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.

Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.

And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together

and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.

And I thought so highly of the FOX network...

2009-10-15T18:17:00.009-04:00

I know everyone’s seen this, but I just saw it this morning on the Today Show for the first time because I don’t care about the NFL and I was watching a girly fashion documentary and braiding Lacee's hair while we had a pillow fight and painted eatch other's nails when this aired.

Listen, I wouldn’t normally stick up for Jessica Simpson. Her “singing” is just ridiculous facial expressions and wild gesturing set to really loud whispering and breathy gasps, and she annoys me with her fake Texas accent, but if a major TV network made a cartoon entirely about me being fat and getting dumped, and then aired it during an enormously popular sporting event for the whole nation to collectively laugh at my deepest insecurities, I’d throw myself off a bridge. Actually, I used to be a swimmer, so unless I died on impact, that wouldn’t make much sense. Do you die on impact or do you just drown after you go in? This isn’t about me, maybe Jessica’s not a great swimmer, I don’t know.

The point is that FOX is run by a bunch of idiots who all somehow thought this was a good idea and who all make a lot more money than I do, and I don’t think that’s fair.

Even more alarming than any of that, is that someone was paid money to write this:

"Man, I still can't believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson, even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams!"

"Unlike Tony, at least Jessica comes up big when it counts!"

"Say Tony, is Jessica around? We could use a defensive tackle!"

You FOX guys and your jokes! What’s that, a pie? Are you going to throw that in his…OH MY GOD! He’s got pie all over his face! Let me catch my breath, this comedy is blowing my mind! You flew in from L.A. and your arms are tired? OH, I get it! You flew! Stop it, guys, it’s too much!

Everyone just needs to calm down

2009-10-13T16:40:00.005-04:00

I just saw this on the Post website and started to write about it, but then I saw this on WWTDD and Brendon basically says everything I was going to say, except with stronger language (my mom reads this!) and more references to lesbians.

He wasn't married and he slept with an adult. Not a 21-year-old “adult.” An actual adult. She happened to work for him. He’s also 600 times funnier than Jay Leno. That doesn’t hold much water in this particular argument, but I think it deserves mentioning.

I haven’t written anything about all this nonsense before because I love David Letterman. I always have, and unless he murders my family or brings back trucker hats, I always will. I was brought up in a good home, by good parents who taught me about unconditional love. They also taught me that being funny is far more important than ethics, but I don’t really think that has anything to do with this.

Let's just say that I agree with this laid back commenter:
Do you really care if Letterman did something "bad"? Relax. Move on. Have a Mojito or do what you do to chill.

I don’t like mojitos, but…yeah, man. Chill.

GG 10.12.09: "I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."

2009-10-13T15:16:00.006-04:00

Gossip Girl October 12, 2009: Rufus Getting Married

Ah, couples. Couples doing couple things. Helping your girlfriend put on her necklace, feeding each other (what I thought was a Starbucks muffin, but that is a generic bodega coffee cup, which is BS because a Nate and Bree wouldn’t get coffee at Halal’s)on the street, giddy IMing, and patterned silk pajama making out.

Oh, ew, Serena shouldn’t do that cutesy baby talk voice. “You spoil me.” You were already spoiled. And now you’re spoiling my dinner.

Great Dan face when Vanessa tells him to tell Georgina he’s seeing someone else.

Mouse-face trying to be sweet is reminding me of her character on Privileged and why the daughters on that show were so much better than she was.
“Do you happen to know Swahili for mind your own beeswax?”

“We're southern, so family loyalty's really big down there”
“Like slavery…”

“I know women, and none of us are that nice.”
I know some genuinely nice women. I think. Right? There’s gotta be somebody…

“Running with jeans on? It didn't chafe?”
First of all, as if Dan would have believed that in any pants. When was the last time Rufus worked out? And secondly, the thought of running in jeans is disgusting. There’s a woman at my gym who works out in jeans. With her hair down. Jeans don’t breathe and I know her neck is screaming under that over-dyed frizzy black mop, so she can’t be comfortable. She appears to be nearing 50 and I assume she played bass in some sort of sad all-girl rock band and had many more things pierced before than she does now. There are probably holes everywhere. Actually…maybe Rufus would run in jeans.

Georgina should at least attempt to hide her desperation. She went to Jesus camp, she’d have learned how to fake a pregnancy to trick a guy into staying with her. And she looks terrible in this episode.

Love Is a Battlefield

Of COURSE they've got a floormate who makes “brownies.” Finally a reference to pot. It's NYU.

”I knew I let you two watch Parent Trap too many times.”

YES! Finally, Chuck in something more ridiculous than that pinky ring. Vintage Gossip Girl.

“Why would I tell that future Nascar mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on.”

Jenny and Eric WOULD jump to the conclusion that Vanessa was in love with Dan, AND validate it with its similarity to a Rom-Com. (I’m sorry, I abbreviated in irony and it’s still makes me want to dry heave.)

“They served us wine in Welcome Back Kotter mugs.”
The origin of the welcome back kotter mug!
“I swiped Horshack for you.”
“I'm sure Mayor Bloomberg would be perfectly comfortable toasting us with a Freddie Boom Boom Washington cup. That is so you. Not us.”
OH Lily’s almost outdone her own pretentiousness in this episode. It’s wonderful.

“I’m not in love with you, you moron.”

Aw, he went there and she went to Brooklyn! They love each other. Leap! Blah. I really hate it when people say things like “let’s just leap.” What does that even mean? Let’s get married tomorrow so then we have all these issues to talk about AFTER we’re married? It doesn’t even make sense. And does Lily expect Bloomberg to come to a wedding on a day’s notice? Are they going to send out evites?

“The Whitney's a no, The Harvard Club's a no, and Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.”
I hesitate to admit this, but I once had a dream that I was dating Tom Colicchio (not THAT kind of dream, just that we were dating. I was in his apartment. He had a skateboard and I thought it was weird. He’s not a skateboard kind of guy. He’s too old for that, and frankly, a little too heavy to be doing tricks on a half pipe) and ever since then I’ve been weirdly attracted to him. Have you seen his new Diet Coke ad?

“The only time i want to hear "no" is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.”
“My family's in investment banking, they're all broke.”
“Then you can go.”
Jenny rules with an iron fist.

Hahaha, Serena with a clipboard. She’s very official.

Oh good, they can get married at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. How symbolic.
HA, new mean girls.

“What does it mean when someone used grab your ass and now doesn't?”
He used to grab her ass? Ew. And I wish they’d stop saying they “broke up.” If you hook up with someone for a week, there’s no “breaking up” because in order to “break up” you have to have been together.

Is Scott wearing a denim shirt? Is that a denim shirt? Oh, I think it’s just blue. I wouldn’t put it past him. He is Rufus’s son.

Even dressed-up Dorota and Serena’s amazing boobs don’t make up for Jenny’s Mary Kate Olsen dress. It’s a wedding, not rehab.

Lily Bass let Jenny make her wedding dress? I don’t think so. And Lily wanted to wear magenta? I really don’t think so. And why does she always wear clip on earrings?

I like how he tells Serena he owed "scary people" money. Like he’s talking to a 6-year-old.
I also like how the big deal is not that he was the kind of person that would actually con a poor girl into almost marrying him, it’s that it might mean that he doesn’t care about Serena. “did you make her breakfast, too?” Uh, no, I saved the Toaster Strudel all for you.

Oooh Oooh Love Child, things didn't get any easier.
AND heartbreak hotel?
Enough with the song titles.

Friday Night Lights reference. They’re supposed to be from Texas, we get it. I don't watch that show, but it’s filmed at my high school, so I appreciate the shout-out. Go Panthers.

“After what I did, what am I even supposed to say?”
Lily’s so clueless at parenting, I love it.

“Because I can break your heart, and that's terrifying. And i know that because right now you're breakin mine.”
"you're breakin mine"? Are those old Lincoln Hawk lyrics?

Can we give this kid a haircut if he's going to be a Humphrey?
Lily crying! and...hugging. that was weird.

“Reunited and it feels so good.”
STOP IT.

Oh gaaaaaah Sonic Youth. I hate Sonic Youth.
Juno: “I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked, it's just noise.”
She’s the smart one in that movie, remember.

"I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."

"See I told you, he has my nose."
“Maybe, but those are my eyebrows.”
Leave it to Eric to notice the kid’s brows.

“I'm a Buckley. As much as I like you, that's always gonna come first. It's in my blood. It's Texas.”
It’s kind of entertaining to see what the writers think about Texas. It’s a state, not a cult. I’m from Texas and I’ve only married one of my brothers. So far.

What are the big Buckley boys gonna do, beat him up? Kill him? Kneecaps? No, that’s Jersey.

HA Dorota’s in charge of the get-rid-of-Georgina plot. In a headscarf.

Well, everyone’s still in love except Nate. Even Serena’s coming around to Carter, and once the Buckley boys are done with him, she’ll forget all about that other girl he screwed over. Girls love black eyes and scars. I once dated an ex-hockey player. He wasn’t a master conversationalist, but I saw a picture of him bleeding on the ice from his hockey days, and it made stories about socks tolerable for like 6 weeks.

Kindness is sweeping the city

2009-10-08T14:01:00.004-04:00

I got on the L train the other morning and if you don’t live in New York, or you do and for some annoying reason don’t take the subway (I hate you) then I’ll tell you this first. Subway drivers or conductors or whatever you call them, only make announcements if you’re on an old train that doesn’t have the white lady automated GPS-sounding voice to announce the stops, or there’s a some sort of “service interruption” BS and you have to take 5 trains to get from Union Square to 23rd street. So you can imagine everyone’s surprise Monday morning when we heard:

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad to see everyone looks well-rested and ready for the day…”

Uuuuh, what? In 5 ½ years I’ve never heard a subway driver say anything other than the name of a street or the word “delay.” Everyone went through this series of facial expressions: usual turn-off-my-iPod listening face, to did-he-really-just-say-that confusion face, to (the rarely seen) actually smiling and making eye contact with other subway passengers. Like, “ha, that’s weird, huh!” kind of camaraderie. He just wanted to tell us that the L trains were behind so our train wouldn’t stop until Union Square, but he topped himself and signed off with “please be kind to your fellow passengers and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.” I felt better about the state of the world all the way from Lorimer to 8th Avenue.

I only bring that up because this morning, the sanitation worker—one of the ones that clean the streets, not the ones on the trucks, I don’t know what the title of that job is—who I see almost every day on the block between the subway and my office, was particularly upbeat this morning and exchanged his usual “hello” with “what a beautiful day!” I don’t know if everyone’s on uppers or what the deal is, but I like it. Everyone should just be nice. At least to strangers who haven’t done anything to piss you off yet. Unless they're dressed badly or stink or something, you can't put up with that.

Look how nice these people are to each other. (Thanks, Reg) Maybe kindness is sweeping Dallas, too. It's a nationwide phenomenon. I'm not going to post the video, because...ew.

GG 10.5.09: "Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."

2009-10-06T16:23:00.007-04:00

Gossip Girl 10.5.09: Dan de Fleurette

Well, as I suspected, Tyra’s horrifyingly awful performance almost completely ruined back-to-Constance day for me. I will never understand how she’s the least bit successful at anything other than modeling, or how an entire group of network executives not only makes it through meetings without throwing her off a building, but actually gives her more than one show, but by some act of Satan, she’s all over TV and now she’s invaded my beloved Gossip Girl.
I won’t let her win, though. Lily made her always-pretentious return and brightened my dark, Tyra-infested day.

Dan spends 90% of his time with his girl best friend and his little sister and he's NEVER heard the name of the teen vampire movies? I've never seen a second or read a page of Twilight, but I sure as hell know who Kristin Stewart is. That's her name, right?

At least Hilary Duff gets to play a huge star, in her a small guest starring role that she landed because she’s not busy doing anything else.

Of course Dan "forgot his wallet." Yeah, I've heard that before, Brooklyn.
"That's incredibly nice."
$1.50? Is $1.50 incredibly nice? The other day, my metrocard ran out at the 8th and 15th entrance, where there’s no machine to buy one, and a guy gave me a swipe so that I wouldn’t have to go across the street. It was really nice, but the word “incredible” didn’t come to mind. And that's $2. If it were 1910, $1.50 might be incredibly nice.

"What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?"

"Oh, that's disturbing"
I miss the girls of the steps (even these strangers) and their theme outfits to coordinate with the queen.
“Go wash your eyes.” How can she realize how ridiculous they look, and not know that she looks like she’s been on a 5 day coke binge? And why doesn’t Eric tell her? That’s what gay friends are FOR.

And also, why do some people have to wear uniforms and Jenny gets to dress like 80s Madonna?

Rufus doing Lily impressions is fantastic. His defeated “OH, Serena.” Is spot on.

Why is Lily not immediately shocked that Serena's still at home? Eh, who cares, I’ve missed her and her wonderfully pretentious tone and condescending looks. “Serena, you’ve never worked a day in your life.” Serena, you're an idiot.

Jenny's freedom speech is never going to work.

"Sandals are not shoes."

Tory Burch, Georgina Chapman, and Todd Diciurcio could all win Oscars next to Tyra Banks.

And if she wants a job in fashion so badly, why doesn’t she work for Eleanor Waldorf?

Serena WOULD give Olivia the heads up on the back entrance, only to follow it up with WHY she knows where it is. “They were following me around for a while…” Just in case you didn’t know that I’m important. I’m important.

A socialite going into publicity? Even more realistic than a socialite going into fashion.

Ah, they’re back in Blair-wear. How did she regain control that quickly?

FINALLY, Nate’s coming into his own. That might be the best acting Chace Crawford's ever done.

And I'm relieved that he doesn’t look like he’s going to play canasta with Rose and Dorothy, but his hair still isn’t up to snuff. At least it’ll be winter soon, and he looks good in a ski cap.

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah She's only been on the screen for 15 seconds and I want to gauge my eyes out and shove an ice pick in my ears. Don’t they have a director? Is he too afraid to say anything to her? I would be, she’s huge.

They're best friends now and had a slumber party and now they're gabbing in their p.j.'s?

Chuck and Jenny in cahoots?

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah Good LORD she's so BAD. "Serena can you help me? Serena can you help me with my hair? Serena, please, I need help with my hair.” They do have a director, right? I wonder how bad it was before, that this is what they settled on.
First of all, she'd have hair and makeup. Secondly, is she supposed to be as stupid in this role as she is in real life? She's relying on an 18-year-old she met 24 hours ago for hair tips and emotional support?

I hate to see Blair lower herself to being the pathetic college freshman who comes back to high school to feel superior, but really ends up feeling even worse because it’s so pathetic, but I miss the annual sleepover, too.

This whole scene is pretty great for Lily. At least she’s trying to be a mom. She’s not actually making her go to college, but she is pointing out how stupid she is, and that’s what we all want to do, so thanks, Lil.
"…a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an ivy league education."

What do you mean you've become friends with her? You met her YESTERDAY.

"This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and connections...why else would she hire an 18 year old with no skills and no college degree."
"Maybe because she believes in me."
Ha, teenagers are stupid.

Am I supposed to believe that Dan walked around the city with this girl, with everyone staring and taking pictures, and then runs into her at the movie premiere, and it still takes him a full minute to stutter until he puts it all together?

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Oh my God, this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Ok, she’s gone. For now.

"And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
Ah.

Why is he sitting in the theater alone? And she’s wandering around alone in the empty theater, too? And do we really need to do this? Do we need to hear her say AGAIN that she wants to be normal? WE GET IT.

"Aren't you Blair Waldorf?"
Thank God.

"Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."

AGAIN with the “I just want to be normal.” Try talking about something other than how hard it is to be normal. THAT would be normal.

"Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go ivy and are now find ourselves wasting away in a patchouli-scented purgatory."

"Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that means she’s back again) UGH, she does this “I’m so wise, listen to me” voice when she kicks someone off Top Model. Now she’s giving her motherly advice and telling her to find herself? She was relying on Serena to keep her from jumping off a bridge like 8 hours ago. (for the record, the only reason I ever watched Top Model is because we used to do a pool at work before we all got sick of watching girls who could never be models try to pose in underwater in a gorilla costume, while listening to Tyra talk about herself.)

Aw, Vanessa's so vulnerable. She’s so real.

Dan’s about to endure a lot of disappointment if blond girl in a fedora gets him every time.

Ok, so everyone found themselves except Serena, who was the only one really looking. For now she’s going to stay at Blair’s and hang out with Dorota. Maybe she’ll learn how to say “cleavage” in Polish.

Holy crap, I want to hang out with this dude

2009-09-30T18:27:00.003-04:00

This guy’s a career criminal and I don’t think it’s ok to steal or anything, but the crimes he’s on trial for consist of putting his finger in his pocket and probably saying something like, “stick ‘em up!” so he doesn’t seem that scary.

The Daily News says: The source described Tackman's alleged crimes as "hit-and-run retail robberies" during which he put a finger in his pocket to make it look like he had a gun.

His finger in his pocket. Like a 50’s cops-and-robbers skit. He’s facing a life sentence at Riker’s. (Hey, what happened to that guy who kidnapped and raped a little girl? The first time he did it, or the second time that he did it after he was released from prison for the first time he did it?) Ok, I guess he had some other violations on his record also, but they won’t tell us what they are. Judging from his robberies, maybe he spiked the punch at prom, or tickled his kid sister until she cried.

Anyway, the point is, he escaped Manhattan Supreme Court this morning, which sounds like something that should be relatively difficult to do, but some court officer was no match for his finely tuned skills of wearing clothes and walking.

Tackman, who had been awaiting trial on Rikers Island, was "impeccably dressed" in a jacket and tie when he arrived for a pre-trial hearing on the 13th floor, the source said.
Somehow, Tackman managed to sneak down two flights to a holding area for prisoners awaiting trial - and where a court officer mistook him for a lawyer, according to the source.
"Counselor, what are you doing here?" the officer asked, the source said.
"The officer didn't even challenge him," the second source said. "He just walked out."

This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone, because apparently he’s tried to escape before. And in really fun and exciting ways!

Once, Tackman commandeered a corrections bus and tried to drive to freedom. "The guy is a legend," the source said.
In September 1985, Tackman was described as an "escape artist" by a corrections official after he tried to shoot his way out a prison van using a rubber-band powered zip gun fashioned out of metal tubing and a comb."

A RUBBER-BAND POWERED ZIP GUN FASHIONED OUT OF METAL TUBING AND A COMB. I’m starting to agree with the source. Fasten your seatbelts, he’s just getting warmed up.

In an earlier escape attempt, Tackman briefly took over another prison van by brandishing a "extremely realistic" but bogus gun carved out of soap.
Tackman made the guards stop the van and throw out their guns. Then he forced them to get in the back, where he locked them up with the other prisoners.

HOLY SHIT! This guy seems like he knows what he’s doing, so he could probably shank these cops and be done with it, but he made a f-ing fake soap gun instead. He never uses violence. He’s like Nic Cage’s character in ConAir. Maybe he robbed those stores to feed his family, anyone think of that?

Either way, he's running around the city right now, and don't worry, if I see him, I'll call the cops. Right after I give him a big high five, cause that shit's crazy.

GG 9.28.09: "Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."

2009-09-28T23:49:00.012-04:00

Gossip Girl Season 3: The Lost Boy

Sabotage and evil are back this week, let us rejoice. Also, I've found joy in pausing any scene that Blair is in and reveling in her superb acting skills. Even transition facial expressions are priceless. She's a lunatic and I love her with all my heart.

AAAAh, we all just reacted the exact same way! Even Dan's new 'roid shoulders can't take the sting out of seeing him on top of Georgina. And it's not just because she's a spiteful, vicious little thing who tried to destroy my darling Serena. Michelle Trachtenberg bugs the bejesus out of me.
And by the way, I had to look up how to spell her crazy last name, and one of the movies in post-production on her IMDB list is called A Couple of Dicks. I'm just sayin.

"Feel free to hit the trail all you want." Ew.
"From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall, even for you." Mmmm hmmmm.

Is she talking like they're a couple? She's nuts, but she's still a 19 year old girl. And 19 year old girls are dumb. I wasn't, of course, because I'm far too mature for that sort of behavior, but I know girls who were.

Fantastic Dan delivery #1 of the night when he runs into Serena in the hall.
"Oh, of course."
Subtle, yet brilliant.

They keep putting Rufus and Scott in almost matching shirts. It doesn't make them look alike. Nice try. I see right through you, wardrobe.

Eric and Jenny! And Eric comes back with a vengeance.
"oh wow, 72 Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira."

"I'd just check to make sure there's not an ice pick under the bed." At first I thought she said "make sure there's an ice pick under the bed" like, because she's so cold and icy, he'd have to...nevermind. I think it would have been better, though.

Carter says he wasn't at Brandy Library last month and I believe him. Something's amiss.
"Mistaken identity?"
"Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."

Vanessa's really trying to get to the bottom of this Scott thing. She's so paranoid.
"My last boyfriend told me his dad invented the battery." haaaaaaa, what? Is that impressive? The battery? Lacee and I once told 2 guys at a bar in Austin that she was Harry Winston's granddaughter and that my enormous (and obviously fake) cocktail ring was my graduation gift from the family. Now THAT is impressive. Have I used that story before? I think I have.

Oh, the mail drop. I hate the mail drop. Oh look, she found something that she hadn't seen before.

Are we to believe that an exclusive secret society sent out invitations on that heinous gold rose stationary and didn't so much as hire a calligrapher or have them printed or...have someone write them who isn't 8 years old? Blair's not that stupid, but she is desperate and desperate always wins. I think we all know that from experience. Not me, of course, but other people.

And also, NYU has an exclusive secret society? Do they? NYU's not Yale, but what do I know about secret societies. I do know that if you were a Skull and Bones member, you're not giving away any of their secrets. Trust me. I know someone and he won't tell me a damn thing. He tried to get me to show him the top secret Pi Phi handshake, but I'm not telling if you're not telling. To the grave!

Uuuuuuugh...Golden Girls hair and the bunny. Does she look like a bunny or a mouse? Maybe it's a mouse. She's dating Nick Swisher in real life, which I guess is ok with me. He gets really excited on the field, so I like him, and she's not famous enough to be an asshole yet, so they're probably tolerable.

Scott just told Vanessa that he's her best friend's brother and he's been lying this whole time and THAT'S HER REACTION? "Oh my God." She raised her eyebrows, i guess she's surprised.

"And your parents said that you were dead."
"That was my little brother...why would they do that?"
Why are they both so calm?

"I came to apologize."
"So apologize."
"That was it."

SEE, Dan knows the appropriate level of reaction to things.

"Right...Rufus...yeah, I'll be there." OH Rufus. Your dad. right.

So they typed in "Scott Soccer Lions Boston" and came up with his senior soccer photo? Wow. Maybe they used Bing. Is Bing that good?

WHY is Vanessa not totally skeeved out by this? She's a "filmmaker" from Brooklyn, maybe she's just stoned all the time.

Nate and the...whatever small animal I've decided she most resembles...are really just superfluous.

"My Bottegas...where are they?"

It must be a dress up occasion, Scott put on a striped shirt and Dockers. Fancy.

And the winner for my favorite scene this week: Serena winning the auction. "WHAT?"

Scott's not even going to tell him now? After all that? Well, THIS TIME Rufus matches Dan, so he couldn't find out today anyway, no one would believe it.

Aw, they're sabotaging people as a couple. I think it's cute.
"3 bottles of '95 Dom on his hotel room service bill."
"the warrant...well, he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th precinct tomorrow."
The 24th precinct is on the west side. Chuck knows someone across the park?

"Finally...what happened in Santorini?"

AW, Carter was looking for her dad. I knew I liked him.

What the hell is Bree going to do with this information? I hope she turns out to be bad. If I have to look at her mouse face all season, it'd better be worth it.

OH, Blair believes in Chuck.

Her friend Devon was a member at Dartmouth? Didn't the assistant from earlier say she had an MBA from Tuck? Maybe I'll become a detective.

Cool things off? Take a break? Ah, college. And her wallpaper is the two of them at the rooftop party. So so true.

"BTW, when your lease at the Empire Hotel isn't renewed, thank Bright Eyes here."
Not to get too technical or anything, but I don't think Chuck has that much pull with the board.

Oh GOD, did Vanessa buy that purple and lime plaid shirt for him or has he just been hanging out on the LES too much?
And wow, Vanessa's a pretty good crier. Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker used to try to cry in Sex and the City, but she couldn't work up a single damn tear, so she'd just put her hands over her face and say "boo hoo hoo"? Hey, remember when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy for Sex and the City? GAH

Oh no, Georgina knows about Scott now. We're never going to get rid of him. Maybe he's more believable in Boston.

Miike Snow again? I like that album, too, but spread the love around, CW. Is someone sleeping with one of them?

He looked for her dad, and chased her down on a horse, and he loves her for who she is. It's heartwarming. And look at that smile. The only way I could love Carter Baizen any more right now is if they brought hipster artist douche Aaron Rose back and he strangled him to death with his hipster artist douche scarf.

OH mouse face IS evil (what'd Carter do to the Buckley's?) and Georgina's still REALLY evil. Yay.

Brace yourself, Tyra's on next week. Maybe don't eat until after you watch.

You should probably start freezing eggs

2009-09-22T18:26:00.008-04:00

Today is Anna's 30th birthday. I don't know what that might feel like, because I still have my youth, but she's handling it well.

We met at a frat party when we were 18. It went like this:

Hi.
Hi.
Aren't you on my hall?
Yeah, I think so, I'm Melissa.
Hi, I'm Anna.
Hi...
So...
Yeah...
Let's dance.

We do a pretty fantastic nervous-freshman reenactment of that. One day we'll make it into a short film, but use your imagination for now. There's lots of awkward gesturing and my hair's blond.

A girl named Molly invited me to that party. She turned out to be really crazy and kind of trashy, but that night she served her purpose as far as I'm concerned. (I'm probably not the only one at that party whose purpose she served.)

Anna, happy 30th. I love you. Because you're a good person.

Mnw: oh nooooooooooo
adu-------: what??
Mnw123: Liz is moving here
Mnw123: and just emailed me
Mnw123: to help her
adu-------: smith!!?!?
Mnw123: yes
adu-------: ignore
Mnw123: dude...really?
Mnw123: can i just ignore it??
adu-------: you live in a huge city...you will never see her

***Names have been changed to protect the...ok, "innocent."

Sorry...and WOW

2009-09-22T17:56:00.005-04:00

I apologize for last night's GG post being a little...boring. I'll say it, it was boring. I was tired and my beloved little monsters suffered for it, because I couldn't do them recap justice.

Anyway, holy shit. THIS

was in this lady's neck.

and here she is.

She's alive, is my point. Really puts a boring Gossip Girl post into perspective, huh?

GG 9.21.09: For people like us, a college degree is just an accessory...like a Malawi baby or a poodle

2009-09-22T01:49:00.011-04:00

People always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now I know what I had. I had Eric and Jenny. And belts. And big fancy breakfasts.
Apparently Eggo's got some money to spare these days, and somehow the Humphreys don't, because all there is to eat in that loft are waffles. It's like when JJ and I were in college and the only thing our entire apartment were turkey dogs and Stove Top. I don't know if they're trying to make a point or if they forgot that they're billionaires now, but Dan ate a dry one on the run to NYU, then made Serena a stack the next day, and Rufus forced them on Chuck a day later. Someone go to the store, those carbs are killer.
That said, a few great lines, Dan's always fantastic delivery and Blair's superb facial expressions almost made up for the snoozefest that is Nate and Bree's forbidden and totally passionless day in bed. Hey, writers, remember when things were "mind-blowingly inappropriate"? We liked it that way.

Dorota's back just in time to give Blair her back to school headband! Thank God.

"Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public school girls...there's a place for that and that's in the back of a video store."
I lived in the dorm freshman year, and trust me, there's nothing "back of the video store" about a communal dorm shower.

"The only queens at NYU are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall."
Hey now, that is such a stereotype. I had friends who went to see Liza and they're...ok, they're gay.

"I trust that you know what you're talking about when you say to never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin."
I saw Daniel Baldwin on a plane once. He wasn't even sitting in first class and he looked like shit. Maybe that was Stephen, now that I think about it. Which one gained 50 pounds and stopped showering?

Dan's got fans at NYU already? And she's got a writing group that Dan can join?! Well hoooow convenient.

Hahaha, did Dan just almost spit his coffee out at the sight of Vanessa and Scott making out, or was Scott trying to convincingly read a line?

Oh, Serena's not going to Brown and she's going to stay with chuck? He's a considerate boyfriend AND a reliable step brother now?
"I assume you need a few ounces of study aid for Brown." At least his drug habit's intact. And is that a pinky ring? I don't think so, wardrobe.

"It's obvious none of you are from New York...Riverdale doesn't count."

HA, awww. "I read Marquee!" Aww.

Headbands are in the gift bags.

"Look, sis, for people like us, a college degree is just an accessory. like a Malawi baby or a poodle."

His dealer's in St. Bart's this week? Do drug dealers vacation in St. Bart's?

HA, Georgina's got her meds straightened out. It does make a difference.

Gaaaaah, can we lose his Nate/Bree thing already? His family doesn't like her family! And vice versa! Groundbreaking. Never been done.

OH no, S, SHUT UUu--she ruined it. Now she's bitchy AND stupid? Ok, she's always been kind of stupid.
Chuck saying "trainwreck" under his breath really does hurt.

Blair's facial expressions this week are unmatchable. UNMATCHABLE.

Vanessa WOULD make a documentary about a community garden. "When that gang member picked up his first carrot..."

VIP to VD? WHAT?

"Thank you for the waffles." See? I'd say they're using Eric's waffle iron, but they're clearly Eggos and Dan pulled the first one out of the toaster, so they're not even pretending they're not.

Ah, Carter's beltless tab front pants make me want a mint julep.

"I learned everything i know about women from Judy Bloom's Forever." Aaaahahaha. I'm not laughing, I was making fun of the dork literary club having a bonding moment over Judy Bloom and Dan's new shoulders.

Awwwwwww. She's motivated by evil and I still want to hug her when she has to ask Dan to take her to the party. I'm such a good person. So is Dan.
(But if he touches another headband, I might cry.)

"With your mother's LL Bean catalog?" Ew. You can't make this storyline entertaining. Nice try. And Nate saved his boarding pass? Because he wanted to remember the first time they met? First of all, gross. And guys don't do that.

Why do Carter and Chuck always use each other's full names? Carter...OH Baizen, Carter BAIZEN. Ok.

WHOA Scott. Don't question his professor recommendations! If you do it one more time, Katie, he might lock you in a room and force you to listen to him practice monologues.

hahahaha...the Jesus camp kids came to the city with zero notice to convert NYU students with tambourines? of course they did, what else are they doing on a Saturday night?

Did Rufus just say "safe place" like a therapist?

"The minute you cross 14th street, people forget there's a class system."
It's true, I used to live downtown and no one ever listened to me.

Tender in-bed Chuck and Blair moment? This isn't going to be popular, but I kind of appreciate their vulnerable sides. I know, I know.

OH NOOOOOOOOO!!! A few months ago, Anna IMed me and told me that a girl in her office used the word "download" to mean "inform" or something and I really hoped wasn't a new slang term and DAMMIT.
Vanessa, so you can do WHAT? "Download about the epicness of last night." Download? I hate kids.

Good, Serena and Carter. I know this will go sour next week, but I love love.

Oh, and Dan and Georgina kissed. Ooooooooooh.

I look better in blue

2009-09-16T17:09:00.006-04:00

I’ve wondered this for a while and so has Tony apparently, and also, Hannibal Buress made a joke about gangs in his set last night, so now I’m opening the discussion because that makes it topical and relevant and I’m honestly curious. I’m also curious about run-on sentences and how often I write them. Anyway, Bloods and Crips. The two biggest, most well-known gangs. I know they both started in L.A., but they’re all over the country, in lots of big cities. They have “sets” all over the place. (It seems like I shouldn’t know anything about gangs, but I watch movies and I just learned how to use the word “set” in that context on Wikipedia, so…hold on, that’s my phone…Spike? Sure, I can help with the new screenplay. Totally, you got it, buddy.)
But here’s the question: how do sets get started? Is it like, an organized process? Do you have to get the ok from head Crips or Bloods in L.A. before you just start wearing a red bandana and throwing signs? There’s got to be some sort of a screening process or something.
For example, say a Blood from L.A. goes to Atlanta to visit his uncle, and he runs into some Atlanta Bloods at the corner store or somewhere. Are they friends? How does he know they’re not a bunch of idiots who are disgracing the respectable Bloods name all over Georgia? My point is, what keeps anyone in any city from just deciding that blue brings out their eyes and starting a Crips “set” willy nilly?

I really do want to know. Does anyone know? I’m not friends with any gang members anymore. We just lost touch, people get busy.

Julia Roberts would never let this happen

2009-09-16T12:49:00.011-04:00

The NY Times are a bunch of snobs who won’t let anyone embed their video content, so you’re going to have to actually click on this to watch the video. I know, I’m sorry.

I didn’t know about this until Jeremy brought it to my attention, because I was too busy watching videos on CollegeHumor or something equally as intellectual, and HOLY SHIT, this is a damn real life Erin Brockovich. Wait, that story was real life, too. Well, whatever…Erin Brockovich…in a different state, with different chemicals or something, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. The point is, there are coal mines in Prenter, West Virginia that are dumping all kinds of crap into the water and now 6 people in 10 houses near the mines were diagnosed with brain tumors and you can’t bathe in it without getting rashes and burns. SIX people in ONE neighborhood with BRAIN TUMORS.
I already said I’m not a scientist (I should maybe think about it, though, I think I could pull off nerdy glasses and a lab coat) so don’t take my word for it, but that seems suspicious. Water that gives people chemical burns seems iffy, too, but what do I know, maybe they’re just being babies. “Water shouldn’t be toxic and give you cancer...wah wah wah.” Picky picky.

The article is here. I don’t know how this stuff actually happens, because we live in America in 2009 and water shouldn’t kill you, but the secret’s out, so somebody fix it already. You don’t just watch someone get eaten by a lion and do nothing to stop it, do you? Well, it’s a lion, I don’t know, that’s really scary. Anyway, you get my point.

GG 9.14.09: At least Tyra wasn't in it

2009-09-15T04:06:00.016-04:00

Summer's over for the little monsters. And it's over for us, too! It's so real. The Humphrey clan and Eric hung poolside in the Hamptons all summer and somehow managed to not get the slightest bit of a tan, and Dan apparently spent every day in the gym instead of getting a haircut.
Serena looked for her dad and Tara Reid-ed around the world (AH, ew, i just involuntarily cringed when I typed her name) and Nate ditched his Zac Efron hair, which was clearly the wrong decision. He looks like a 70 year old woman who uses a shower cap to cover her hair in rain. If you wrap it in a hand towel to sleep, you only have to go to the beauty shop once a week! Just use a pick to fluff it up. Oh, and Chuck and Blair role played their way into not breaking up yet.

"No more beaches, and no more bonfires, and no more stalking the Barefoot Contessa through 1770 house"
That sounds boring, but I love her. She's so wonderfully pretentious and she's always making cocktails and arranging hydrangeas.

Why is Dan trying to make Rufus feel guilty? Everyone loves money, Dan, get off his back.
"Will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back, Kotter mug?"
And he would have a Welcome Back, Kotter mug. It sounds like something Urban Outfitters would sell. How kitschy.

"Isn't she taking a vow of silence for a month at the ashram?"
Uh, WHAT? That's Serena's alibi? Convincing.

"That Eat, Pray, Love thing of hers is great and all, i just highly doubt she can keep her mouth shut for a whole month"
First of all, can everyone cut it out with Eat, Pray, Love already? Can anyone go on vacation without referencing that book anymore? And is that supposed to be an insult? Who the hell can not talk for a month? Yeah, Dan, you're really the strong silent type.

Usually Blair wins for facial expressions, but Nate's fantastically satirical golden boy smile when the helicopter door opens FTW!
If they were going to give someone from Privileged a job when they cancelled it, it should have been one of the daughters. Joanna Garcia looks like a bunny. It sounds like it would be a good thing, because bunnies are cute, but that's not how I meant it.

There was a lot of information in this little argument.
"That right wing nut job called William Vanderbilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA." (Nice gay rights plug, writers)
"Maybe that's because William Vanderbilt called Jed Buckley a coke head and a cheater."
"What are you saying it isn't cheating if you get your Congressional aide pregnant?"

Sounds about right.

"You pulled my hair during Clinton's inaugural ball."
"Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn."
HAA, the writers are really going for it.

Ooh, their families are political enemies. It's just like Romeo and Juliet. I'm already bored.

Am I supposed to know who this girl who's hitting on Chuck is? Because I don't.
"Shame on your Ashley Henshaw, you may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney's castle in Lake Como..." Is this real, is she a real person?
"Take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!"
Abercrombie model? Do kids still wear Abercrombie? Did I just age myself out of being allowed to watch this show?

WOW, Dan found out she was lying and he's not freaking out at all? Did Rufus get him stoned on the way back to the city?

Ah, there she is. My life has meaning again.

OH here we go with this half brother nonsense. If I have to be subjected to this, could they have cast someone who can speak convincingly? I could play Scott better than this kid. Is he someone's nephew or something?

Lily ordered breakfast for them from out of town? How thoughtful and selfless. Sounds just like her.
"Glad i have the number for City Harvest." That reminds me to sign up to volunteer. That'll never happen, but I like to pretend like it might.
"A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like...one...season."
I missed you, Dan.

"The benefits of Bikram? 10 easy steps to colon cleanse?"
"Turns out Goop is good for something"
Oh nooooooooo, plug for Goop? Was that a plug or a slam?

"Sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think i had the whole Ivanka thing?"

"I know what you did this summer. And who. Cristiano Ronaldo. I hope you got your shots before you traveled."
Cristiano Ronaldo? That's who she's coyly smiling about? Gross. He wears more jewelry than I do, and his facial expressions look like he's posing for the cover of a porn DVD.

Oh, Vanessa, quit whining about Dan having money. (I would do the same thing, but I'm petty and jealous and she should be above that.) He's got like 15 hundreds in his new wallet, just stop crying and see if he wants to go shopping.

"Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don't even know why they make them."
They also make $1,000 bills. A $1,000 bill used to be worth $2,000. I only remember that because my friend's dad once told me that and we made jokes about paying for your $1,000 bill with your 2 other $1,000 bills. It was funny at the time.

"We can do Brooklyn things, like go to the dumpling truck and play signed or unsigned in the promenade."
I haven't been to the promenade all summer. Dan and I have so much in common.

OH, he's taking the limo. The horror.

Blair being needy and desperate and Chuck being sweet, is all really beginning to freak me out.

OMG, this guy is TERRIBLE. I can't take this, I'm going to have to turn the closed caption on whenever he's in a scene from now on.

"Needs a sandwich.
Adam's apple!
Catalog!
None of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them."

"It looks...smaller" The spacious million dollar loft looks so much smaller. Heartbreaking.

"I'd really like to not use my imagination when it comes to these pictures"
"You don't have to look close enough."
Don't say that to your dad about your ex-girlfriend.

Serena's worried what Carter might do? Really?

I didn't know what they were going to do with the second line of the song with the Miike Snow Plastic Jungle intro to the polo match, but they changed it. You can't say the F word on the CW.

Aw, Jenny's so excited about having her very own name card.

Alexandra Richards? I guess Theodora was busy.

How COULD he tell it was Dan? It's his back. And I know Vanessa is supposed to be dirty Brooklyn and everything, but did they have to give her dreads? At the polo match?

Oh look they put them in the same shirt, so we'd know they're supposed to look alike. We get it, Wardrobe, they're related.

AHhahahaha, she's taking off on one of the horses? She can't be tamed.

This Buckley storyline is boring me already. Her family's not talking to her because she went to Europe and missed a wedding? I missed my cousins wedding a few years ago and everyone still talks to me.

Ok, so her dad blew her off. I'm bored with that, too. And Carter's a good guy now? I kind of believe him. I'm so naive.

"I don't care if you're rich, which you aren't, by the way."

Oh gross, she kissed him. At least it stops him from trying to read his lines.

Oh, she WANTS to be in the tabloids. Oh, the twist. No one saw that coming.

Of course

2009-09-14T16:12:00.001-04:00

I know everyone’s already talked about this and I’m embarrassingly late, but honestly, is Kanye West mentally ill? I’m totally serious. Is he? Even TANKED, no one could think this was an ok thing to do. Who is malicious enough to do something like this? Charles Manson? Hitler? So, mentally ill people. And of all people to mess with, holy crap. People who are as sweet as Taylor Swift usually annoy me, because it’s almost always fake, but she’s the most adorable and loveable thing since that sneezing baby panda, and she’s totally sincere. Someone should dress him up as a girl and make him talk shit to Chris Brown. And take your sunglasses off, asshole, you’re inside.

Another guest room bites the dust

2009-09-14T13:00:00.002-04:00

The last time this happened I was a little overwhelmed, but I think my brain is starting to get the hang of this now. Yesterday, no person. Today, whole new person. Just out of thin air. It’s like magic. No bunny. Bunny. Karee had her baby this morning, is what I’m getting at. When she sent the first sonogram picture, my response was “There’s a child in your stomach.” A CHILD in your STOMACH. Or, not your actual stomach, but you get my point. If you really think about it, that’s wild. Anyway, today he came out and I’m pretty excited about it.

Riggs, I’ll see you in a couple of months and I can’t wait. You’ll love New York, it doesn’t sleep either.

It was just a matter of time

2009-09-11T17:06:00.004-04:00

I’m living the Mac commercial today, and it makes me feel like a pop culture failure and a traitor to my generation. I’m a middle-aged, overweight, balding, suit-wearing PC. Cool kids, I’m sorry. It’s not because I don’t want a Mac. I’m not like, a loyal PC-user or something. I don’t even hate Justin Long as much as most people do. I’m just cheap. My bank account would argue that fact, but it feels wasteful to spend 2 or 3 times more for something than necessary. Until today. “I just want something without a million viruses and a ton of headaches.” It’s like they’re inside my mind.

I don’t like to do stuff that might be difficult or irritating, so last night when it started hemorrhaging pop-up windows that said I had a virus, I just turned it off and ate a brownie, but thanks to the talented and handsome IT guys at my office, I can put off personal technological advancement for as long as I want. Which is until Paul gets someone to give me a discount on a new Mac. Paul?

Publicly guilting people into doing me favors is the #1 reason I write this thing. Paul??

2009-09-11T15:41:00.001-04:00

It’s September 11th and I guess I could not say anything about it, but I’m in New York and the anniversary is pretty apparent here, so it’s impossible to overlook. I don’t know anything about anything, as I’m sure you’ve come to realize, and I’m not going to write about that day. I wasn’t here then, and I can’t begin to understand what it was like. I’m not going to do some sort of “We Will Remember” kind of thing, because no one says that in real life and I wish people would just cut it out with the BS clichés. All I’ll say is that for the people that were here and lost friends and family, today must horribly painful and I’m truly so sorry. And…………We will remember. DAMMIT.

As if this could get creepier

2009-09-09T19:38:00.002-04:00

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The first part of this video is even creepier than the creepy thing it advertises to be about in the first place. The sicko nutjob who kidnapped that girl and held her captive in tents in his backyard for 19 years, tried to be a musician a million years ago and…uuuuh…Did he just say they found human bones in his backyard? But they don’t know if it’s another victim because there are Native American burial grounds in the area? WHAT? Wait, is this the Poltergeist plot?

Man, what a great movie. When I was little I’d sit on the kitchen floor and hope I’d scoot across the room. It never worked. If we had Indian ghosts, they weren’t mad enough to haunt me. I should have made that offensive cartoon Indian sound with my hand over my mouth. Or poured a bottle of whiskey down the drain. That’d probably do it.
“You only moved the headstones!” That Steven Spielberg knows what he’s doing. One day he’ll be huge.

Anyway, first off, this guy was already convicted of kidnap and rape in 1976. The kidnap-and-rape combo seems like it’d carry a mandatory life sentence, because those psychopaths don’t stop being psychopaths, but for some horrifying reason, it doesn’t. So if you get caught kidnapping and raping someone, just be patient, you’ll be back at it in no time. Play a game of Monopoly with that guy who stole a car, you’ll be out before he will.

How this maniac’s parole officers missed the tent city in his backyard and the 3 people living in it, I can’t pretend to understand, but it all worked out because 19 years later he ran into someone competent and was caught. Again.

He’s all crazy religious and his neighbors call him “Creepy Phil” (I think one of them must have taken a creative writing class or two) and now, to top it all off, he was also a bad amateur musician in the 70s! AAAH! Oh, the lyrics are about little girls, that's the scary part.

The kids are ok!

2009-09-08T15:44:00.011-04:00

The big scary socialist-agenda-pushing speech is finally over. OH the controversy! School districts that banned it and parents who kept their kids home from school can all rest easy now. Your kids narrowly missed hearing a speech about working hard to live up to their potential. PHEW, that was close!

It’s pretty terrifying that anyone listens to nut jobs like Jim Greer, but I can’t talk about it or steam will come out of my ears and my eyeballs will do summersaults in their sockets, like a wacky cartoon character who was just hit over the head with a mallet.

You'd think motivating the little rug rats to want to do well in school would get the ok from teachers, of all people, but you'd be wrong. My sister teaches 5th grade in Texas, and some of her fellow teachers were none too pleased that the President wanted to talk to their kids about (GASP) taking education seriously. They “questioned his motives.”

That's rational.

I'm not sure what evil motives they assume are behind him asking 3rd graders to do their homework, but just don't look at the swinging pocket watch in his right hand and you'll be fine. You're getting sleeeeepy...veeeryyyy sleeeeepy...

Here's the speech, in case you want to find the socialist brainwashing part. Keep looking!

FTW

2009-09-03T16:44:00.002-04:00

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Some idiot girl in Pickens, Mississippi pulled out a gun on a school bus and first of all, how in the hell does a middle school kid get a gun? I know it seems to happen all the time, but this girl is 14. I doubt she’s selling meth in the lunch room, so I’ll assume she took it from home, which is pretty infuriating. Listen, maybe her parents are 100% responsible and conscientious. Maybe they’ve always talked to her about gun safety and maybe they keep it locked up securely, but she outwitted them and had been secretly studying the art of lock-picking from a young age and then, years later devised a plan to get them out of the house so she could pick the lock and take the gun, replacing it with an exact replica, and get it onto the bus, without anyone being the wiser. Or maybe they had “a cheap, chrome-plated .38 automatic” conveniently located right next to the loaded magazine (that’s the first time I’ve ever said the word “magazine” and not meant Vogue) well within reach of their middle school daughter. Probably in the drawer with the candy. I can’t imagine which scenario is more likely. Either way, she got it out of the house (presumably) and onto the bus undetected, and then loaded it and pointed it at 5 year olds.
Luckily, Kaleb Eulls is less afraid of little girls and guns than I am and took her down before she killed everyone. I know it seems like no big deal because she’s a tiny little girl and he’s 6’4” 255-pound guy, but I don’t care who it is, someone pointing a goddamned .38 semi-automatic at you if freaking scary. And jumping on it, is scarier. To top it off, he’s got a 3.5 GPA and is one of the 12 best football players in the state. I think I saw this story in a Disney movie once. Someone send that kid a fruit basket.

Congratulations, Jonathan

2009-08-31T15:26:00.004-04:00

I like to live through the achievements of others. It makes me feel accomplished to be in the presence of success, without all the effort and talent. So, here’s to me! Because Jonathan WON A FREAKING EMMY.

I won $2 on a scratch off lottery ticket once. Hey, that’s two more tickets!

OUTSTANDING GAME/AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SHOW
CASH CAB
DISCOVERY CHANNEL
ALLISON CORN, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
TOM COHEN, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
ANTONY TACKABERRY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
MARY DONAHUE, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
STAN HSUE, SUPERVISING PRODUCER
NICK O'GORMAN, SUPERVISING PRODUCER
JESSE GREEN, PRODUCER
RUTH JOHNSTON, LINE PRODUCER
REBECCA BREGMAN, LINE PRODUCER
SARAH KANTER, PRODUCER
ANDREW MCINTYRE, PRODUCER
JONATHAN GROCE, PRODUCER
TALIA PARKINSON, PRODUCER
BRIAN DEAN, PRODUCER
ADAM MARKOWITZ, PRODUCER
CHRIS SGUEGLIA, DIRECTOR
ANDREW TAVANI, WRITER
MICHAEL WELT, WRITER
GREG VOLK, WRITER
BRIAN GREENE, WRITER
BRENDA SCHAIT, WRITER
JOSIAH MADIGAN, WRITER

I know it seems like there’s no way that anyone who could win an Emmy would ever hang out with me, but I can be very charming when I want to be, so shut up.

Congratulations, Jonathan. This is pretty damn exciting. Now when you practice your Emmy speech in the mirror, you can use AN EMMY instead of a shampoo bottle. Not many people can say that. I use my body wash bottle, because it’s sort of gold-colored and then it’s more realistic. The shampoo I use comes in a purple bottle. It wouldn’t make any sense. “This is so unexpected, I don’t even have a speech prepared!” (which will obviously not be true, so if you’d like to be in my acceptance speech, I’d start sending gifts now.)

WTF (not watch this fall)

2009-08-27T15:45:00.005-04:00

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Here's the gist, if you don't want to listen to Ann talk to this girl like she's 8 years old: a "serial robber" came into an office in midtown and stole a purse, but left his DNA on a cup of water. They caught him, because this girl saved the cup. Good for her, but that's not the point. They can track this guy down with DNA for stealing a damn iPod, and they can't find the piece of shit who attacked me last year in the system anywhere? B.S. It's been over a year, is it officially a cold case now? Maybe that blond girl can find him. Look how determined and serious she is, looking at that evidence in the dark. I'm calling her. Do you hear me, NYPD? I'm calling that blond girl.

Serena, Nate, and an annoying PA who told me to turn off my flash

2009-08-27T12:20:00.008-04:00

I left work last night around 8 and as I stepped out onto 9th Avenue, my life took a precious and unforgettable turn that no one could have predicted. Ok, Arturo had just come over to my desk to tell me about it, but whatever. There on 9th and 15th, in what used to be Chelsea Flowers in my building, was my beloved Gossip Girl, cast and crew. This picture (of Blake Lively--just trust me on this one) blows, I know, you don't have to tell me, but they yell at you if you use a flash, and I wasn’t going to stand around for a half hour trying to get a good shot, because I’m not 16 and that’s embarrassing and I have better things to do with my time than watch some TV show about teenagers shoot a scene. Yeah, right--I had to leave to go to a birthday party, or I would have stood there all night. I don’t care.

Here’s what I found out: in some episode this season, Serena and Nate will walk down 9th Avenue. You heard it here first. Oh, and Nate’s long lost cousin, Tripp Vanderbilt is apparently running for Congress. I used my critical thinking skills to figure that out, based on the signs in the door that read, “VAN DER BILT FOR CONGRESS Campaign.” I know, my mind is my weapon. I was going to go to MIT, but then I was like, "Boston accents are kind of annoying."

What Eric and Jonathan have been dreaming of (other than waffle irons)

2009-08-26T18:24:00.010-04:00

I think I’ve made my feelings about Perez Hilton pretty clear, so it goes without saying that I don’t read his depressingly unfunny and horribly written site, but dammit, he’s got Gossip Girl news and I love those little monsters enough to subject my brain to his 10,000 exclamation marks and the words “perezcious” and “seksi.” Looking back, it might not have been worth it.

I don’t know anything about anything, but people have been saying that Chuck’s going to kiss a guy. Or a guy’s going to kiss Chuck. Or something. Anyway, according to the Queen of all People-I’d-like-to-see-eaten-by-a-bear, this confirms it once and for all.

EXCLUSIVE: Gossip Girl Gay Kissed Confirmed!!!
Thanks to one excellent Perezcious reader, we now have solid confirmation that Ed Westwick's character, Chuck Bass, will most definitely have a gay kiss this season!!!
And it's being filmed as we type!
Our wonderful informant happened upon the Gossip Girl set on Wednesday, where some careless fool left a call sheet out for everyone to see…and our reader to take a picture of!
As you can clearly see, on the second line of the call sheet, it reads:
INT. BAR- MAIN ROOM (scripted Back Room)
Blair bursts in just as Ellis kisses Chuck
Hell yes!
Mark your calenders for episode six of this season. Things are getting super seksi on the Upper West Side!

And if you clicked on that link, check out comment #10 and give a special thanks to commenter LaurenGuy101, who I'd like to hug:

LaurenGuy101 says
it's East Side you douche and you spelt calendars wrong

The internet is amazing

2009-08-25T11:20:00.003-04:00

I don’t Twitter. I do have a Twitter account (my mom has a Facebook page, I have to do something to stay at least one step ahead of the tech savvy AARP) but I don’t get Twitter updates to my phone, and I don’t think I’ve ever tweeted. I’m not talking shit about Twitter or anything, I have a blog for God’s sake, I just don’t do it. Maybe I don’t get it. Anyway, people sent this to me yesterday, which is the only way I know about it. This guy has 18 tweets (I’m wishing someone at Twitter had come up with a different word for posting than “tweet”) and when I went to his page 10 minutes ago, he had 58,117 followers. Now 58,287…refresh…58,317…refresh…58,370…refresh…58,393. I’m not making this up.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

The one thing he missed

2009-08-24T17:14:00.005-04:00

The guy who killed that “model" the other day has killed himself in…oh the irony…a town called Hope in British Columbia. This is really sad and pretty gross (he chopped off her fingers and pulled her teeth so they couldn’t identify her. I wonder if he used the floss tied to the doorknob trick), and I’m not in the business of making fun of dead people, but…

She was eventually identified by the serial numbers on her breast implants, cops said.

Those two could not have been trashier, but I don’t care who you are, that’s not what you want the last thing written about you to be. That or, “she was on her way to a Dane Cook show...”

I think I want a bagel

2009-08-24T11:54:00.005-04:00

I eat yogurt every morning. It's healthy or whatever, and I like it, so I'm not going to stop, but do they have to insist on putting “with live and active cultures” on the label? Is that supposed to be a good thing? I think it’s supposed to be a good thing. Well you know what? It sounds gross.

The words "live and active cultures" refer to the living organisms, Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus, which convert pasteurized milk to yogurt during fermentation.

Ew.

Important yogurt UPDATE, courtesy of KD:

Less boring ways to die

2009-08-19T12:52:00.007-04:00

There’s a headline on the Today show website right now that seems sensationalized, but maybe they know something I don't:

Can your flip-flops kill you?

Uhhh...no? Flip flops? No, right?
Like, set-off-a-chain-of-events-Final-Destination-style kill you?
Oh, germs? Shut up.

On a related note: THE Final Destination comes out IN 3D on some Friday in the relatively near future (I don’t have the time to look things up, I’m way too busy spending time writing about how I don’t have the time to look things up) and holy crap, it promises to be just as ridiculous as we all hope it to be. I had forgotten all about the Final Destination movies until a few months ago when Tony ordered the second one on Netflix and we all watched it right before we went to the carnival in Brooklyn, which could be the most horrifying thing to do after watching Final Destination 2. Obviously, Skinner and I almost died on the twirly ferris wheel.

I’m not kidding, that thing was terrifying. The cars flipped over upside-down and something on our car was held on with a zip tie. Had this scene taken place in that movie, my huge scarf dangerously dangling outside the car waiting to get tangled on the rusty 30-year-old screws that held that death trap together, would have definitely been my cause of death.

There are a lot of ways to die, and let me tell you, if you’ve ever cheated Death, you might not want to go tanning or make spaghetti.

They're everywhere

2009-08-17T19:17:00.011-04:00

I think this is the exact Affliction shirt that the guy was wearing who hit on us on Saturday night in downtown Orlando. Try and guess if we were interested.

He also ate the leftover fries off Chelsea’s plate, asked 11 times if we were going to some place called The Dragon Room, and talked a lot about carbs. And that t-shirt was still the most nauseatingly repulsive thing about him.

I don't read Maxim (obviously) but I don't want to try to explain this BS (not that anyone needs it explained, but I once had someone ask me "what is this American Apparel?" so you can never be too sure) and they already did it:

Affliction, the mook fashion behemoth that sponsors top MMA fighters, has lived up to its name by spreading the disease of what can only be described as "monster t-shirts." If you don't own a tee like this, you've undoubtedly seen an ass-clown wearing one: emblazoned with a huge dragon, eagle, serpent, or other mythical beast, it's the douchebag shirt du jour, inspired by tattoo-art gear Von Dutch popularized a few years ago. The truth is, the only things these shirts scare away are girls who might actually have sex with you.

I can’t pretend to understand anyone who wears Ed Hardy or Affliction and wants to look like this on purpose

But if something is too douchey for the the douchebags at Maxim, you should change clothes. And please don’t talk to me, I don’t even like Red Bull.

Did he say no headbands?

2009-08-13T12:19:00.004-04:00

I usually hate teenagers because they're loud and obnoxious and annoy me in movie theaters, but TV is magic and makes them loveable by making them absurdly more dramatic and prettier. The kids (and the commentary) won't be back until September 14th, but here are the season 3 teasers. Try not to think about Tyra Banks.

WTF is not WTF, it’s “Watch This Fall.” Obvi. (I can't even say it jokingly without wanting to stab myself.)

Blair’s facial expression at the end of that reminds me how much I miss her.

DAN

SERENA

BLAIR

NATE

The girl from Privileged? Did that show get cancelled? Do I watch too much CW?

NO HEADBANDS

Phase One

2009-08-13T11:19:00.005-04:00

Thanks to Dan’s generosity and awesome housewarming gift-giving spirit (fueled by his desire to grill meat outside because deep down he knew I’d never buy one myself), we have a grill. And thanks to a very nice girl on Craig’s List (and me looking like an idiot trying to find a cab while carrying an enormous table on the corner of Essex and Canal), the back “yard” also now has a table that I’m almost positive is not supposed to go outside. It’s just some crap Ikea table top that’s wood covered with that plastic stuff. Whatever, I’m not a carpenter, what do I know? Trees are wood, they’re outside all the time. Anyway, burgers!

Sad just got sadder

2009-08-07T17:29:00.011-04:00

It was already pretty sad that John Hughes died, what with all the talent and everything, but the sad level’s about to go to eleven, because turns out, he was also like the nicest guy on the planet. I don’t know who this girl is, but she has 1218 comments on her blog post. I think the most I've ever had is like 19. Thanks for nothin, guys.

Sincerely, John Hughes

I'm not gonna sap this up with all this "generation defining" talk, but the dude could make a movie. Vacation is still one of the funniest movies ever written (don’t ever watch it with me) and if Uncle Buck doesn’t warm your cold stone heart, then get away from me because you’re dead inside and zombies scare me.

“Women Stick Together” or “Sticky Situation” or another glue pun

2009-08-04T18:11:00.009-04:00

This story is awesome for like 800 different reasons, one of which is the subtle yet revealing facial expressions in their mugshots, but most importantly, the fact that Wisconsin actually issues cartoon-style black and white striped inmate uniforms. I like it, it’s like a sorority theme party. Prisoners are usually all mopey about being locked up and wasting year after year of their lives, but if they’re dressed like the Hamburglar, it just makes it more fun.

I have no doubt that all these natural beauties are in high demand in their respective towns of Kaukauna, Menasha and Fond du Lac (I didn't even make those up), so this guy must be good because he got all 3 of them (one of the ladies is just somebody’s sister who “didn’t participate or nothing”) to sleep with him and give him money. Anyway, they all found out and long story short, they tied him up and super glued his junk to his leg.

He cried like a little girl to the cops, so now they could get up to 6 years in jail. That seems excessive to me, but I don’t have a penis. Guys are really weird about them.

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The cat's the smartest one in this whole story

2009-08-03T15:41:00.006-04:00

I’m sure this kind of thing happens all the time, but usually the cops turn the dashboard camera off before they record themselves outlining their plan to break the law. Luckily for Alexandra Something-hyphen-Something, this time they didn’t. The video is long and boring, mostly because this girl can’t figure out how to put a sentence together, but that’s also why it’s funny. Maybe she’s still drunk.

Here’s the gist: She got tanked and thought the best thing to do would be to go for a drive with a cat on her lap, because drunk driving is more exciting if you have a live animal to further distract you from not mowing people down like in Grand Theft Auto. I guess the cat decided it had a better chance at survival if it jumped out of a moving car than it did if it stayed inside with this drunk bitch behind the wheel, so she pulled over and stumbled to the side of the road to find the cat and drag it back into her death machine. While she was “looking for the cat” (throwing up jello shots), a police car rear-ended her car that was stopped in the left lane of traffic, just in time to keep her off the road before she killed an entire family or a bus full of orphans. PHEW. Unfortunately, Officer Dewey (like David Arquette’s character in Scream?) “masterminded” (ha, irony) a perfectly-thought-out plan to blame the accident on her and forgot to turn the camera off. So now the cops are suspended, the dumb bitch is totally free to do 9 car bombs before she drives her cat around, and I’m annoyed.

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If you do watch it, note that she can't even keep a straight face and around 5:10 in the video, her lawyer has to reach over and stop her from violently shaking her leg like a 4-year-old who's lying to her parents.

BTW, I’m not talking about all cops. I love cops. I think the ones who do it for the right reasons are the best people in the world. I like to be really dramatic and assume that most cops here are on the take, but in reality, my only actual interaction with the NYPD was very positive (as far as the cops were concerned). Not to mention, NYPD cops always have great cop names like Spinelli or O’Malley, and really thick New York accents. It's just like TV.

Dear Mom, the finance internship is going great...

2009-07-31T17:09:00.011-04:00

Someone snapped this poor kid on the Merrill Lynch bull this morning and I have nymag.com's Daily Intel to thank for seeing it, who has Dealbreaker to thank, who has a less than compassionate witness with a camera phone to thank.

For God's sake, someone at least try to wake him up. I don’t know what I would have done, but I think I'm a good person. People are always saying, "she's so kind and selfless." I’d at least get him a towel or a 3 dollar pair of shorts at Duane Reade and save him some ounce of what dignity he had 4 hours and 15 drinks ago. After I took a picture of him with my phone, of course.

OH no

2009-07-31T16:12:00.007-04:00

One or more of the casting directors on the set of my beloved Gossip Girl was already on thin ice with me after I found out about Hilary Duff, but now they’ve gone too far.

Sources confirm that Tyra Banks has signed on to appear on Gossip Girl this fall. The model-turned-media mogul will guest as an actress co-starring in a film with Hilary Duff’s character. Banks is scheduled to show up in episode 4.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I’d throw up, but I already did that after lunch. What? It’s summer!
If this continues and ruins Monday night teen drama for me, I hope whatever CW exec OKed this is fired. Or set on fire.

Somebody buy a car, so we can make burgers

2009-07-29T12:02:00.004-04:00

People always talk about how tough it is to live in New York, “it’ll chew you up and spit you out” kind of thing, and maybe when Liza Minnelli recorded that song in 1977 that was the case, but I’ve never found it to be true. I can make it here (I have so far, anyway, if the term “make it” is used pretty loosely), but I don’t think that necessarily means I can make it anywhere. I probably wouldn’t do so well somewhere like the Congo, for example. I don’t speak French and I think it’s really hot there. Anyway, the 80s were rough for New York, but Giuliani cleaned up the city and now it’s puppies and ice cream, so aside from ridiculous rent and that guy who flashed us on the subway, living here is usually a walk in the park. Usually. Transporting anything bigger than a tomato is another story.

IM from Dan just now: i wonder if i can get a grill in a cab

I hope so, I'm starving.

Rollin'

2009-07-24T16:30:00.003-04:00

This was a tough call because I’m pretty lazy, but I’m also pretty cheap and as my bank account’s luck would have it, this time cheap won. A few 6-packs are cheaper than hiring painters, so I guilted my friends into helping me paint my new apartment last night and it’s good thing, because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I painted 1/3 of a wall when Chris Chapple bought his apartment 2 years ago, but other than that I’d never painted anything in my life except for those ghetto houses in Waco in college and no offense, inner city Waco, but I wasn’t all that worried about the quality of work I was doing. And I hadn’t even had a few beers doing that. Ha, it was college…yeah, I had probably had a few beers.

Anyway, the apartment looks dope (I live in Brooklyn now) so shout out (told you) to my paint crew. Props. Or something.

Thanks, Jill and Kevin

2009-07-24T14:39:00.003-04:00

I have no idea how it happens, but this is further proof that I'm somehow out of the YouTube loop. Regina just sent this to me, and apparently everyone’s already seen it. I don’t care, though, it’s heartwarming. I even cried a little bit. Shut up.

I’m a crier, it’s no secret. I cry at anything even remotely sentimental, everyone knows it. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be sentimental. You put the right music to a cock fight and I’d probably tear up. A rainy Sunday afternoon once prompted me to watch We Are Marshall, and I should not be allowed to watch a movie about an entire college sports team dying (hello, my worst nightmare, I would have been left with like 3 friends). Not even Matthew McConaughey and his infuriatingly ridiculous accent and horrendous performance stopped me from crying like an idiot for an hour and 45 minutes. Point being, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that I’ve watched this 4 separate times and I’ve teared up every time. I’m such a girl, it’s like I just watched Beaches for the first time.

They seem like nice people, so I assume they picked that song before we knew Chris Brown beats girls. He also says "aks" which is not as bad, but really annoying.

Found: Apartment, Will to Live

2009-07-20T18:40:00.002-04:00

I feel extremely unorganized and unprepared for the impending move, but I’m getting yelled at for the lack of recent posts. I’m sorry! I haven’t even had time to watch ANY of Today Throws a Wedding, if it makes you feel any better, and I love that crap. I don’t even know their names this year, and I used to vote online and everything. I know, I’m gross. But what if that poor girl ended up with that hideous dress and it’s all my fault because America has horrible taste and I didn’t vote! I couldn’t let that happen. Thanks to the horrendous nightmare that is moving in this damn city, this year’s bride didn’t have me on her side. I don’t even really care about wedding stuff and I don’t know that girl, but unless she kicks puppies for fun or killed her entire family, she doesn’t deserve to have to wear a heart-shaped diamond ring.

If America didn't come through for you, 2009 Today Bride, I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help. The good news is that I found an apartment, so congratulations to me. If you haven't already, you should start thinking about what you'd like to get me for a housewarming gift. And don't try to get away with that Italian thing of giving a loaf of bread and a penny. I don't care about symbolism and I'm not Italian.

I have a headache

2009-07-08T17:57:00.003-04:00

This month may very well kill me. The never-ending debate of space versus location. If I end up dying of indecision and stress, remember me fondly. Tell the world my story.

I'll be back

2009-07-06T18:11:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted in a week. Apartment hunting has temporarily taken over my life. I'm no happier about it than you are.

*this Arnold pic totally matches this month's header.

You've Got To Be Kidding

2009-06-29T16:13:00.007-04:00

I’ve never really thought much about the whole “Big Brother” concept, not because I don’t think the government is perfectly capable of watching everything we do, I just don’t think that they’re really paying that much attention to me, so who cares. Now I’m sure this is a mere coincidence, but a few days ago, I posted this and last night I came home from Laine's wedding weekend to this in my mailbox: New York County Juror Qualification Questionnaire.

Well that’s just great. If you guys are reading this right now, and this is going to turn out like The Net with Sandra Bullock, can you make my new name something cooler than Ruth Marx? I’m really not a “Ruth.”

2009-06-24T17:29:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I’ll be here

There probably won’t be fireworks, though. Or snow, being that it's June. And it probably won't look like a Thomas Kinkade painting, which isn't the worst thing in the world because Thomas Kinkade paintings make me think of retirement homes. No offense, Thomas. Anyway, it'll be gorgeous and mountain-y and I know it's not the Alps, but I plan on taking the gondola up and doing a rendition of "The Sound of Music."

This weekend I’m missing two weddings (actually, one wedding and one wedding reception; I missed that wedding already) because I’m in another wedding, and that just seems excessive. Do I know enough people for it to be plausible for 3 of them to get married on the exact same day? I guess I do. Sara and Brad, I love you guys, sorry I can’t be there. I’m sending Flat Melissa with Lacee, so I’ll be there in cardboard. Chapple and Kelly, I only have one Flat Melissa.

So help me, if I come back on Monday and my coffee mug is missing again, I’m taking the law into my own hands. You won’t get away with this!

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-23T14:26:00.009-04:00

Ugh, I’m late. I did the same thing on Mother’s Day, why am I so irresponsible? He got his gift on time, don’t worry. I was telling someone last night how awesome my dad is, and now I’ll share it with the world. Or…the people who read this, which I’m fairly certain is fewer people than the world’s population. But who knows, this internet thing is catching on.

Could you just melt or what? Holy crap, that’s heartwarming.

And also, sweet stache, Manson.

That’s my dad at our Hip Hop Party in Austin in 2004. I told him that if he came to the party, he had to dress up, to which he responded with something along the lines of “No.” A while later, he showed up like this. I wish there was evidence of the entire outfit. It was one of my proudest moments. He hung out to catch up with my friends he hadn’t seen in a while and then went home to de-gangsta and leave us to our fun. I hope I’m that cool when I have kids. I also hope I’m in the kind of shape he’s in when I’m 62, but I’m not now, so it seems unlikely.

Boom Boom Pow

2009-06-22T17:35:00.005-04:00

Apparently someone punched Perez Hilton over the weekend (not very hard, as it would seem from his cry baby picture) and I don’t know if it really was Will.I.Am’s (can he just go by Will, for God’s sake?) security guy or some crazy drunk fan, and this may sound heartless, but I really don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like fighting or anything. I think it’s stupid and ridiculous and honestly, it scares me a little bit. Have you even been near a fight and heard the sound of a punch being landed on someone’s face? It’s terrifying. And it really hurts your hand. But Perez Hilton getting smacked in the eye for calling Will.I.Am a “f-ing fa—ot” is pretty great, if you ask me. I think Perez Hilton is an ass and takes things too far, but most importantly, NOT FUNNY. He’s not funny. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why anyone reads his site when there are at the very least, 600 other celebrity sites to read, 600 of which are funnier and more entertaining. It doesn’t make any sense and I will never understand it. Like quantum physics, or why anyone thinks Miley Cyrus is cute and talented.

I'm the one in red

2009-06-19T20:38:00.003-04:00

I think something’s wrong with my knee and dammit, this time it’s not my fault. It doesn't hurt when I run, but moving it side-to-side is a bitch. I didn't do anything to it, I swear. I’ve hurt myself on more than one occasion, so I can see how that might make sense, though.

Visiting Dallas, January 2008: I went down flat on my face like I suddenly lost all motor skills, and seriously injured myself in the parking lot of Cuba Libre in front of 50 people.

New York, March 2007: At work, I walked out of the bathroom and about the time I was right in front of the studio (meaning, everyone in the studio can see me), I started to turn the corner to talk to my friend Christian. I rolled my ankle, it slid underneath my other foot in my heels and I hit the hardwood with both knees like someone roundhouse kicked my feet out from under me. I don’t get embarrassed very easily and I might have been more embarrassed if it had been in front of people I’m not friends with, but I still looked like an idiot and turns out, landed myself in physical therapy for a month.

Waco, December 2001: Caught the heel of my shoe on the top stair in our apartment and tumbled head over feet until about halfway down and oh good, I stopped! Nope. No, I didn’t. I sailed the rest of the way to the ground and landed with all my body weight (which was a little more back then--thanks, college!) on my right hand. When I finally went to the ER the next day, the doctor came in, threw the x-ray of my wrist up on that light-up x-ray thing and said, “Oh, it’s broken.” CRAP. Then he said, “HA! It’s not broken, I’m kidding.” OH, you scared me, Doc! Followed by, “Just kidding, it really is broken.” Swear to God. That’s what he did. I wore a giant cast for months, but it got me out of talking to girls at rush parties that year. Totally worth it. BUT, it’s negatively impacted my bowling form for life as I learned a few weeks ago after work, when I bowled a 44. I also learned that night that playing games on Wii is not practice for playing them in real life. That theory is further illustrated by the fact that I’ve never played tennis in 29 years, but my Mii has mean backhand and a lightening serve.

REALLY???

2009-06-19T18:52:00.003-04:00

Today is Juneteenth (and also Sara's birthday--happy birthday, Sara!) and 123greetings.com is really going out of its way to keep it PC this year. A drum, some BBQ, a little girl with dreads, and a fountain drink, which judging from the rest of this ecard, is most likely grape soda. You morons outdid yourselves, the only thing missing is a slice of watermelon and a gun. I’m not sure why the person drumming on Juneteenth is white, though. Maybe it’s Lisa Bonet. 123greetings.com, I’d take that down before Al Sharpton sees it. (And don't tell him what I said about Lisa Bonet.)

Pick me! Pick me!

2009-06-19T18:16:00.005-04:00

Runaway Jury was on last night and I’d never seen it, so I watched it and I started thinking…not about the ethics of our judicial system blah blah blah…I started thinking, is it weird that I’m 29 and I’ve never been summoned for jury duty? I’m not complaining, it just seems odd. Does the government know I exist? I know they do, they take half my damn paycheck to the bank. So what’s the deal? What am I not good enough? I think I’d be a really good juror. OJ would be in prison right now, I’ll tell you that! Oh, he’s actually in prison now? For something concerning sports memorabilia? Make-up call! Good work, legal system.

.

Finally

2009-06-19T17:57:00.004-04:00

Got this email today.

From: ZAK MUK [mailto:zakm17@msn.com]
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 3:27 PM
Subject: YOUR PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

Attn: It was Resolved and Agreed Upon Today By The Board Members And Directors That your fund valued at $5.5Millon Will be Released To You On A Special Method Payment.via key telex transfer (KTT) -direct wire transfer OR by ATM Means,You Are Now Asked to Send Your Fullname, Address, Phone, age, to claim your fund.

Bout time.

Cleveland Rocks

2009-06-19T14:36:00.005-04:00

Perhaps from now on, I’ll just steal things that I think are funny from my friends’ Facebook pages. My life would be so much easier. Is that true? Not really. My life is pretty easy already. If it got any easier, I’d just be in a coma.
I stole this from Anthony. He took it at a Burger King somewhere around Cleveland. Thanks, Anth.

I’ve never been to Cleveland and I don’t know anything about the city except that Drew Carey claims that it rocks and they have a politically incorrect baseball mascot (not that that bothers me, what do I care? I'm not Indi--Native American, but he's actually RED) but these guys seem to love it there.

Blair was right

2009-06-17T17:53:00.007-04:00

I stole this from Jeff. His FB caption for it says "Probably the worst person to ever meet."

Truer words were never spoken.

I once was in the dressing room at the Urban Outfitters on 10th and 2nd around closing time when the NYU student employees were all huddled in the room next to me, sorting through the discarded overpriced boho crap, and the fact that they all made it out of there alive is damn near a miracle because listening to their whining almost sent me over the edge, like those women on that Oxygen series Snapped.

“Dude, I HAAAATE going home for the holiday break. It’s like they don’t get it. My friends that go to other schools are like all ‘We went to a frat party’ and I’m like, ‘Uh, lame!’”
“Dude, it’s so lame.”
“Yeah.”
“Totally.”

Later on they barricaded themselves in the NYU cafeteria and cried about tuition prices. (These actually aren't the same kids, but they absolutely could be. And probably are.)

This isn't the 60s and you're not a character in Rent. I'm going to Whole Foods to protest the price of hummus! Oh, I'm totally free to get hummus cheaper elsewhere? This is what democracy looks like!

Things I need

2009-06-17T17:23:00.007-04:00

These are the things I was thinking I need today:

1. A notebook. It often happens that I’m out and think, “ha, that’s funny, I should write about that.” Followed later by, “what did I think would be so funny to write about earlier?” Then I thought, what if someone found it and read it? That’s embarrassing. Ryan found a girl’s notebook at a party one time and carried it around with him for a week before he saw her to give it back to her. In that time, Lacee and I (obviously) read it. Just run of the mill notebook stuff, you know, like To Do lists.
To Do This Weekend—make impressive omelet, take meaningful walk on bridge, smoke a cigarette in a cemetery.
Verbatim.
Ryan has one, too. To this day, I’ve never been able to see even a page of Ryan’s notebook. I wonder what’s in there.

2. One of my nerd computer friends to have enough time to build this site so that I don’t have to use BS Blogger anymore.

3. A nap.

Talking about notebooks makes me think of my friend Steve's Moleskine Hack

What we've all been waiting for

2009-06-17T14:38:00.002-04:00

I know we’ve seen Teresa throw that table over 1,000 times on the season previews, but it was pretty damn good last night even so.
“EngAGED 19 TIMES?!” That’s when she lost it. You know why? Because Danielle told her to pay attention. I know.
In Teresa’s defense, the way Danielle said it, she might as well have said “you’re the biggest idiot in this room” (I can’t think of anything more insulting) because it was pretty condescending. Also in Teresa’s defense…crap, I really wanted there to be something else. Because you know what, I like her. There, I said it. She’s as dumb as rocks, she says the word “bubbies” far too frequently, and those gremlins she calls her daughters are terrifying, but God help me, I want to squeeze her.

Give Peace a Chance

2009-06-15T16:28:00.003-04:00

Oh man, that was fun. Everyone’s all fired up. Now let’s get zen with John and Yoko. Deep breath. Aaaaah, I feel better. I can imagine all the people living life in peace. I think that song was about blog comment sections.

DRAMA

2009-06-15T00:45:00.002-04:00

in the comments on the last post! Weigh in, feel free. I'm enjoying this.

I'm getting Team Dave shirts made up

2009-06-12T17:26:00.008-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Sarah Palin’s absurd and if I'm forced to listen to her whiney voice in that terrible accent, I immediately dismiss everything she says the moment it hits my ears because she's a calculating bitch and unfortunately for Alaska, not very smart, but this I just cannot ignore.

“The comment that was made about statutory rape of my 14-year-old daughter…” ?

“It would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman…” ?
(Matt asked what she meant by that...you should watch her response, her idiocy is entertaining)

I cannot physically roll my eyes enough to convey how ridiculous those statements are. David Letterman made a joke. Shocking, yes, because he’s a comedian, so it’s weird that he’d do something like that. Not in the best taste to joke about a young girl getting pregnant or being a hooker? Eh, maybe. But the Spitzer joke is really more of a slam to Spitzer than it is to Bristol, and she already got herself pregnant by some redneck named LEVI, for God’s sake, so let’s not act like a joke about A-Rod knocking her up is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.

Phew

2009-06-11T15:19:00.004-04:00

Aside from my coffee mug being stolen in my absence, the trip was a success. We caught a shark and ate it for lunch on our fishing day. Two days later we swam with sharks at a spot in the ocean called Shark Ray Alley and I kept thinking one of them might recognize us and get revenge for their buddy. Like Boyz in the Hood. I wasn’t the one who caught that shark, but Ricky Baker didn’t do anything wrong either and look what happened to him. He just wanted to play football and thanks a lot Ice Cube, now he’s bleeding all over Cuba Gooding Jr. on some street in South Central. I got lost in LA once on my way from Hermosa Beach to Malibu and had the gas station attendant not laughed in my face and then told me how to get back to the 405, I would have ended up in Compton at 11:00 on a Friday night. It’s a good thing I didn’t. Not because it’s dangerous or anything, I just don’t like malt liquor and I think corn rows would give me a headache.

Mug shot

2009-06-11T14:03:00.008-04:00

To whoever stole my coffee mug off my desk while I was gone, shame. On. You. And also, thank you for not stealing my iPod. My boss described it as “the perfect crime” because they left everything of value and who the hell cares about a coffee mug? No one will ever investigate. Justice will never be served. Well you wanna know who cares about a coffee mug? Me. I do. Because now I have to use a paper cup (until I remember to buy another mug) and using that mug was one of the only “green” contributions I make. I also bought those corkscrew-looking low watt bulbs, but that was really more out of laziness because they last longer and changing light bulbs is a pain in the ass. If Leonardo DiCaprio (he’s all “green” right?) pays this office a visit and I’m drinking out of a paper coffee cup, I will find you. And take my mug back. That’s really all I can do.

You Betta Belize It

2009-06-10T17:08:00.011-04:00

Ok, I'm back. I'll write some crap tomorrow, but for now, here are some of the pics I took over the weekend.