Of course

I know everyone’s already talked about this and I’m embarrassingly late, but honestly, is Kanye West mentally ill? I’m totally serious. Is he? Even TANKED, no one could think this was an ok thing to do. Who is malicious enough to do something like this? Charles Manson? Hitler? So, mentally ill people. And of all people to mess with, holy crap. People who are as sweet as Taylor Swift usually annoy me, because it’s almost always fake, but she’s the most adorable and loveable thing since that sneezing baby panda, and she’s totally sincere. Someone should dress him up as a girl and make him talk shit to Chris Brown. And take your sunglasses off, asshole, you’re inside.

Another guest room bites the dust

The last time this happened I was a little overwhelmed, but I think my brain is starting to get the hang of this now. Yesterday, no person. Today, whole new person. Just out of thin air. It’s like magic. No bunny. Bunny. Karee had her baby this morning, is what I’m getting at. When she sent the first sonogram picture, my response was “There’s a child in your stomach.” A CHILD in your STOMACH. Or, not your actual stomach, but you get my point. If you really think about it, that’s wild. Anyway, today he came out and I’m pretty excited about it.

Riggs, I’ll see you in a couple of months and I can’t wait. You’ll love New York, it doesn’t sleep either.

It was just a matter of time

I’m living the Mac commercial today, and it makes me feel like a pop culture failure and a traitor to my generation. I’m a middle-aged, overweight, balding, suit-wearing PC. Cool kids, I’m sorry. It’s not because I don’t want a Mac. I’m not like, a loyal PC-user or something. I don’t even hate Justin Long as much as most people do. I’m just cheap. My bank account would argue that fact, but it feels wasteful to spend 2 or 3 times more for something than necessary. Until today. “I just want something without a million viruses and a ton of headaches.” It’s like they’re inside my mind.

I don’t like to do stuff that might be difficult or irritating, so last night when it started hemorrhaging pop-up windows that said I had a virus, I just turned it off and ate a brownie, but thanks to the talented and handsome IT guys at my office, I can put off personal technological advancement for as long as I want. Which is until Paul gets someone to give me a discount on a new Mac. Paul?

Publicly guilting people into doing me favors is the #1 reason I write this thing. Paul??

It’s September 11th and I guess I could not say anything about it, but I’m in New York and the anniversary is pretty apparent here, so it’s impossible to overlook. I don’t know anything about anything, as I’m sure you’ve come to realize, and I’m not going to write about that day. I wasn’t here then, and I can’t begin to understand what it was like. I’m not going to do some sort of “We Will Remember” kind of thing, because no one says that in real life and I wish people would just cut it out with the BS clichés. All I’ll say is that for the people that were here and lost friends and family, today must horribly painful and I’m truly so sorry. And…………We will remember. DAMMIT.

As if this could get creepier

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The first part of this video is even creepier than the creepy thing it advertises to be about in the first place. The sicko nutjob who kidnapped that girl and held her captive in tents in his backyard for 19 years, tried to be a musician a million years ago and…uuuuh…Did he just say they found human bones in his backyard? But they don’t know if it’s another victim because there are Native American burial grounds in the area? WHAT? Wait, is this the Poltergeist plot?

Man, what a great movie. When I was little I’d sit on the kitchen floor and hope I’d scoot across the room. It never worked. If we had Indian ghosts, they weren’t mad enough to haunt me. I should have made that offensive cartoon Indian sound with my hand over my mouth. Or poured a bottle of whiskey down the drain. That’d probably do it.
“You only moved the headstones!” That Steven Spielberg knows what he’s doing. One day he’ll be huge.

Anyway, first off, this guy was already convicted of kidnap and rape in 1976. The kidnap-and-rape combo seems like it’d carry a mandatory life sentence, because those psychopaths don’t stop being psychopaths, but for some horrifying reason, it doesn’t. So if you get caught kidnapping and raping someone, just be patient, you’ll be back at it in no time. Play a game of Monopoly with that guy who stole a car, you’ll be out before he will.

How this maniac’s parole officers missed the tent city in his backyard and the 3 people living in it, I can’t pretend to understand, but it all worked out because 19 years later he ran into someone competent and was caught. Again.

He’s all crazy religious and his neighbors call him “Creepy Phil” (I think one of them must have taken a creative writing class or two) and now, to top it all off, he was also a bad amateur musician in the 70s! AAAH! Oh, the lyrics are about little girls, that's the scary part.

The kids are ok!

The big scary socialist-agenda-pushing speech is finally over. OH the controversy! School districts that banned it and parents who kept their kids home from school can all rest easy now. Your kids narrowly missed hearing a speech about working hard to live up to their potential. PHEW, that was close!

It’s pretty terrifying that anyone listens to nut jobs like Jim Greer, but I can’t talk about it or steam will come out of my ears and my eyeballs will do summersaults in their sockets, like a wacky cartoon character who was just hit over the head with a mallet.

You'd think motivating the little rug rats to want to do well in school would get the ok from teachers, of all people, but you'd be wrong. My sister teaches 5th grade in Texas, and some of her fellow teachers were none too pleased that the President wanted to talk to their kids about (GASP) taking education seriously. They “questioned his motives.”

That's rational.

I'm not sure what evil motives they assume are behind him asking 3rd graders to do their homework, but just don't look at the swinging pocket watch in his right hand and you'll be fine. You're getting sleeeeepy...veeeryyyy sleeeeepy...



Here's the speech, in case you want to find the socialist brainwashing part. Keep looking!

FTW

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Some idiot girl in Pickens, Mississippi pulled out a gun on a school bus and first of all, how in the hell does a middle school kid get a gun? I know it seems to happen all the time, but this girl is 14. I doubt she’s selling meth in the lunch room, so I’ll assume she took it from home, which is pretty infuriating. Listen, maybe her parents are 100% responsible and conscientious. Maybe they’ve always talked to her about gun safety and maybe they keep it locked up securely, but she outwitted them and had been secretly studying the art of lock-picking from a young age and then, years later devised a plan to get them out of the house so she could pick the lock and take the gun, replacing it with an exact replica, and get it onto the bus, without anyone being the wiser. Or maybe they had “a cheap, chrome-plated .38 automatic” conveniently located right next to the loaded magazine (that’s the first time I’ve ever said the word “magazine” and not meant Vogue) well within reach of their middle school daughter. Probably in the drawer with the candy. I can’t imagine which scenario is more likely. Either way, she got it out of the house (presumably) and onto the bus undetected, and then loaded it and pointed it at 5 year olds.
Luckily, Kaleb Eulls is less afraid of little girls and guns than I am and took her down before she killed everyone. I know it seems like no big deal because she’s a tiny little girl and he’s 6’4” 255-pound guy, but I don’t care who it is, someone pointing a goddamned .38 semi-automatic at you if freaking scary. And jumping on it, is scarier. To top it off, he’s got a 3.5 GPA and is one of the 12 best football players in the state. I think I saw this story in a Disney movie once. Someone send that kid a fruit basket.