Welcome to the best thing ever

Apparently I miss out on Youtube crazes more than I realize. How I manage to never see things that have like 40 million views, I’ll never know. I sit at a computer all damn day long. I just found out about that penguin site today. I know! But thanks to my gorgeous, talented and hilarious friends Rachel and Jody, I didn’t miss this. And actually, it only has 98,000 views, which is nothing. Susan Boyle got 98,000 views before she got off the stage. That skateboarding dog has like 7 million. SEVEN MILLION VIEWS. So basically, Rachel and Jody are to be credited with the discovery of what is now my favorite thing in the whole wide world. Maybe second favorite thing…I really like Oreos.

So here’s the set-up: Brenda Dickson was a beauty queen turned soap “star” in the 80s. That’s really it. Enjoy.



As if someone could possibly see that and not be compelled to make a parody:



I know it seems like she should have died of shame and hairspray a long time ago, but I guess not:

http://www.brendadickson.com

She also has a blog, which is one too many things that Brenda Dickson and I have in common.

http://brendadickson.blogspot.com

I don't get it

If you don't watch Gossip Girl, there's really no point in reading anything that begins with "GG" at all. It will make little to no sense. In that case, scroll. If you do watch it, comment away.

GG 4.27.09: It's full of mole men and middle class professionals

No Cyrus and a serious lack of great Dan deliveries, but Rufus's heartbreaking performance and the lines in the first scene could possibly have made up for it.


"NYU? What was i thinking, you know how I feel about ironic facial hair."
You know who had ironic facial hair? Hipster art douche. It's ok, he's gone. I know, I'm sorry I brought him up.

"I'll teach you everything you need to know...the best pot dealer, but first the most important of all, how to ride the subway."

"Nate, you're sweet, but obviously you've inhaled too much patchouli. There's no way i'm going down there! It's full of mole men and middle class professionals."
First of all, I grew up in Austin, which would be the hippie capital of the world if Berkeley fell into the ocean, so you'd think I'd have developed an immunity to the smell of patchouli, but I haven't. It's still foul. Secondly, I've never seen a mole man in the subway, but I did try to rent the documentary once at Kim's but I couldn't because they want your first born and half your 401k to rent movies there. Hipster snobs. I have, however, seen middle class professionals plenty of times. Wait, is that me? Shit. Oh, nevermind, I'm far from professional. Phew.

"Check out what dad was looking at..."
what? that gypsy ring?

"Rats go underground, not Waldofs."
"No man is worth suffering the indignity of mass transit."

"Gabriel is disappearing for a reason, we need to get to the bottom of it."
At least Blair's not a total moron. Is Serena too young to have been burned badly enough to not trust her non-boyfriend? Oh, she's 18. I keep forgetting.

Chuck's playing basketball with Nate on Forsyth and Chrystie? I doubt it. His basketball outfit is worth it, though.



Uuuuuuuuugh, Gabriel's pretentious-voice almost makes me miss hipster art douche Aaron Rose. Lily's gonna go into labor from excitment if he doesn't cut it out.
"I'm sorry to hear that, family's so important." HA, Lily, you make me laugh.
"UH, I asked the caterer for a '99 Brunello, this isn't a PTA meeting." aaaaaand, she's back.

"I see you're wearing your beret...who are we spying on tonight?"
I, too, love the beret.

Poppy's not stupid enough to jump out of the car RIGHT in front of the building. please.

"WHY can't anyone see a movie around here??"

HOW does no one think it's gross that she's barely 18. How old is this guy? I ask that every week, we'll never know the answer.
"I only have eyes for one girl, and she is..." a teenager.

Hey, there's V...where's she been?
"where you been?" ah, thanks, dan.

Did Dan just say "the V.D. Dubs"?

Is the hair stylist going through some personal problems? Jenny's hair finally looks decent, yet Serena hasn't owned a brush for like a month. It's weird.

"Gabriel's still popping Poppy"
"no no this is too MOB"
AH YES, the second one. boobs.

"We have this amazing connection...he said he fell in love with me the first time he ever saw me..."
"he fell in love with you while you were roofied, how romantic!"
Aw, teenagers are stupid. My senior year high school boyfriend, Nate and I said 'I love you' after like 2 weeks of "dating." I think it was in his car in the Taco Bell parking lot. Everything's romantic when you're 17. If we had been alone in Spain, my head would have exploded.

"he's having her cake and eating yours, too." ew.

WAIT, a music publishing company offered to buy the Lincoln Hawk catalog? Ummm...

"This place is great, but Murray Hill? Even your mother's too hip for this zip code."
hahahaha. AJ used to call it Murray Killmyself. It's true.
In case you don't know...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eylKBJiDNeM

Good Lord, Nate, they ran into each other on the street, chill OUT.

"she didn't steal me...she swept me away."
oh gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, i just threw up. Aaron, I'm sorry, come back

"the whole looking up and looking down thing...has a certain appeal to it"
"even though your life sucks right now, you didn't need an STD panel this week."

does jenny have friends who aren't her dad and her brother?

"how will the African teenagers send in posts to Gossip Girl?"

"i thought there was Mets game...i saw Dorota wearing her hat"

"he told Chuck that he met you that night at Butter, but htat's impossible b/c i know that Butter was closed that night because I used their bartender for the Nelly Yuki SAT Sabatoge Party"

"Butter? really?"
"it does sound kind of stupid when you say it out loud..."

wow, this is really serious music for this 'i can't afford to go to Yale' conversation.

OH NO, RUFUS NOOOOOOOO, don't give him all your money
I think I just felt an actual emotion.

i knew that hand-holding comment earlier would come up again.
"i can't believe i have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair"
Did the Huffington Post get an inside tip on that line?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/27/nancy-pelosis-hair-throug_n_170480.html

Georgina's at...JESUS CAMP. YES. oh, Jesus, I love this. And also, I don't buy this for one second.




"even her flaming red hair?"
Serena's smart now?

PASSION PLAY and paper mache apostles. it just got even better than i thought.

"She told me that Butter was closed the night that I allegedly met her there. and what the hell is Butter?"
He's from North Carolina, we can't expect him to know. Plus, it's not 2005.

OH GOD, this might be the most emotional i've ever been watching this show. Rufus's face giving Gabriel that check...

Whoa, did Nate just wake up? WHERE is the HAIR GUY??\
"you know, I loathe Murray Hill..."

"we pooled our savings."
"fortunately your tastes are very modest."
Yeah, you're not kiddin, Dan. Is there even a diamond? Have they MET Lily?

HAAAAAA Georgina's back. duh.

SCENES from next week..."I gave up my old ways and let Jesus take the wheel."
"THAT is a Carrie Underwood song."

THAT is something I wrote about just the other day. weird.

Mark my words

As of 1:00 today, there have been 40 reported cases of swine flu in the US and 28 of them were in New York City. It's a scary thought. Also a scary thought…somewhere in a dorm room, right now, 1st year design students at Parsons have already started bedazzling surgical masks. They'll sell, you watch.

Jersey takes it

The Real Housewives of New York are completely ridiculous (although I give Bethenny a pass because I think she's hilarious, and she's only in this thing for the book sales, which I don't think she'd hesitate to admit) and they have no idea, which is what makes it so fantastic. If you’ve missed this season, Kelly is the newest and the most nauseating of the bunch.

Kelly: “I just don’t have time to work on Jill’s charity. I don’t even have time for my own charities!”
Luann: “What charities do you do?”
Kelly: “Oh, I don’t do charities.”

I didn’t even make that up. Point being, you have to be borderline clinical to make the Real Housewives of New York look classy, but by God, New Jersey did it. It’s pretty impressive, actually. How could they possibly make those idiots look better by comparison? Super guido trashiness ON TOP of the absurdity. That’s how. YES!

1. Dina: I think this picture says more about Dina than I could ever say.

2. Danielle: She prides herself on being one of the first women in New Jersey (and 14th person in the country) to have a Black American Express Card and her history of celebrity hook-ups is one for the record books.
Immediately followed by: An active member of her local parish, Danielle attends mass regularly and engages her daughters in religious education and community involvement through the parish.
That's just perfect. I can't make it better.

3. Caroline: Supports her son’s decision not to go to college, but instead pursue his "goal" of opening a strip club/car wash. That’s not a typo. A strip club, that is also a car wash.
At least make him go to Rutgers, come on.




4. Teresa: In the scenes from the upcoming season, she throws a table over at a restaurant during an argument. THROWS an entire damn table OVER. You’d think that things like that would happen a lot in Jersey, but I’ve been there for dinner many times and I’ve never seen it. Point Teresa.

5. Jacqueline: Jacqueline is Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas. She married into the family and you can tell that at some point, she was normal, but now she’s been totally sucked in and there’s no getting out. She’ll be hiding coke from the Feds in no time.





May 12th, we’re waiting. Incidentally, the message board for RHNJ is almost as entertaining as the show. “Real NJ Wife” and “ChaCha sMama” are really on top of things.

Real NJ Wife
March 19, 2009 - 11:34 AM
Thanks Bravo. Now every single housewife of New Jersey is going to have a bad rap thanks to these 5 wackos. Did you really do your research before selecting these women? I guess Dina Manzo is just looking for some kind of celebrity. At least let America know that her wedding was on VH-1 and she is just a gold digger. Why don't you finally smarten up and do a show on real women who have real jobs and real families, not nannies and housekeepers. But then again, I will let these so-called "housewives" hang themselves and let America see for themselves all the fakeness and back stabbing liars that they really are!!

ChaCha_sMama
March 22, 2009 - 06:42 AM
I think they choose certain characters in their Housewives show because of the drama.

You two should crack code for the CIA.

I'm usually right

I once (6 days ago) said that my friend Ashley will not be the kind of mom who annoys me. Exhibit A:
Marissa: How’s Patrick doing at home?
Ashley: He’s super chill

We’ll keep a running list, so other people can take notes. She didn’t say “a gift” or “blessed” at all. Not once. That is a gift, I feel blessed.

So 5 years ago

I never mentioned this, but Sunday marked 5 years since I moved to the city. 2004 doesn’t sound like it was that long ago, but I dare you to look at a picture of yourself from 2004 and not gasp. I just did it. I don’t look drastically different or anything, but those highlights were working overtime. Wow. I was 24. If you’re as good at math as I am, you can figure out how old I am. Use addition.

Our first two months in the city were spent in a sublet in Astoria, and God help me, I know I grew up in Texas, but you've never felt heat like 98 degrees in a 6th floor walk up in Queens with no air conditioning. I remember a few times waking up in the middle of the night and seriously considering sleeping on the roof. I think the only thing that deterred us was the fact that the tar on the roof was melted and gummy from the heat and we didn’t want to ruin the sheets. It was miserable. But even then, I don’t think we ever regretted our decision to move. See, it just got sentimental. Took me no time to get there. I can turn that around in an instant. I should write for Scrubs, they’re always doing that.

Anyway, happy anniversary, New York. You’re kind of abusive at times, but I still love you. I know, you’re sorry and it’ll never happen again. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have made you mad. I’ll go get you a beer.