Holy crap, I want to hang out with this dude

This guy’s a career criminal and I don’t think it’s ok to steal or anything, but the crimes he’s on trial for consist of putting his finger in his pocket and probably saying something like, “stick ‘em up!” so he doesn’t seem that scary.

The Daily News says: The source described Tackman's alleged crimes as "hit-and-run retail robberies" during which he put a finger in his pocket to make it look like he had a gun.

His finger in his pocket. Like a 50’s cops-and-robbers skit. He’s facing a life sentence at Riker’s. (Hey, what happened to that guy who kidnapped and raped a little girl? The first time he did it, or the second time that he did it after he was released from prison for the first time he did it?) Ok, I guess he had some other violations on his record also, but they won’t tell us what they are. Judging from his robberies, maybe he spiked the punch at prom, or tickled his kid sister until she cried.

Anyway, the point is, he escaped Manhattan Supreme Court this morning, which sounds like something that should be relatively difficult to do, but some court officer was no match for his finely tuned skills of wearing clothes and walking.

Tackman, who had been awaiting trial on Rikers Island, was "impeccably dressed" in a jacket and tie when he arrived for a pre-trial hearing on the 13th floor, the source said.
Somehow, Tackman managed to sneak down two flights to a holding area for prisoners awaiting trial - and where a court officer mistook him for a lawyer, according to the source.
"Counselor, what are you doing here?" the officer asked, the source said.
"The officer didn't even challenge him," the second source said. "He just walked out."

This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone, because apparently he’s tried to escape before. And in really fun and exciting ways!

Once, Tackman commandeered a corrections bus and tried to drive to freedom. "The guy is a legend," the source said.
In September 1985, Tackman was described as an "escape artist" by a corrections official after he tried to shoot his way out a prison van using a rubber-band powered zip gun fashioned out of metal tubing and a comb."

A RUBBER-BAND POWERED ZIP GUN FASHIONED OUT OF METAL TUBING AND A COMB. I’m starting to agree with the source. Fasten your seatbelts, he’s just getting warmed up.

In an earlier escape attempt, Tackman briefly took over another prison van by brandishing a "extremely realistic" but bogus gun carved out of soap.
Tackman made the guards stop the van and throw out their guns. Then he forced them to get in the back, where he locked them up with the other prisoners.

HOLY SHIT! This guy seems like he knows what he’s doing, so he could probably shank these cops and be done with it, but he made a f-ing fake soap gun instead. He never uses violence. He’s like Nic Cage’s character in ConAir. Maybe he robbed those stores to feed his family, anyone think of that?

Either way, he's running around the city right now, and don't worry, if I see him, I'll call the cops. Right after I give him a big high five, cause that shit's crazy.

GG 9.28.09: "Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."

Gossip Girl Season 3: The Lost Boy

Sabotage and evil are back this week, let us rejoice. Also, I've found joy in pausing any scene that Blair is in and reveling in her superb acting skills. Even transition facial expressions are priceless. She's a lunatic and I love her with all my heart.




AAAAh, we all just reacted the exact same way! Even Dan's new 'roid shoulders can't take the sting out of seeing him on top of Georgina. And it's not just because she's a spiteful, vicious little thing who tried to destroy my darling Serena. Michelle Trachtenberg bugs the bejesus out of me.
And by the way, I had to look up how to spell her crazy last name, and one of the movies in post-production on her IMDB list is called A Couple of Dicks. I'm just sayin.

"Feel free to hit the trail all you want." Ew.
"From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall, even for you." Mmmm hmmmm.

Is she talking like they're a couple? She's nuts, but she's still a 19 year old girl. And 19 year old girls are dumb. I wasn't, of course, because I'm far too mature for that sort of behavior, but I know girls who were.

Fantastic Dan delivery #1 of the night when he runs into Serena in the hall.
"Oh, of course."
Subtle, yet brilliant.

They keep putting Rufus and Scott in almost matching shirts. It doesn't make them look alike. Nice try. I see right through you, wardrobe.

Eric and Jenny! And Eric comes back with a vengeance.
"oh wow, 72 Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira."

"I'd just check to make sure there's not an ice pick under the bed." At first I thought she said "make sure there's an ice pick under the bed" like, because she's so cold and icy, he'd have to...nevermind. I think it would have been better, though.

Carter says he wasn't at Brandy Library last month and I believe him. Something's amiss.
"Mistaken identity?"
"Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."

Vanessa's really trying to get to the bottom of this Scott thing. She's so paranoid.
"My last boyfriend told me his dad invented the battery." haaaaaaa, what? Is that impressive? The battery? Lacee and I once told 2 guys at a bar in Austin that she was Harry Winston's granddaughter and that my enormous (and obviously fake) cocktail ring was my graduation gift from the family. Now THAT is impressive. Have I used that story before? I think I have.

Oh, the mail drop. I hate the mail drop. Oh look, she found something that she hadn't seen before.

Are we to believe that an exclusive secret society sent out invitations on that heinous gold rose stationary and didn't so much as hire a calligrapher or have them printed or...have someone write them who isn't 8 years old? Blair's not that stupid, but she is desperate and desperate always wins. I think we all know that from experience. Not me, of course, but other people.

And also, NYU has an exclusive secret society? Do they? NYU's not Yale, but what do I know about secret societies. I do know that if you were a Skull and Bones member, you're not giving away any of their secrets. Trust me. I know someone and he won't tell me a damn thing. He tried to get me to show him the top secret Pi Phi handshake, but I'm not telling if you're not telling. To the grave!



Uuuuuuugh...Golden Girls hair and the bunny. Does she look like a bunny or a mouse? Maybe it's a mouse. She's dating Nick Swisher in real life, which I guess is ok with me. He gets really excited on the field, so I like him, and she's not famous enough to be an asshole yet, so they're probably tolerable.

Scott just told Vanessa that he's her best friend's brother and he's been lying this whole time and THAT'S HER REACTION? "Oh my God." She raised her eyebrows, i guess she's surprised.


"And your parents said that you were dead."
"That was my little brother...why would they do that?"
Why are they both so calm?

"I came to apologize."
"So apologize."
"That was it."

SEE, Dan knows the appropriate level of reaction to things.

"Right...Rufus...yeah, I'll be there." OH Rufus. Your dad. right.

So they typed in "Scott Soccer Lions Boston" and came up with his senior soccer photo? Wow. Maybe they used Bing. Is Bing that good?

WHY is Vanessa not totally skeeved out by this? She's a "filmmaker" from Brooklyn, maybe she's just stoned all the time.

Nate and the...whatever small animal I've decided she most resembles...are really just superfluous.

"My Bottegas...where are they?"

It must be a dress up occasion, Scott put on a striped shirt and Dockers. Fancy.

And the winner for my favorite scene this week: Serena winning the auction. "WHAT?"


Scott's not even going to tell him now? After all that? Well, THIS TIME Rufus matches Dan, so he couldn't find out today anyway, no one would believe it.

Aw, they're sabotaging people as a couple. I think it's cute.
"3 bottles of '95 Dom on his hotel room service bill."
"the warrant...well, he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th precinct tomorrow."
The 24th precinct is on the west side. Chuck knows someone across the park?

"Finally...what happened in Santorini?"

AW, Carter was looking for her dad. I knew I liked him.

What the hell is Bree going to do with this information? I hope she turns out to be bad. If I have to look at her mouse face all season, it'd better be worth it.

OH, Blair believes in Chuck.

Her friend Devon was a member at Dartmouth? Didn't the assistant from earlier say she had an MBA from Tuck? Maybe I'll become a detective.

Cool things off? Take a break? Ah, college. And her wallpaper is the two of them at the rooftop party. So so true.

"BTW, when your lease at the Empire Hotel isn't renewed, thank Bright Eyes here."
Not to get too technical or anything, but I don't think Chuck has that much pull with the board.

Oh GOD, did Vanessa buy that purple and lime plaid shirt for him or has he just been hanging out on the LES too much?
And wow, Vanessa's a pretty good crier. Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker used to try to cry in Sex and the City, but she couldn't work up a single damn tear, so she'd just put her hands over her face and say "boo hoo hoo"? Hey, remember when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy for Sex and the City? GAH

Oh no, Georgina knows about Scott now. We're never going to get rid of him. Maybe he's more believable in Boston.

Miike Snow again? I like that album, too, but spread the love around, CW. Is someone sleeping with one of them?

He looked for her dad, and chased her down on a horse, and he loves her for who she is. It's heartwarming. And look at that smile. The only way I could love Carter Baizen any more right now is if they brought hipster artist douche Aaron Rose back and he strangled him to death with his hipster artist douche scarf.


OH mouse face IS evil (what'd Carter do to the Buckley's?) and Georgina's still REALLY evil. Yay.


Brace yourself, Tyra's on next week. Maybe don't eat until after you watch.

You should probably start freezing eggs

Today is Anna's 30th birthday. I don't know what that might feel like, because I still have my youth, but she's handling it well.


We met at a frat party when we were 18. It went like this:

Hi.
Hi.
Aren't you on my hall?
Yeah, I think so, I'm Melissa.
Hi, I'm Anna.
Hi...
So...
Yeah...
Let's dance.

We do a pretty fantastic nervous-freshman reenactment of that. One day we'll make it into a short film, but use your imagination for now. There's lots of awkward gesturing and my hair's blond.

A girl named Molly invited me to that party. She turned out to be really crazy and kind of trashy, but that night she served her purpose as far as I'm concerned. (I'm probably not the only one at that party whose purpose she served.)


Anna, happy 30th. I love you. Because you're a good person.

Mnw: oh nooooooooooo
adu-------: what??
Mnw123: Liz is moving here
Mnw123: and just emailed me
Mnw123: to help her
adu-------: smith!!?!?
Mnw123: yes
adu-------: ignore
Mnw123: dude...really?
Mnw123: can i just ignore it??
adu-------: you live in a huge city...you will never see her

***Names have been changed to protect the...ok, "innocent."

Sorry...and WOW

I apologize for last night's GG post being a little...boring. I'll say it, it was boring. I was tired and my beloved little monsters suffered for it, because I couldn't do them recap justice.


Anyway, holy shit. THIS


was in this lady's neck.


and here she is.


She's alive, is my point. Really puts a boring Gossip Girl post into perspective, huh?

GG 9.21.09: For people like us, a college degree is just an accessory...like a Malawi baby or a poodle

People always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now I know what I had. I had Eric and Jenny. And belts. And big fancy breakfasts.
Apparently Eggo's got some money to spare these days, and somehow the Humphreys don't, because all there is to eat in that loft are waffles. It's like when JJ and I were in college and the only thing our entire apartment were turkey dogs and Stove Top. I don't know if they're trying to make a point or if they forgot that they're billionaires now, but Dan ate a dry one on the run to NYU, then made Serena a stack the next day, and Rufus forced them on Chuck a day later. Someone go to the store, those carbs are killer.
That said, a few great lines, Dan's always fantastic delivery and Blair's superb facial expressions almost made up for the snoozefest that is Nate and Bree's forbidden and totally passionless day in bed. Hey, writers, remember when things were "mind-blowingly inappropriate"? We liked it that way.


Dorota's back just in time to give Blair her back to school headband! Thank God.

"Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public school girls...there's a place for that and that's in the back of a video store."
I lived in the dorm freshman year, and trust me, there's nothing "back of the video store" about a communal dorm shower.

"The only queens at NYU are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall."
Hey now, that is such a stereotype. I had friends who went to see Liza and they're...ok, they're gay.

"I trust that you know what you're talking about when you say to never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin."
I saw Daniel Baldwin on a plane once. He wasn't even sitting in first class and he looked like shit. Maybe that was Stephen, now that I think about it. Which one gained 50 pounds and stopped showering?

Dan's got fans at NYU already? And she's got a writing group that Dan can join?! Well hoooow convenient.

Hahaha, did Dan just almost spit his coffee out at the sight of Vanessa and Scott making out, or was Scott trying to convincingly read a line?

Oh, Serena's not going to Brown and she's going to stay with chuck? He's a considerate boyfriend AND a reliable step brother now?
"I assume you need a few ounces of study aid for Brown." At least his drug habit's intact. And is that a pinky ring? I don't think so, wardrobe.

"It's obvious none of you are from New York...Riverdale doesn't count."

HA, awww. "I read Marquee!" Aww.

Headbands are in the gift bags.

"Look, sis, for people like us, a college degree is just an accessory. like a Malawi baby or a poodle."

His dealer's in St. Bart's this week? Do drug dealers vacation in St. Bart's?

HA, Georgina's got her meds straightened out. It does make a difference.

Gaaaaah, can we lose his Nate/Bree thing already? His family doesn't like her family! And vice versa! Groundbreaking. Never been done.

OH no, S, SHUT UUu--she ruined it. Now she's bitchy AND stupid? Ok, she's always been kind of stupid.
Chuck saying "trainwreck" under his breath really does hurt.

Blair's facial expressions this week are unmatchable. UNMATCHABLE.

Vanessa WOULD make a documentary about a community garden. "When that gang member picked up his first carrot..."



VIP to VD? WHAT?

"Thank you for the waffles." See? I'd say they're using Eric's waffle iron, but they're clearly Eggos and Dan pulled the first one out of the toaster, so they're not even pretending they're not.

Ah, Carter's beltless tab front pants make me want a mint julep.

"I learned everything i know about women from Judy Bloom's Forever." Aaaahahaha. I'm not laughing, I was making fun of the dork literary club having a bonding moment over Judy Bloom and Dan's new shoulders.

Awwwwwww. She's motivated by evil and I still want to hug her when she has to ask Dan to take her to the party. I'm such a good person. So is Dan.
(But if he touches another headband, I might cry.)



"With your mother's LL Bean catalog?" Ew. You can't make this storyline entertaining. Nice try. And Nate saved his boarding pass? Because he wanted to remember the first time they met? First of all, gross. And guys don't do that.


Why do Carter and Chuck always use each other's full names? Carter...OH Baizen, Carter BAIZEN. Ok.

WHOA Scott. Don't question his professor recommendations! If you do it one more time, Katie, he might lock you in a room and force you to listen to him practice monologues.


hahahaha...the Jesus camp kids came to the city with zero notice to convert NYU students with tambourines? of course they did, what else are they doing on a Saturday night?



Did Rufus just say "safe place" like a therapist?

"The minute you cross 14th street, people forget there's a class system."
It's true, I used to live downtown and no one ever listened to me.

Tender in-bed Chuck and Blair moment? This isn't going to be popular, but I kind of appreciate their vulnerable sides. I know, I know.

OH NOOOOOOOOO!!! A few months ago, Anna IMed me and told me that a girl in her office used the word "download" to mean "inform" or something and I really hoped wasn't a new slang term and DAMMIT.
Vanessa, so you can do WHAT? "Download about the epicness of last night." Download? I hate kids.

Good, Serena and Carter. I know this will go sour next week, but I love love.

Oh, and Dan and Georgina kissed. Ooooooooooh.

Julia Roberts would never let this happen

I didn’t know about this until Jeremy brought it to my attention, because I was too busy watching videos on CollegeHumor or something equally as intellectual, and HOLY SHIT, this is a damn real life Erin Brockovich. Wait, that story was real life, too. Well, whatever…Erin Brockovich…in a different state, with different chemicals or something, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. The point is, there are coal mines in Prenter, West Virginia that are dumping all kinds of crap into the water and now 6 people in 10 houses near the mines were diagnosed with brain tumors and you can’t bathe in it without getting rashes and burns. SIX people in ONE neighborhood with BRAIN TUMORS.
I already said I’m not a scientist (I should maybe think about it, though, I think I could pull off nerdy glasses and a lab coat) so don’t take my word for it, but that seems suspicious. Water that gives people chemical burns seems iffy, too, but what do I know, maybe they’re just being babies. “Water shouldn’t be toxic and give you cancer...wah wah wah.”  Picky picky.

The article is here. I don’t know how this stuff actually happens, because we live in America in 2009 and water shouldn’t kill you, but the secret’s out, so somebody fix it already. You don’t just watch someone get eaten by a lion and do nothing to stop it, do you? Well, it’s a lion, I don’t know, that’s really scary. Anyway, you get my point.

GG 9.14.09: At least Tyra wasn't in it

Summer's over for the little monsters. And it's over for us, too! It's so real. The Humphrey clan and Eric hung poolside in the Hamptons all summer and somehow managed to not get the slightest bit of a tan, and Dan apparently spent every day in the gym instead of getting a haircut.
Serena looked for her dad and Tara Reid-ed around the world (AH, ew, i just involuntarily cringed when I typed her name) and Nate ditched his Zac Efron hair, which was clearly the wrong decision. He looks like a 70 year old woman who uses a shower cap to cover her hair in rain. If you wrap it in a hand towel to sleep, you only have to go to the beauty shop once a week! Just use a pick to fluff it up. Oh, and Chuck and Blair role played their way into not breaking up yet.


"No more beaches, and no more bonfires, and no more stalking the Barefoot Contessa through 1770 house"
That sounds boring, but I love her. She's so wonderfully pretentious and she's always making cocktails and arranging hydrangeas.


Why is Dan trying to make Rufus feel guilty? Everyone loves money, Dan, get off his back.
"Will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back, Kotter mug?"
And he would have a Welcome Back, Kotter mug. It sounds like something Urban Outfitters would sell. How kitschy.


"Isn't she taking a vow of silence for a month at the ashram?"
Uh, WHAT? That's Serena's alibi? Convincing.

"That Eat, Pray, Love thing of hers is great and all, i just highly doubt she can keep her mouth shut for a whole month"
First of all, can everyone cut it out with Eat, Pray, Love already? Can anyone go on vacation without referencing that book anymore? And is that supposed to be an insult? Who the hell can not talk for a month? Yeah, Dan, you're really the strong silent type.

Usually Blair wins for facial expressions, but Nate's fantastically satirical golden boy smile when the helicopter door opens FTW!
If they were going to give someone from Privileged a job when they cancelled it, it should have been one of the daughters. Joanna Garcia looks like a bunny. It sounds like it would be a good thing, because bunnies are cute, but that's not how I meant it.



There was a lot of information in this little argument.
"That right wing nut job called William Vanderbilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA." (Nice gay rights plug, writers)
"Maybe that's because William Vanderbilt called Jed Buckley a coke head and a cheater."
"What are you saying it isn't cheating if you get your Congressional aide pregnant?"

Sounds about right.

"You pulled my hair during Clinton's inaugural ball."
"Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn."
HAA, the writers are really going for it.

Ooh, their families are political enemies. It's just like Romeo and Juliet. I'm already bored.


Am I supposed to know who this girl who's hitting on Chuck is? Because I don't.
"Shame on your Ashley Henshaw, you may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney's castle in Lake Como..." Is this real, is she a real person?
"Take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!"
Abercrombie model? Do kids still wear Abercrombie? Did I just age myself out of being allowed to watch this show?


WOW, Dan found out she was lying and he's not freaking out at all? Did Rufus get him stoned on the way back to the city?

Ah, there she is. My life has meaning again.


OH here we go with this half brother nonsense. If I have to be subjected to this, could they have cast someone who can speak convincingly? I could play Scott better than this kid. Is he someone's nephew or something?

Lily ordered breakfast for them from out of town? How thoughtful and selfless. Sounds just like her.
"Glad i have the number for City Harvest." That reminds me to sign up to volunteer. That'll never happen, but I like to pretend like it might.
"A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like...one...season."
I missed you, Dan.


"The benefits of Bikram? 10 easy steps to colon cleanse?"
"Turns out Goop is good for something"
Oh nooooooooo, plug for Goop? Was that a plug or a slam?



"Sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think i had the whole Ivanka thing?"

"I know what you did this summer. And who. Cristiano Ronaldo. I hope you got your shots before you traveled."
Cristiano Ronaldo? That's who she's coyly smiling about? Gross. He wears more jewelry than I do, and his facial expressions look like he's posing for the cover of a porn DVD.


Oh, Vanessa, quit whining about Dan having money. (I would do the same thing, but I'm petty and jealous and she should be above that.) He's got like 15 hundreds in his new wallet, just stop crying and see if he wants to go shopping.

"Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don't even know why they make them."
They also make $1,000 bills. A $1,000 bill used to be worth $2,000. I only remember that because my friend's dad once told me that and we made jokes about paying for your $1,000 bill with your 2 other $1,000 bills. It was funny at the time.

"We can do Brooklyn things, like go to the dumpling truck and play signed or unsigned in the promenade."
I haven't been to the promenade all summer. Dan and I have so much in common.

OH, he's taking the limo. The horror.

Blair being needy and desperate and Chuck being sweet, is all really beginning to freak me out.


OMG, this guy is TERRIBLE. I can't take this, I'm going to have to turn the closed caption on whenever he's in a scene from now on.







"Needs a sandwich.
Adam's apple!
Catalog!
None of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them."










"It looks...smaller" The spacious million dollar loft looks so much smaller. Heartbreaking.

"I'd really like to not use my imagination when it comes to these pictures"
"You don't have to look close enough."
Don't say that to your dad about your ex-girlfriend.

Serena's worried what Carter might do? Really?

I didn't know what they were going to do with the second line of the song with the Miike Snow Plastic Jungle intro to the polo match, but they changed it. You can't say the F word on the CW.








Aw, Jenny's so excited about having her very own name card.












Alexandra Richards? I guess Theodora was busy.

How COULD he tell it was Dan? It's his back. And I know Vanessa is supposed to be dirty Brooklyn and everything, but did they have to give her dreads? At the polo match?

Oh look they put them in the same shirt, so we'd know they're supposed to look alike. We get it, Wardrobe, they're related.

AHhahahaha, she's taking off on one of the horses? She can't be tamed.

This Buckley storyline is boring me already. Her family's not talking to her because she went to Europe and missed a wedding? I missed my cousins wedding a few years ago and everyone still talks to me.

Ok, so her dad blew her off. I'm bored with that, too. And Carter's a good guy now? I kind of believe him. I'm so naive.




"I don't care if you're rich, which you aren't, by the way."

Oh gross, she kissed him. At least it stops him from trying to read his lines.

Oh, she WANTS to be in the tabloids. Oh, the twist. No one saw that coming.

Of course

I know everyone’s already talked about this and I’m embarrassingly late, but honestly, is Kanye West mentally ill? I’m totally serious. Is he? Even TANKED, no one could think this was an ok thing to do. Who is malicious enough to do something like this? Charles Manson? Hitler? So, mentally ill people. And of all people to mess with, holy crap. People who are as sweet as Taylor Swift usually annoy me, because it’s almost always fake, but she’s the most adorable and loveable thing since that sneezing baby panda, and she’s totally sincere. Someone should dress him up as a girl and make him talk shit to Chris Brown. And take your sunglasses off, asshole, you’re inside.

Another guest room bites the dust

The last time this happened I was a little overwhelmed, but I think my brain is starting to get the hang of this now. Yesterday, no person. Today, whole new person. Just out of thin air. It’s like magic. No bunny. Bunny. Karee had her baby this morning, is what I’m getting at. When she sent the first sonogram picture, my response was “There’s a child in your stomach.” A CHILD in your STOMACH. Or, not your actual stomach, but you get my point. If you really think about it, that’s wild. Anyway, today he came out and I’m pretty excited about it.

Riggs, I’ll see you in a couple of months and I can’t wait. You’ll love New York, it doesn’t sleep either.

It was just a matter of time

I’m living the Mac commercial today, and it makes me feel like a pop culture failure and a traitor to my generation. I’m a middle-aged, overweight, balding, suit-wearing PC. Cool kids, I’m sorry. It’s not because I don’t want a Mac. I’m not like, a loyal PC-user or something. I don’t even hate Justin Long as much as most people do. I’m just cheap. My bank account would argue that fact, but it feels wasteful to spend 2 or 3 times more for something than necessary. Until today. “I just want something without a million viruses and a ton of headaches.” It’s like they’re inside my mind.

I don’t like to do stuff that might be difficult or irritating, so last night when it started hemorrhaging pop-up windows that said I had a virus, I just turned it off and ate a brownie, but thanks to the talented and handsome IT guys at my office, I can put off personal technological advancement for as long as I want. Which is until Paul gets someone to give me a discount on a new Mac. Paul?

Publicly guilting people into doing me favors is the #1 reason I write this thing. Paul??

It’s September 11th and I guess I could not say anything about it, but I’m in New York and the anniversary is pretty apparent here, so it’s impossible to overlook. I don’t know anything about anything, as I’m sure you’ve come to realize, and I’m not going to write about that day. I wasn’t here then, and I can’t begin to understand what it was like. I’m not going to do some sort of “We Will Remember” kind of thing, because no one says that in real life and I wish people would just cut it out with the BS clichés. All I’ll say is that for the people that were here and lost friends and family, today must horribly painful and I’m truly so sorry. And…………We will remember. DAMMIT.

As if this could get creepier

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The first part of this video is even creepier than the creepy thing it advertises to be about in the first place. The sicko nutjob who kidnapped that girl and held her captive in tents in his backyard for 19 years, tried to be a musician a million years ago and…uuuuh…Did he just say they found human bones in his backyard? But they don’t know if it’s another victim because there are Native American burial grounds in the area? WHAT? Wait, is this the Poltergeist plot?

Man, what a great movie. When I was little I’d sit on the kitchen floor and hope I’d scoot across the room. It never worked. If we had Indian ghosts, they weren’t mad enough to haunt me. I should have made that offensive cartoon Indian sound with my hand over my mouth. Or poured a bottle of whiskey down the drain. That’d probably do it.
“You only moved the headstones!” That Steven Spielberg knows what he’s doing. One day he’ll be huge.

Anyway, first off, this guy was already convicted of kidnap and rape in 1976. The kidnap-and-rape combo seems like it’d carry a mandatory life sentence, because those psychopaths don’t stop being psychopaths, but for some horrifying reason, it doesn’t. So if you get caught kidnapping and raping someone, just be patient, you’ll be back at it in no time. Play a game of Monopoly with that guy who stole a car, you’ll be out before he will.

How this maniac’s parole officers missed the tent city in his backyard and the 3 people living in it, I can’t pretend to understand, but it all worked out because 19 years later he ran into someone competent and was caught. Again.

He’s all crazy religious and his neighbors call him “Creepy Phil” (I think one of them must have taken a creative writing class or two) and now, to top it all off, he was also a bad amateur musician in the 70s! AAAH! Oh, the lyrics are about little girls, that's the scary part.

The kids are ok!

The big scary socialist-agenda-pushing speech is finally over. OH the controversy! School districts that banned it and parents who kept their kids home from school can all rest easy now. Your kids narrowly missed hearing a speech about working hard to live up to their potential. PHEW, that was close!

It’s pretty terrifying that anyone listens to nut jobs like Jim Greer, but I can’t talk about it or steam will come out of my ears and my eyeballs will do summersaults in their sockets, like a wacky cartoon character who was just hit over the head with a mallet.

You'd think motivating the little rug rats to want to do well in school would get the ok from teachers, of all people, but you'd be wrong. My sister teaches 5th grade in Texas, and some of her fellow teachers were none too pleased that the President wanted to talk to their kids about (GASP) taking education seriously. They “questioned his motives.”

That's rational.

I'm not sure what evil motives they assume are behind him asking 3rd graders to do their homework, but just don't look at the swinging pocket watch in his right hand and you'll be fine. You're getting sleeeeepy...veeeryyyy sleeeeepy...



Here's the speech, in case you want to find the socialist brainwashing part. Keep looking!

FTW

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Some idiot girl in Pickens, Mississippi pulled out a gun on a school bus and first of all, how in the hell does a middle school kid get a gun? I know it seems to happen all the time, but this girl is 14. I doubt she’s selling meth in the lunch room, so I’ll assume she took it from home, which is pretty infuriating. Listen, maybe her parents are 100% responsible and conscientious. Maybe they’ve always talked to her about gun safety and maybe they keep it locked up securely, but she outwitted them and had been secretly studying the art of lock-picking from a young age and then, years later devised a plan to get them out of the house so she could pick the lock and take the gun, replacing it with an exact replica, and get it onto the bus, without anyone being the wiser. Or maybe they had “a cheap, chrome-plated .38 automatic” conveniently located right next to the loaded magazine (that’s the first time I’ve ever said the word “magazine” and not meant Vogue) well within reach of their middle school daughter. Probably in the drawer with the candy. I can’t imagine which scenario is more likely. Either way, she got it out of the house (presumably) and onto the bus undetected, and then loaded it and pointed it at 5 year olds.
Luckily, Kaleb Eulls is less afraid of little girls and guns than I am and took her down before she killed everyone. I know it seems like no big deal because she’s a tiny little girl and he’s 6’4” 255-pound guy, but I don’t care who it is, someone pointing a goddamned .38 semi-automatic at you if freaking scary. And jumping on it, is scarier. To top it off, he’s got a 3.5 GPA and is one of the 12 best football players in the state. I think I saw this story in a Disney movie once. Someone send that kid a fruit basket.