Immobilizing Snowfall!

I really love the ominous nature of the Accuweather maps. It's snowing, not raining blood.

California is tough on crime

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I don’t want to harp on this or anything, but yesterday the head of the California state parole system, Matthew Cates, admitted that “the man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard fell through the cracks.”

Matthew Cates is a pretty insightful guy. How big are those cracks exactly?

According to News 10 in Sacramento:

California Parole Board Commissioner Bilenda Harris-Ritter cites parole officers' failures to check the backyard, where there were tented areas, with electrical cords connected from the house, where Dugard was living with her two daughters fathered by Garrido.

She says the most egregious failure may have been by a parole officer who documented that a 12-year old girl was living in the Garrido home, but who did nothing about it, even though the terms of Garrdio's parole forbid him from having such contact with young girls.

Garrido had been classified as a "low-risk" sex offender, even though he had a history of kidnapping and violent rape in Nevada from years before.

Ah, ok, so...really fucking big.


--Hi, I’m here to check in following your release from prison for dealing cocaine. What’s all this white stuff in these conveniently packaged rectangular blocks?

--Oh, I sell powdered sugar by the kilo now.  For baking.  People love cupcakes.

--Well that makes sense. Cupcakes are delicious. Carry on.

All-Out Blizzard Wednesday!

We’re about to be in the midst of a snowstorm. The drama queen weathermen are anticipating something that looks like that movie with Jake Gyllenhall.......what was that movie called? Ah, The Day After Tomorrow. What did we do before IMDB? Also, Gyllenhaal is spelled like that. Not how I spelled it before. I could have just corrected myself, but I’m not hiding my flaws anymore. Here I am, world.

Anyway, I’m not a meteorologist, so I have no choice but to listen to their wild predictions for tonight and tomorrow. Driving is discouraged, trains are expecting major delays, and the airlines have thrown in the towel altogether. (Wusses.) Here in the city, all city public schools will be closed, which means those lucky little rugrats will be making snowmen in the streets of New York with heroin needle noses and little used-condom hats, and while they’re finding broken umbrella snowmen arms, and while everyone else in the northeast is snowed in with hot toddies and electric blankets, I will be at work. According to the email we just received from HR. Goddamn productive company.

I hope he ends up with Vienna

If you’ve watched The Bachelor with any consistency, then you know that ABC seems to be trying to out-boring itself with the snoozefest of dorks they cast as the bachelor. And this year they’ve really outdone themselves with Jake Pavelka. The only way this idiot could be less funny, is if he were in a coma. Actually, maybe he’d be funnier in a coma. Like if the doctors got bored one day and drew a mustache and a pirate eye patch on his face with a Sharpie, and then got a parrot to sit on his shoulder telling knock-knock jokes. That would be the funniest thing he’s ever done. And he didn’t even do it. He’s in a coma. He should thank those doctors.

He was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night, and for the love of Christ, I dare you to try to watch this whole thing without cringing every time he tries to make a joke. It’s like watching…I don’t know, what’s the least funny thing ever? Dane Cook? It's like watching Dane Cook without the wild gesturing and squatting.  Not so funny, is it?

Chris Nowinski vs. the NFL

The other night I was watching “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” and the topic was the follow up to a story they did in 2007 about concussions in the NFL. The segment was actually called “Head Games,” which I appreciate. Dateline and 48 hours should borrow the pun-y segment title writers from HBO. They’re always naming their segments after Nancy Drew books, like they’re going to trick us into watching news. "The Trouble At Twin Wrecks." "The Mystery At Empire Lake." (I didn’t make those up.) It’s a real life mystery, we get it. (I’m completely full of shit, of course, because Dateline reporter Keith Morrison’s voice is chilling and I dare you to watch 3 minutes of "The Mystery At Empire Lake" and not drop everything you’re doing to find out what happened to Michele Harris. “It’s a little piece of paradise…and perhaps…a particular corner of Hell…” Oh my God, where is she?!!)

That’s not the point, though. The point is that ex-NFL players are having all kinds of dementia and depression from brain damage they sustained while playing football, so Chris Nowinski decided to look into things. He’s a less than likely candidate to head up (yep) this investigation, but if anyone knows about concussions, it’s this guy.
He played football at Harvard (so, in a tweed sport coat) and then decided to ram his head into people (and folding chairs) for a living as WWE pro wrestler. (He thought about getting a regular job after Harvard, but then he remembered that girls who live in trailer parks are super easy.)
After a few years of that, he was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome. He started investigating the link between repeated concussions and serious brain problems, and when Andre Waters killed himself, Chris took his brain to some doctor, who cut it up into slices and poked at with what I think is a martini stirrer.
In a shocking twist that only the most advanced science could have proven, it turns out that banging your head into things as hard as you can for years on end, damages your brain. They also figured out where babies come from, but I wouldn’t be too quick to believe anything until more testing’s been done.

If you want to see if you can make yourself as depressed as a veteran NFL player, watch this:

Casey Anthony is sorry

You know how Casey Anthony killed her daughter? Well she feels really bad and is ready to plead guilty. Oh, no, not for that. Sorry, that was confusing. She feels really bad for stealing some money from her friend. Because children come and go, but friends and money are forever and nothing can ever bring that $400 back.

"I just want to let everyone know that I'm sorry for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions," Anthony, 23, told the judge, referring to the check fraud. "I wish I would have been a better friend."

She's tricky. "I take full responsibility. For writing a check! HA, you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?" It’s like when your boyfriend says “I love you” and you answer by saying “I love Yoo-hoo.” It sounds the same at first, but it really doesn’t mean the same thing at all.

I think Carrie Prejean already tried this

When Jon sent me the Facebook profile picture of this unknown "young" lady:

followed by the profile picture of her husband:


we basked in the awe of two trashy douchebags finding each other and having such well-matched judgment in Facebook profile pictures. It’s comforting. A lid for every pot. An Ed Hardy trucker hat (trust me, he has one) for every sexy witch costume. What’s less comforting is clicking on Sexy Witch’s profile and seeing the words “mutual friends."

Thanks, Baylor.

A few highlights from the groups that Sexy Witch and Shirtless Doublefist belong to:

Being Conservative
Sarah Palin
Rush Limbaugh and the EIB Network

Obviously.