Soulmates

I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:

r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember

Fluffy? Snowball?

There’s a show on A&E called “Hoarders” and it’s always pretty shocking, because crazy people are scary, but holy crap, that’s a dead cat.




And there’s another one over there.



I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel. 
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom.  Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.

Tiger Woods is addicted to sex with women who aren’t his wife

I understand that mental illnesses and disorders are real and that many people are affected by them. I saw A Beautiful Mind. That dude was crazy. Jennifer Connolly couldn’t even leave their baby with him, and he was putting newspaper clippings and string all over the walls and talking to imaginary Ed Harris….It was a mess. That is real. Schizophrenia is real. And it’s FREAKY. Did you see that Oprah with the schizophrenic little girl? Yikes. But now everyone’s hopping on this “addiction” and “disorder” bandwagon that makes it ok to do dumb shit because it’s not your fault. Cue this: Tiger Woods, Sex Addict? Is that even a real thing? I guess psychiatrists are saying it’s a real thing, but I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to matter to anyone. I don’t really care if he wants to drag it through every "cocktail waitress" in the country, but it seems unfair to get married and have 2 kids, if that’s your second-most time consuming hobby. And just to give his wife an extra punch in the face, he apparently finds condoms unnecessary while having sex with girls who have sex with lots of guys without condoms for a living. Merry Christmas, I got you AIDS.