Impossible

Shout out to Frank, who could not possibly have done what he just told me he did, but if he did do what he says he did, then we should all be really impressed by what he did. If he did it. Frank loves the Yankees (there’s no way to describe how much, they don’t make words for it), and I happen to have access to some baseball stuff. I recently sent him some leftover swag from last year’s all-star game, which included a bottle of French’s spicy brown mustard (b/c this is New York and we don’t do yellow mustard) with the Yankees logo on the front. If this is true, the concept of condiments is changed forever in my mind.

I ate the entire bottle of mustard last night.

On something? In something? With a spoon? I don't understand.

Frank loves the Yankees so much that he came to town last year for All-Star at Yankee Stadium. The Saturday before, we took a roadtrip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. I had to get up at 6 because Frank really wanted as many hours as possible in Cooperstown. To look at baseball crap. All day long. We arrived at the Lakeside Lodge around 12:30 and were greeted by the innkeeper, Toby. Toby was socially awkward, which seems like the opposite personality type you want in an innkeeper, but he said there was going to be french toast for breakfast, so I didn’t question his employment. At that point, we began to realize that it was less “lodge” and more romantic bed and breakfast. Frank and I were not (and are not now) romantically involved, so it amused us and inspired this:

Romantic Trip to Cooperstown: A (Fictional) Story in Pictures
















Later on, Toby got a phone call and I’m sure he regrets it now, but he let the machine pick it up and in turn, let anyone who was downstairs hear it. An old man who I assume owns the joint, is really serious about breakfast:
“Tobias, I’ll be out of town for a couple more days…hope things are going well there…I’ll be back on Monday…(long pause)….Don’t F—K up the eggs in the morning.”

I actually never even got any eggs (or french toast, for that matter) but it was a fun trip and Cooperstown is adorable:

To everyone who gets the used-to-be-weekly emails, Christy reminded me today how long it’s been and wow, I should be fired. But this isn’t my job, so joke’s on…me. Shit. I’ll get it out soon, I promise.

Sorry!

I’ve been totally MIA (not the rapper. I’m not a rapper. I talk pretty quickly though, so maybe I could be. No. No, I couldn’t) for almost a week now and that’s unacceptable. Unless I was in the Catskills for 4 days, and then decided to go out on Monday night until 5am, so Tuesday was pretty vicious, and now it’s Wednesday and I’m posting, so get off my back. Then it’s fine.

I have a pretty serious bruise on my ankle from kicking ass in the 3-legged race, but that’s the least of the injuries I expected with 21 people in one house for 4 days, so I’ll take it. Not to mention, I’ve seen enough movies to know that when a bunch of “kids” go for a weekend in the country, it ends in a killing spree, and we all managed to stay alive, so I’ll shut the hell up about a bruise I got frolicking on the lawn playing Field Day. There was a near-Deliverance moment when two guys in a pickup drove up out of nowhere in the dark and told us to keep the fire lower b/c “this was his daddy’s land” but Roscoe wanted to see the Budweiser case go up, and who are we to argue with a Groundhog. Or whatever the hell he is.

Ed can't be happy

Before I get to the results...ok, I won't even preface this, because it makes me laugh too hard to think. After I wrote the last post, I got this email from my dad:

He does make the songs his own by changing the arrangements, and he can sing anything from slow to rock and roll. He's got the best voice of any of the singers that American Idol has ever had.
So make fun of me if you want.


I'll make plenty of fun of you for being Idol intesnse, Dad, but not for liking Adam Lambert. The dude can blow. (Sorry, I had to do it.) Kris is a kutie (see, things that should start with "c" look wrong when they start with "k") and he plays the guitar and the piano, so I like him, but I've heard Simon say "this is a singing competition" about 10,000 times over the years. I'm not saying Kris can't sing (plus I wanna squeeze him) but if you have ears, you know Adam's better singer.

Alright, so the wait's over and Kris is the big winner. I know some people have been watching this all season, but I've been really invested since this afternoon, and I don't know about everyone else, but I'm pretty surprised. Supergay is clearly a better singer, and I'm pretty sure only about half the people in Arkansas have phones, so I don't know how this happened. I know they always act surprised when they win, but I think Kris is actually shocked when he says "Adam deserves this." You're totally right, Kris, but you're adorable, so good for you. Now shave that thing off your face.

In a few short hours...

I didn’t watch American Idol this year, but the finale is on tonight and all my dad can talk about is how great Adam Lambert is (he actually used the phrase “he made it his own” in reference to some performance. I know, he’s got his Nikes on and he said the Kool-Aid is extra grapey), so ok, I’ll bite. Apparently it’s down to Supergay Adam and some other kid named Kris Allen, who is adorable except for that ghost of a mustache that you usually only see in a police lineups and Tejano music videos. He’s growing on me, though, video clip by video clip. Supergay can wail, but I’m a sucker for a dude with a guitar. AND he can play the piano, which almost makes me totally overlook the fact that he spells his name with a “K.” It’s a toss up for me. He’s a little whiney, and Eyeliner’s definitely a better singer, but I don’t think he should be allowed to win with that Pete Wentz haircut. But it’s not up to me, and America will probably go with the whole “great singer” thing, unless Miss California joins the National Organization for Straight American Idol Winners and campaigns to keep him from winning. It’s really close to her heart.

GG 5.18.09: "I thought we were matching our headbands under our caps."

Sorry this is so late. 7am flight back to the city yesterday morning, blah blah, excuse excuse, I was tired. This week’s season finale disappointed in drama until the last 3 minutes, but it made up for it in sentimentality, so I’m ok with it. I’m a sucker for the “this chapter in our lives is ending” episode every time.


Wow, the origins of Gossip Girl. It’s just like the Da Vinci Code. Serena was GG’s first blast in the 9th grade involving a white dress, some rain and an aircraft carrier. I wonder how they cleaned up the mess in the 9th grade boys room after that went out.


Eric saw her mugshot in Pravda? The paper or the bar?

“I love Blair” moment #1 of the week: Posing for the paparazzi that are outside for Serena.

Nate hadn’t already invited Dan to his party? But they’re boyfriends…

I should have gone to Constance just for the graduation attire. Belted graduation robes…why has no one done this before?

“Ladies, I thought we were matching our headbands under our caps. And take off that hideous scarf, Penelope, you can see it from space.”

I know there has to be a new queen, but I have some problems with this decision-making process.
1. Are we to believe that Penelope and Isabel would even give Jenny the chance to be queen?
2. Who is this new girl? I feel like I’m watching Caitlin the first time she was on the OC. That’s not a good thing, new girl.
3. They want the new queen to be a transfer? That shouldn’t be allowed, why’d she transfer anyway?
4. The competition is the juiciest Constance gossip—this girl doesn’t know anyone, how do they expect her to win? And if they don’t listen to Blair anymore (cut to Penelope’s terrified expression as she lowers her voice so Blair can’t hear her say that) then why don’t they just crown the new girl and get it over with?
5. This is all BS. Eric should be queen.

Aw, they left Dan out of the program. Congratulations, Don.


They don’t have to sit alphabetically? And uuuuuh…why is Serena not wearing her cap? That’s not fair. Listen, a lot of us didn’t look cute in that stupid cap, but you have to wear it. If there was a way to get out of it, I would have figured it out in 1998. I wonder if “tassel in the hair instead of cap” was written in, or if Blake Lively threw a fit 5 minutes before this was shot. I think we know the answer to that.


Ok, good. Gossip Girl graduation blast:
Nate—class whore
Dan—the ultimate insider
Chuck—coward
Blair—weakling
Serena—irrelevant

“Gossip Girl is going down.” No one calls Serena irrelevant and gets away with it.

“Besides, she didn’t say anything about us. Not even Penelope.”
“Oh, soup dumplings!”

“you tried to give me money behind my back when I said no.” (he’s leaving out that 40 page list of dudes she banged, but good for him for taking the high road.)
“we both made mistakes…” hahaha, Lily.

Grandfather takes the statutory rape/prostitution thing pretty well. He’s so understanding.
“last summer, I had an affair with an older woman.”
“welcome to Washington.”
“she was married.”
“mmm…go on.”
“and she paid me.”
“well I’ll protect you, let’s hope it doesn’t come up.”


Serena’s really not giving up on this. Dan’s not your best bet to take Gossip Girl down, S.
“The insider, what is that?”
Pretty good, but not the best Dan delivery of the night: “uuhh…it’s a tabloid tv show!”
“we have to band together and take her down!”
Hahaha, Vanessa just rolls her eyes and walks away.

Dan, don’t think we don’t know that you’re pulling away b/c it’s too hard to say goodbye. Serena might not get it, but we do.
And “what’s keeping us together?”??? LOVE, that’s what.

How are they just now figuring out that Gossip Girl is probably in their class? GG blasts started when they were in 9th grade, they’re all about Constance and St. Jude…
“I refuse to believe that the students at our school are any worse than those at Horace Mann or Spence.”
“So if she’s a senior then she’s in the room right now…”
You got into Brown?

Jonathan?! No way.
Ah, yes, no way.
“I hacked into her server over spring break.”
And he and Eric kept this a secret from everyone since then? Even from Jenny?

Well look at that timing. Rufus was calling Lily and she was already there. It’s like they’re supposed to be together. He should just propose. After they get drunk and high.

Oh, Waldorf mother-daughter moment. Heartwarming.

Hahaha, drunk Nelly Yuki dancing. She loves Dan! That’s adorable.

Gossip Girl knows about New Years. It’s all out. Blair slept with Jack. Which we pretty much already knew. And we already knew everything else. BO-ring.

“Like you didn’t do that with the dregs of DUMBO.”
“I’m standing right here.”

Dan IS the ultimate insider. Point Gossip Girl.

“Maybe it was, but it’s not anymore.” Wow, I almost believe him.

Lily Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey. It’s got a nice ring to it.

Everyone’s coming down on Serena and Nate’s the voice of reason? Because he was poor for 3 weeks last year. Perspective.

“I love Blair” moment #2: this explanation of the why you have to be cold to be queen. Queen of Constance=Queen of England. Jenny, it’s your time.


He loopt her? I don’t mean to be a stickler for details, and I don’t have Loopt on my phone, but I learned last week that you have to ping back for people to know where you are. Right?

This is the best cleavage we’ve gotten in a while.

Dan’s right, he’d be nothing without her. Can’t Buy Me Love, with better clothes.

BEST Dan Delivery of the night, when Blair walks in…
“Oh that makes sense.”

“they’re a team?”
Nate. Catch. On. Faster.

Oh GOOD, Rufus got a different ring. That other ring will make some tarot card reading gypsy woman very happy.

Eric’s dreamed about a waffle iron.

“I chased a guy for years who wasn’t that into me, I’m going to a glorified state school, my mother married an entertainment lawyer, so I need to stop moving and contemplate the failure of my life.”

The deputy mayor made a pass at Nate, so now he’s going to go to Europe with Vanessa. That was wrapped up quickly.

Scott!
Did that work? I tried to sound interested. I faked it. This story line annoys me.
“Maybe I’ll see you around.” Oh, the foreshadowing. Yes, we get it.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. I was all for Jenny being queen, but I think she should have let us know what she was going to do with her power before we made up our minds…
Her first order of business is no more headbands?!?!
I’d like to change my vote.


There’s Georgina, finally. So everyone will be at NYU now except for Serena? Are they really going to film in NYU dorms and everything? I kind of hope so, because cry baby hipster NYU kids will haaaaaate that.

Carter’s back from Dubai? He found her dad?!

Chuck and Blair, together finally. It’s everything I thought it could be.

I just threw up

If I ever become this desperate, someone shoot me. Or give me this book, tell me that I’m just like this, and then I’ll shoot myself. So Janice Lieberman is the consumer reporter on the Today show, and now that she's married, apparently a relationship expert, so she wrote a book to help women “shop for a husband.” The excerpt online is so packed full of cutesy shopping analogies (“how to get a great buy on a guy — and to get you to that checkout counter, pronto”), that I almost had to stop reading, but good thing I didn’t because the rest of it is pretty funny. I don’t think that was on purpose.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30727287/

Here we go, Janice is going to help us find a husband. I mean, she really knows how we feel. Like when she talks about dating in America compared to arranged marriages in other countries:
Are you thinking, Lucky them?
We hear you. The state of dating in America today is enough to make a girl wish the fine art of marriage arrangement weren’t a dying practice.

Yeah, totally. Wait…WTF DID SHE JUST SAY? I’m not married, and I’ve been on some bad dates (when I was 26, a guy-whose outfit was purchased entirely from Express Men, I’m almost positive-asked me when I was planning on having kids, because my I didn’t have much time left) but I don’t think I’ve ever thought, “Man, that was a bad date. I wish my parents would just make me spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t know.”

Unfortunately for whoever the hell she's talking about, we don't arrange marriages here in civilization. Don't worry, though, it's just like buying a blender.
I decided to approach dating in a smart, systematic way, as if I were making the purchase of a lifetime. Slowly but surely, and almost before I even realized it, I began to apply the rules I had learned as a consumer reporter — caveat emptor, don’t get scammed, learn where to shop, and know how to close a favorable deal — to shopping for a husband.

Ok, so I have to know what to look for, where to find it, and how to make him buy you a diamond before he changes his mind. Got it. #1. Know what makes perfectly good husband material or “PGHM.” (Who else hates unnecessary acronyms that are supposed to be cute and funny?) Hmmmm…it seems really tricky to figure out what would make someone a good person to marry. Lots of money, definitely, right? And…I think he should like movies. And music. And animals. This is confusing, I need Janice…
We’ve done the legwork for you, ladies, and we’ve uncovered exactly what it takes to be PGHM.

Phew! Oooh, the suspense. You have to buy the book to find out, but I’m guessing loyalty and honesty make an appearance. Cool car and killer abs probably don’t.

As it turns out, shopping for the typical consumer goods — a car, a bed, or a diamond ring — is really not that different from shopping for a guy.

You just haaaaad to throw “diamond ring” in there, didn’t you? Salt in the wound, Janice. And I think that if a guy wrote a book about “shopping” for a girl the way he shops for a car, Gloria Steinem would take a hit out on him.

You’ll be glad to know that I’m pretty sure I've cracked this code, so you don’t have to rush out and buy the book. What I’ve learned from this 2 page excerpt, is that with Janice's help (or your brain), you will learn how to make a list of things you want in a guy, how to recognize what makes a guy "PGHM" and, from what I gather, how to make yourself marry someone you don’t really like all that much, because he’s nice and you’re not getting any younger. And then you get married. It's like a fairy tale!

GG 5.11.09: "That's for suburban schools, and the lame teen comedies that are set at them."

So this week we get some insight into Lily's past, and sadly not the 80s Lily Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass background spinoff. It's a shame, the cheesy 80s references would have totally been worth it. Not to mention, Lily was kind of a badass.

Whoa, Serena. 4 hours in jail has hardened her.
"I'd rather give my kids up for adoption than be like you..."
Happy Mother's Day, Lil.
oh YES, she called Cece to bail her out.

Andrew McCarthy AND Huey Lewis "I Want a New Drug" playing in the background. Ah, i miss the 80s. I had that tape. Huey Lewis and the News, Sports. Me and Patrick Bateman.


The young Cece sounds EXACTLY like Lily. it's blowing my mind.

So, her dad doesn't want her and then she ends up married 4 times to guys just like him? Interesting.
I should be a shrink. I did really well in psychology in college. I got a 100 on a test once, with no extra credit or anything.

Serena decided to stay in jail on prom night? RIGHT.
"You're not going to come out of there with a mullet and a girlfriend, are you?"

"in that scrapbook you kept under your bed..."
"Please, I don't remember that, I was a child then."
"the fact that you're on an actual pay phone has me beyond nauseous." JAIL pay phone…she's right, that's gross.

Dorota, we've missed you!
"This body bag, corpse not pretty..."
"just like my scrapbook I don't remember keeping and haven't looked at since i was an early adolescent!"

Chuuuuuck, are you sabotaging Blair's dream prom?

"you are toxic...so much so it seems that try as i might, i can't help but turning into you."
She knows she's turning into Cece, but she can't stop? just...don't be a bitch. seems easy enough.

ha, SPAZ. when was the last time i said spaz?
"are BJs a must? b/c if they are, i'm so not doing that."

OH 80s fashion montage. OOOOOOOOOF course. Could they have given her a Redbull before this? Would it kill her to do something more than tilt her head?

"sure, yeah, cool place to catch hepatitis."
I’m sort of disappointed in Brittany Snow trying to be snobby. All I see is the girl from American Dreams.


"we don't do prom queen, that's for suburban schools and the lame teen comedies that are set at them."
"a tiara?"
changes everything.

Like anyone would believe Nelly would win prom queen.

aw, Dan bailed her out to go to prom. I haven't given up on those two yet. Even if they do share a half-sibling.

HA, she invested in the fanny pack?

"being us is awesome."
"people treat us differently."
"yeah, BETTER."
THERE's Lily.

Rufus is so wise. and strong! wow, rufus, way to stand your ground.

hahahha...all the coke and pastel shirts at this party. this IS the 80s! or Chelsea on a Saturday night.

Lily ends up marrying the jerk who screwed over her sister??

This fight at the party is so The OC season 1. Ryan! I mean, Owen!


"This is my moment. I own prom."

Chuck! "you didnt think you were the only one who knew about the scrapbook, did you?"


I CAN'T get over how much this chick sounds like Lily. It's freaking me out.

"...or god forbid, actually sets foot in a public school." Most public schools don't even have heroin. It's really sad.

"I'd rather have 20 Dan Humphreys from Brooklyn than that boy you loved from the Valley..."
"you took care of that, didn't you."
What'd she do??


Oooooooh, they're gonna break up. Finally, it's been like 3 episodes. And I could do without "just hold me until this song's over. let's not waste these last moments talking about it." That's too cheesy, even for me. I have a heart of stone.

Thanks for being cool

I meant to do this yesterday, but it never happened. Pretend it’s Sunday.

I think being a mom is probably not a walk in the park, so I’d like to say thank you. Thank you, Mom, for sticking up for me when I wrecked Dad’s car on Superbowl Sunday 1995. That was way cool.

And also for all that other loving, caring, supportive, unconditional stuff, too. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Don’t cry. MOM! Don’t cry!

By the way, i ate like 11 Oreos in the park yesterday. I wonder where that affinity came from...

Oh, great

I usually walk to work, but today tardiness rendered that impossible, so I made a date with the L train and…UGH, this is why I don’t take the train. I ended up running into a friend of a friend, who I have zero desire to talk to at any time, and even less of a desire at 9am before coffee. I try to get past the ridiculous Southern accent that after 3 minutes is so grating (and might I add put-on…she’s lived in New York for 13 years. Chinese immigrants drop their accents faster) that’s it’s like a razor being dragged along your inner ear, because she’s always been friendly to me. And then I’m forced to be around her, and I’m reminded that I’d rather be stuck on the L train with the entire cast of The Hills than this girl. She makes fun of every person in sight (literally)—usually about their clothes, which is ironic because I’ve never seen her in anything that could have possibly been purchased after 1994.

I haven’t wanted to give someone a makeover so badly since I worked at US Foodservice and the 50 year old Merchandising VP dressed like 16 year old going to a rave. A leathery, saggy, bleach blond 16 year old. At a sales meeting once she bent down in her skintight mini skirt and Lindsay Lohan’ed the entire package to our entire sales team. We had a collective suspicion that it wasn’t an accident, but that’s another story. She once told me I needed to dress more professionally because the shirt that I was wearing with my pencil skirt and heels was sleeveless. In the summer. In Texas. In an unairconditioned food distribution warehouse. Was she hot in her leather mini and cleavage-enhancing ribbed sweater? Sure, but at least she looked “professional.” She was very concerned with “professionalism.” For example, she would frequently work out and tan during the work day and upon return, ask her 28 year old employee (and my boyfriend at the time, incidentally) to “feel her abs.” If Bravo did a Real Housewives of Austin, she would sell her children to be a cast member. Not that I think Bravo’s in the business of buying kids, but I bet they took a hit when Project Runway went to Lifetime, and reality shows about kids are pretty big on TLC. Hmmm…

Anyway, I made it to 8th Avenue without punching her, so her day is looking up.

This isn't going to be fun

Holy crap, I have to move.  I’m looking forward to a new apartment—change of scenery, forced spring cleaning, all that. And I’m looking forward to leaving the old apartment. All of the things I dislike about it are relentlessly conspicuous as we near the end of our 5 years together. But in New York, the positives NEVER outweigh the negatives of moving.

Never.

Ever.

It’s a horribly unpleasant experience from beginning to end.

Thing that makes me want to cry #1: Searching through endless online listings, none of which are the bit accurate.

The moving process begins with countless hours spent looking up listings, until inevitably your brain shuts down entirely, and out of sheer exhaustion, you end up letting yourself believe that there really could be a 1 bedroom in the West Village for $1200.

Thing that makes me want to cry #2: This guy:


New York City real estate brokers are soulless criminals and someday, if there’s any justice or goodness or light in this cruel world, they will pay.

"I found you the perfect apartment.  It's $1200, and available precisely when you need it."
Well that's lucky!  Who said this was so hard?  I mean, sure, I have to take an hour out of my work day to go across town to wait another 20 minutes for a disgusting, sweaty, morally-bankrupt excuse for a human being, but THIS time, it's going to pay off. This time it'll be worth it. 
And it is! Look at this place!  I love it!  I can’t believe it’s only…wait, it's how much? The posting said $1200. And you told me $1200.  15 goddamn minutes ago.  Oh, that one was just rented.  In the last 15 minutes.  But this one's just like that one!  Just a $1,000 more.

Alright, that's it.  Next time I’m putting my foot down.

How much is it REALLY, because this is my MAX and I don’t want to look at it if it’s a penny more! It’s definitely in my price range?  Ok.  2 bedroom, lots of light. Sounds perfect!  With no choice but to believe in the good of humanity, I will again take an hour out of my work day.  I will again go across town.  I will again wait, and I will again be met with a disgusting, sweaty, cheap-suit-wearing, morally-bankrupt shell of a human being.   Well, at least I have made myself QUITE clear and there is NO WAY he can bait and switch me again.  AND…!!
This is a studio. You said 2 bedroom. The listing said 2 bedroom.  And, I specifically said "no studios" and you said, "No no, 2 bedroom.”  Oh you meant "2 rooms.  Bedroom/living room/kitchen, and bathroom. 2 rooms."  I hope you die. 

Thing that makes me want to cry #3: Getting that damn couch through the door and down 5 flights of stairs. It’s alarmingly close to physically impossible.

Thing that makes me want to cry most of all:


Forget the hassle, the cost alone is enough to find yourself thinking, “a hundred and what street? Well that’s not too bad. 9 homicides a month you say? But out of how many people? Yeah, see, it doesn’t sound so bad when you think about it that way, right? Plus it’s right by the subway and I'm a pretty fast runner...” Between the broker’s fee, 1st and last month’s rent, the deposit, truck rental, and movers, that TV commercial about selling your gold jewelry starts to sound less and less ridiculous.


That’s where I am right now.

Selling eggs is pretty lucrative, right?

Knock it off

Listen, I know a LOT of people do it, but if I’m being totally honest, I can’t handle it. So, I’d like to go on record, in writing, as saying that this new word-shortening phenomenon, is far from acceptable. I don’t know how or where it started, but it’s an epidemic. A plague. In case you’re confused—I’m talking about speech used by 7th graders, Disney tween characters, and now apparently everyone who speaks English:

Totally=totes
Obviously=obvi
Naturally=natch
Perfect=perf
Precious=presh

You get it. It’s recently reached a new level, in which shortened words are being used in conjunction, to make one super-idiotic combo. “Totes perf,” for example. If anyone figures out a way to put a stop to this, I’ll help. Let me know what you need me to do.

This gets better and better

I like it when people act super churchy and judgmental, and then things like this come out. Especially when they talk a lot about family values and “talking to young people about never compromising anything, for anyone or anything.” Never compromise anything. Unless a photographer says you’ll get more money for posing nude. Wait, the Bible doesn't like that either? It won't let me do ANYTHING!



Apparently there are other photos that are way worse. Even if they come out, I'm not posting them, so don't get excited.

GG 5.4.09: "Pregnancy ruse...cliche but effective."

HUGE lack of Eric for the 1000th time, but Georgina's Bible quotes and the Chuck and Blair drama didn't disappoint.

Chuck and Blair were suspicious of Gabriel from the beginning, because they're the only ones who aren't idiots. Also, because:
"Well his suits never did fit right"
That's what I think every time I see a real estate broker in New York.

"I didn't even know you were out"
I think Lily's up for Mother of the Year. No?

Aw, Rufus is nauseatingly happy. Gross.
"Zippedy-do-da on the F? I'm pretty sure whatever that lady said meant 'stoooooop!' in her own language."
See, if everyone just spoke English, Rufus could have stopped annoying people way earlier.

"Don't tell me that hick gave you scabies."
Sick. Just the word "scabies" is sick. ew, i have the heebie jeebies.





"I keep trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't."
I wish I could say that girls aren't this stupid. I wish I could.


"Feelings never do...they get you all confused and then drive you around for hours until they drop you right back to where you started."
I wonder what she means by that...that's tricky. Nate might never figure it out.




"Where's Blair?"
"I agreed to give you a ride, that's it. Meals are not included."
Eh, they tried.

"I just want to apologize. One of the most sacred acts is the ritual of forgiveness."
Georgina's Jesus act is getting better, it's almost remotely believable. "Believable" meaning "not believable."
"why is it when you say 'ritual' i think human sacrifice?"

"Pregnancy ruse...cliche but effective."
I could tell a story about this, but I'm afraid the girl it's about could possibly read this. and i'm not in the business in hurting people's feelings. If I knew for sure that she wouldn't know about it, then I'd totally tell everyone. and use her name. but she wouldn't know, so no hurt feelings. See? I'm really sensitive.

Dan's Tiny Tim coat looks even more sad next to everyone else. Poor Dan. Poor, poor Dan. As in, he's poor.

HAHAHA...Georgina's entrance to Blair's "we need an act of God" and this music. I just got so excited.

"Ok, we need to get this crazy girl out of here..."
Some writer is on my good side now.

Gabriel's actually meeting her? Why is he still in town? And why do they keep using Poppy's last name? We know which Poppy.



Lily needs her roots done. WHAT IS UP WITH THE HAIR GUY??? or girl. sorry, WOMAN. it could be a woman. I just doubt it.

Serena's ringtone is the same tone as the alarm on my phone. I hear it 6am every damn morning. i hate you, ringtone.

"We know the rest, it's called a Ponzi scheme."
Do you think Chuck doesn't know what a Ponzi scheme is, Gabriel?

Oh, he really loves her, that's why he's still in town. I know, Gabriel, I love her, too.

"God will help me find a way to earn your forgiveness."
"Oh looks like He answers my prayers faster than yours!"

I like how Serena's not afraid of getting in trouble with Lily, she's annoyed at Dan for ratting her out.
"I'm sorry mom, i was gonna tell you and then..." you have me 20 carats to wear on my wrist.

ERIC!
"Your mother is nothing like her mother." Umm...
"Klaus with a K did it with blimp, C Claus did on top of pyramid, although she didn't say yes to that, but uh, you have the bar set pretty high."
Eric's usually so in tune with the common people...not at the moment.

Ok, i really hate to just list quotes from the show with no reason for commentary, so I'm trying to cut down the Jesus quotes, but it's really hard.

"I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel."
"THAT is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice."
I know I said this in a blog post a few days ago, but I think it's funny that Carrie Underwood sings about Jesus and small town values, and then also about getting blackout drunk and marrying a stranger, and also misdemeanor vandalism on her cheating boyfriend's truck. It's all very inspiring.

"But...Jesus drove you here."
"Actually i believe his name was Jesus."
"Not in the cab, in your country western way of life."

"If you cut revenge out of the Bible, there's not enough pages to even make a pamphlet."
"And they shall know i am the Lord when I lay my vengeance on them."
"How'd you know my favorite passage?"

Lily Bass would NEVER let Poppy in her house. I don't buy it.

AH, Georgina. she's too good at being bad to be good. did that make sense?

Hahahah...Chuck's a nose for the scent of a woman. HU-A. "I sense aspiration, yearning, striving to be accepted. but then there's this appealing counter note of sincerity and optimism...it's perfection."



That ringtone again! AH! what time is it?? I don't wanna go to the gym!

Lily's favorite flower? The lily. obviously.
"this shows that you really know her...and love her." cause he knows what food and wine she likes? the guy at the bodega knows what food and wine i like, but I'm almost positive he's not in love with me. and he'd better not propose.

GAH DAN, you're such a tattle tale.

"Are you a Carrie? I'm a Charlotte." Perfect annoying-girl-who-just-moved-to-New-York.

WOW, this Chuck and Blair exchange is seriously emotional. you can tell by the soap opera-style extreme closeups.

"They can download Kirk Cameron movies!" hahaha, Kirk Cameron burn. He's crazy.

The police are there? I thought the whole thing was to not call the police.

Serena's getting arrested? You mean the well thought out plan didn't work?


"Pretending to find Jesus to take us all down, it borders on brilliant."
"Your stupid clothes and your bible quotes don't fool anyone. I will never forgive you...and neither will Jesus."

Haaaa, Lily threw her in jail. So, they couldn't turn Poppy in so that Serena's name would be kept out of scandal, but it makes more sense to have her arrested outside the Russian Tea Room in the middle of the day?

"...and embarrassing me!"
"you just sounded exactly like your mother." Rufus, I'd be careful. Right now you have no money. Wow, he did it. Humphrey OUT!

"Tell Jesus that the bitch is back."



Other things happened back at the police station, but I really want to end on that.

She did it again!

So, that lady (her name is Selena Roberts, I don’t know why I’m acting like I don’t know) who broke the A-Rod steroids story is finally done with her book, and apparently it says that A-Rod is “obsessed with becoming a superstar.” The book also makes the ground-breaking claims that the sky is blue and that The Hills is scripted. What I'm getting at is…duh.

That buys you quite a bunch of Big Mac

Ok, I know it’s criminally cheesy, and Ann’s whisper-voice when she’s trying to get someone to cry is more than enough to change the channel, but I love the damn Today show. It’s where I get the majority of my news and my fluff. I’m sorry, “human interest.” I promise that I won't post something from the Today show every single day (or maybe I should, it could be a regular feature—“Today on Today.” Hmmm, I’ll think about it.) but I dare you to watch this and not tear up. I don’t want to give anything away, but this old man is living in a garage in Germany and has no idea that his dead friend from Pennsylvania (America comes to the rescue!) left him 500 g’s. Oops.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

How can you not want this dude to get half a million dollars? Pennsylvania could have kept that money and someone would have given him 500 grand after this interview, just for being so cute.