Monday, August 31, 2009

Congratulations, Jonathan


I like to live through the achievements of others. It makes me feel accomplished to be in the presence of success, without all the effort and talent. So, here’s to me! Because Jonathan WON A FREAKING EMMY.

I won $2 on a scratch off lottery ticket once. Hey, that’s two more tickets!


OUTSTANDING GAME/AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SHOW
CASH CAB
DISCOVERY CHANNEL

ALLISON CORN, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
TOM COHEN, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
ANTONY TACKABERRY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
MARY DONAHUE, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
STAN HSUE, SUPERVISING PRODUCER
NICK O'GORMAN, SUPERVISING PRODUCER
JESSE GREEN, PRODUCER
RUTH JOHNSTON, LINE PRODUCER
REBECCA BREGMAN, LINE PRODUCER
SARAH KANTER, PRODUCER
ANDREW MCINTYRE, PRODUCER
JONATHAN GROCE, PRODUCER
TALIA PARKINSON, PRODUCER
BRIAN DEAN, PRODUCER
ADAM MARKOWITZ, PRODUCER
CHRIS SGUEGLIA, DIRECTOR
ANDREW TAVANI, WRITER
MICHAEL WELT, WRITER
GREG VOLK, WRITER
BRIAN GREENE, WRITER
BRENDA SCHAIT, WRITER
JOSIAH MADIGAN, WRITER


I know it seems like there’s no way that anyone who could win an Emmy would ever hang out with me, but I can be very charming when I want to be, so shut up.

Congratulations, Jonathan. This is pretty damn exciting. Now when you practice your Emmy speech in the mirror, you can use AN EMMY instead of a shampoo bottle. Not many people can say that. I use my body wash bottle, because it’s sort of gold-colored and then it’s more realistic. The shampoo I use comes in a purple bottle. It wouldn’t make any sense. “This is so unexpected, I don’t even have a speech prepared!” (which will obviously not be true, so if you’d like to be in my acceptance speech, I’d start sending gifts now.)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

WTF (not watch this fall)


Here's the gist, if you don't want to listen to Ann talk to this girl like she's 8 years old: a "serial robber" came into an office in midtown and stole a purse, but left his DNA on a cup of water. They caught him, because this girl saved the cup. Good for her, but that's not the point. They can track this guy down with DNA for stealing a damn iPod, and they can't find the piece of shit who attacked me last year in the system anywhere? B.S. It's been over a year, is it officially a cold case now? Maybe that blond girl can find him. Look how determined and serious she is, looking at that evidence in the dark. I'm calling her. Do you hear me, NYPD? I'm calling that blond girl.

Serena, Nate, and an annoying PA who told me to turn off my flash


I left work last night around 8 and as I stepped out onto 9th Avenue, my life took a precious and unforgettable turn that no one could have predicted. Ok, Arturo had just come over to my desk to tell me about it, but whatever. There on 9th and 15th, in what used to be Chelsea Flowers in my building, was my beloved Gossip Girl, cast and crew. This picture (of Blake Lively--just trust me on this one) blows, I know, you don't have to tell me, but they yell at you if you use a flash, and I wasn’t going to stand around for a half hour trying to get a good shot, because I’m not 16 and that’s embarrassing and I have better things to do with my time than watch some TV show about teenagers shoot a scene. Yeah, right--I had to leave to go to a birthday party, or I would have stood there all night. I don’t care.

Here’s what I found out: in some episode this season, Serena and Nate will walk down 9th Avenue. You heard it here first. Oh, and Nate’s long lost cousin, Tripp Vanderbilt is apparently running for Congress. I used my critical thinking skills to figure that out, based on the signs in the door that read, “VAN DER BILT FOR CONGRESS Campaign.” I know, my mind is my weapon. I was going to go to MIT, but then I was like, "Boston accents are kind of annoying."

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What Eric and Jonathan have been dreaming of (other than waffle irons)


I think I’ve made my feelings about Perez Hilton pretty clear, so it goes without saying that I don’t read his depressingly unfunny and horribly written site, but dammit, he’s got Gossip Girl news and I love those little monsters enough to subject my brain to his 10,000 exclamation marks and the words “perezcious” and “seksi.” Looking back, it might not have been worth it.

I don’t know anything about anything, but people have been saying that Chuck’s going to kiss a guy. Or a guy’s going to kiss Chuck. Or something. Anyway, according to the Queen of all People-I’d-like-to-see-eaten-by-a-bear, this confirms it once and for all.

EXCLUSIVE: Gossip Girl Gay Kissed Confirmed!!!
Thanks to one excellent Perezcious reader, we now have solid confirmation that Ed Westwick's character, Chuck Bass, will most definitely have a gay kiss this season!!!
And it's being filmed as we type!
Our wonderful informant happened upon the Gossip Girl set on Wednesday, where some careless fool left a call sheet out for everyone to see…and our reader to take a picture of!
As you can clearly see, on the second line of the call sheet, it reads:
INT. BAR- MAIN ROOM (scripted Back Room)
Blair bursts in just as Ellis kisses Chuck
Hell yes!
Mark your calenders for episode six of this season. Things are getting super seksi on the Upper West Side!



And if you clicked on that link, check out comment #10 and give a special thanks to commenter LaurenGuy101, who I'd like to hug:

LaurenGuy101 says
it's East Side you douche and you spelt calendars wrong

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The internet is amazing


I don’t Twitter. I do have a Twitter account (my mom has a Facebook page, I have to do something to stay at least one step ahead of the tech savvy AARP) but I don’t get Twitter updates to my phone, and I don’t think I’ve ever tweeted. I’m not talking shit about Twitter or anything, I have a blog for God’s sake, I just don’t do it. Maybe I don’t get it. Anyway, people sent this to me yesterday, which is the only way I know about it. This guy has 18 tweets (I’m wishing someone at Twitter had come up with a different word for posting than “tweet”) and when I went to his page 10 minutes ago, he had 58,117 followers. Now 58,287…refresh…58,317…refresh…58,370…refresh…58,393. I’m not making this up.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Monday, August 24, 2009

The one thing he missed



The guy who killed that “model" the other day has killed himself in…oh the irony…a town called Hope in British Columbia. This is really sad and pretty gross (he chopped off her fingers and pulled her teeth so they couldn’t identify her. I wonder if he used the floss tied to the doorknob trick), and I’m not in the business of making fun of dead people, but…

She was eventually identified by the serial numbers on her breast implants, cops said.

Those two could not have been trashier, but I don’t care who you are, that’s not what you want the last thing written about you to be. That or, “she was on her way to a Dane Cook show...”

I think I want a bagel


I eat yogurt every morning. It's healthy or whatever, and I like it, so I'm not going to stop, but do they have to insist on putting “with live and active cultures” on the label? Is that supposed to be a good thing? I think it’s supposed to be a good thing. Well you know what? It sounds gross.

The words "live and active cultures" refer to the living organisms, Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus, which convert pasteurized milk to yogurt during fermentation.

Ew.



Important yogurt UPDATE, courtesy of KD:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Less boring ways to die

There’s a headline on the Today show website right now that seems sensationalized, but maybe they know something I don't:

Can your flip-flops kill you?

Uhhh...no? Flip flops? No, right?
Like, set-off-a-chain-of-events-Final-Destination-style kill you?
Oh, germs? Shut up.

On a related note: THE Final Destination comes out IN 3D on some Friday in the relatively near future (I don’t have the time to look things up, I’m way too busy spending time writing about how I don’t have the time to look things up) and holy crap, it promises to be just as ridiculous as we all hope it to be. I had forgotten all about the Final Destination movies until a few months ago when Tony ordered the second one on Netflix and we all watched it right before we went to the carnival in Brooklyn, which could be the most horrifying thing to do after watching Final Destination 2. Obviously, Skinner and I almost died on the twirly ferris wheel.

I’m not kidding, that thing was terrifying. The cars flipped over upside-down and something on our car was held on with a zip tie. Had this scene taken place in that movie, my huge scarf dangerously dangling outside the car waiting to get tangled on the rusty 30-year-old screws that held that death trap together, would have definitely been my cause of death.

There are a lot of ways to die, and let me tell you, if you’ve ever cheated Death, you might not want to go tanning or make spaghetti.



Monday, August 17, 2009

They're everywhere



I think this is the exact Affliction shirt that the guy was wearing who hit on us on Saturday night in downtown Orlando. Try and guess if we were interested.

He also ate the leftover fries off Chelsea’s plate, asked 11 times if we were going to some place called The Dragon Room, and talked a lot about carbs. And that t-shirt was still the most nauseatingly repulsive thing about him.

I don't read Maxim (obviously) but I don't want to try to explain this BS (not that anyone needs it explained, but I once had someone ask me "what is this American Apparel?" so you can never be too sure) and they already did it:

Affliction, the mook fashion behemoth that sponsors top MMA fighters, has lived up to its name by spreading the disease of what can only be described as "monster t-shirts." If you don't own a tee like this, you've undoubtedly seen an ass-clown wearing one: emblazoned with a huge dragon, eagle, serpent, or other mythical beast, it's the douchebag shirt du jour, inspired by tattoo-art gear Von Dutch popularized a few years ago. The truth is, the only things these shirts scare away are girls who might actually have sex with you.



I can’t pretend to understand anyone who wears Ed Hardy or Affliction and wants to look like this on purpose



But if something is too douchey for the the douchebags at Maxim, you should change clothes. And please don’t talk to me, I don’t even like Red Bull.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Did he say no headbands?

I usually hate teenagers because they're loud and obnoxious and annoy me in movie theaters, but TV is magic and makes them loveable by making them absurdly more dramatic and prettier. The kids (and the commentary) won't be back until September 14th, but here are the season 3 teasers. Try not to think about Tyra Banks.

WTF is not WTF, it’s “Watch This Fall.” Obvi. (I can't even say it jokingly without wanting to stab myself.)



Blair’s facial expression at the end of that reminds me how much I miss her.


DAN


SERENA


BLAIR


NATE


The girl from Privileged? Did that show get cancelled? Do I watch too much CW?

NO HEADBANDS

Phase One


Thanks to Dan’s generosity and awesome housewarming gift-giving spirit (fueled by his desire to grill meat outside because deep down he knew I’d never buy one myself), we have a grill. And thanks to a very nice girl on Craig’s List (and me looking like an idiot trying to find a cab while carrying an enormous table on the corner of Essex and Canal), the back “yard” also now has a table that I’m almost positive is not supposed to go outside. It’s just some crap Ikea table top that’s wood covered with that plastic stuff. Whatever, I’m not a carpenter, what do I know? Trees are wood, they’re outside all the time. Anyway, burgers!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Sad just got sadder


It was already pretty sad that John Hughes died, what with all the talent and everything, but the sad level’s about to go to eleven, because turns out, he was also like the nicest guy on the planet. I don’t know who this girl is, but she has 1218 comments on her blog post. I think the most I've ever had is like 19. Thanks for nothin, guys.

Sincerely, John Hughes

I'm not gonna sap this up with all this "generation defining" talk, but the dude could make a movie. Vacation is still one of the funniest movies ever written (don’t ever watch it with me) and if Uncle Buck doesn’t warm your cold stone heart, then get away from me because you’re dead inside and zombies scare me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

“Women Stick Together” or “Sticky Situation” or another glue pun


This story is awesome for like 800 different reasons, one of which is the subtle yet revealing facial expressions in their mugshots, but most importantly, the fact that Wisconsin actually issues cartoon-style black and white striped inmate uniforms. I like it, it’s like a sorority theme party. Prisoners are usually all mopey about being locked up and wasting year after year of their lives, but if they’re dressed like the Hamburglar, it just makes it more fun.


I have no doubt that all these ladies are in high demand in their respective towns of Kaukauna, Menasha and Fond du Lac, so this guy must be good because he got all 3 of them (one of the ladies is just somebody’s sister who came along for moral support, I assume) to sleep with him and give him money. Anyway, they all found out about each other and long story short, they tied him up and super glued his penis to his leg.

He went and whined to the cops, so now they could get up to 6 years in jail. That seems excessive to me, but I don’t have a penis. Guys are really weird about them.


Monday, August 3, 2009

The cat's the smartest one in this whole story

I’m sure this kind of thing happens all the time, but usually the cops turn the dashboard camera off before they record themselves outlining their plan to break the law. Luckily for Alexandra Something-hyphen-Something, this time they didn’t. The video is long and boring, mostly because this girl can’t figure out how to put a sentence together, but that’s also why it’s funny. Maybe she’s still drunk.

Here’s the gist: She got tanked and thought the best thing to do would be to go for a drive with a cat on her lap, because drunk driving is more exciting if you have a live animal to further distract you from not mowing people down like in Grand Theft Auto. I guess the cat decided it had a better chance at survival if it jumped out of a moving car than it did if it stayed inside with this drunk bitch behind the wheel, so she pulled over and stumbled to the side of the road to find the cat and drag it back into her death machine. While she was “looking for the cat” (throwing up jello shots), a police car rear-ended her car that was stopped in the left lane of traffic, just in time to keep her off the road before she killed an entire family or a bus full of orphans. PHEW. Unfortunately, Officer Dewey (like David Arquette’s character in Scream?) “masterminded” (ha, irony) a perfectly-thought-out plan to blame the accident on her and forgot to turn the camera off. So now the cops are suspended, the dumb bitch is totally free to do 9 car bombs before she drives her cat around, and I’m annoyed.



If you do watch it, note that she can't even keep a straight face and around 5:10 in the video, her lawyer has to reach over and stop her from violently shaking her leg like a 4-year-old who's lying to her parents.



BTW, I’m not talking about all cops. I love cops. I think the ones who do it for the right reasons are the best people in the world. I like to be really dramatic and assume that most cops here are on the take, but in reality, my only actual interaction with the NYPD was very positive (as far as the cops were concerned). Not to mention, NYPD cops always have great cop names like Spinelli or O’Malley, and really thick New York accents. It's just like TV.