Newport Mouse

That mouse thing the other day made me think of this.  I should have posted this with that, but I didn’t.  I’d like to see you remember everything all the time.

A couple of years ago, we rented a house in Newport, RI and found a dead mouse half sticking out of a bag of chips that had been left in the cabinet from the last guests.  The lady who owned the place was really embarrassed when we told her, as you can imagine.  We did a little investigative work to determine the cause of death ("too many chips") and then wrapped the little guy up to send him on a journey to his final resting place.
Anyway the recurring theme from last month is this: mouse in the trash—hot button issue.  Is Laine compassionate and kindhearted for not wanting it to end up in the garbage?  Am I cold and heartless for not caring?  The answer?  “Throw it out the window.”  And I’m the bad guy.

Are we cool with this now?

I don’t want to be a stickler for political correctness or social decency or anything (what am I, some kind of nerd?) but NBC putting money in Chris Brown’s pocket to use his song during the Emmys last night seems at the very least, insensitive.

But what do I know, I can’t keep up with the kids these days.  Are we cool with dudes beating up their girlfriends now?  Someone has to tell me these things, I’m not on Twitter.  Can I get some sort of newsletter or something?  Good thing this Emmy producer is more on top of things than I am.  (His wife tried to tell him that it might be nice to pay a musician who doesn’t bash their girlfriend’s head in, but it’s really hard to understand someone with a fat lip.)

I assume you're kidding

"I love this picture of you two! Idiot*, you have married one amazing man! Moron*, I am SO happy for you!"  was a Facebook comment on a photo of a certain newly-married couple yesterday.

I would never wish anyone ill will or anything, and I don’t really care what goes on with this couple or the amnesia victim who wrote that comment, but for God’s sake, someone be honest here.

Saying "you have married one amazing man!” about a guy who consistently cheated on his first wife and led a double life with a girlfriend on the side, is like saying “you have married someone who definitely won’t stab you to death!” about OJ Simpson.  I don’t wanna ruin the surprise or anything, but…no, you haven’t.
 

*names have been changed.

Marcel the Shell

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

I invited some friends from upstate to come eat salad. 

I don't think you're cute

There are a lot of reasons to live in New York. A billion people live here (I tried to walk through Chinatown the other day--a billion seems like a conservative estimate) despite it being vomit-inducingly expensive, so there has to be a reason. I love it. I really do. I “heart” NY or whatever, ok? What I don’t “heart” (other than people saying “I heart…” things--honestly, that needs to stop) are mice. Also waking up early, but right now, mice. They run too fast, their teeth can cut through titanium, the long tail and that claw-paw are scary and they look like Joanna Garcia. And Sunday night, we came face to pointy face. Most girls are afraid of mice, but I’m a strong, independent woman. You can’t come into my house and push me around. Who do you think you are? So I got off the chair, put my fears aside, tucked my pajama pants into my Hunters......and called Jeff to come over and get this thing out of my apartment, because *ear-piercing shrieks*.

After taking 68 bags and 112 pairs of shoes off the floor of my closet (and realizing I might be a hoarder) we finally found him behind the bed, and devised a plan of sticky traps and pathways that too ironically resembled a 50’s science experiment that ended with toxic glue instead of cheese.

Some people get all up in arms about glue traps being inhumane (*see idiots below) and even Jeff had a look of guilt on his face as he picked him up and took him outside to the trash, but I don’t share that sentiment. They’re rodents, not pets. Movies make you think they’re cute and friendly, but I didn’t hear one note of "Somewhere Out There," and he wasn’t wearing a hat or a jacket or anything.

I thought about doing whatever it is you’re supposed to do to free them from the glue (if there is such a thing) so that he could spread the word about 1B and the terror he had endured there, but then I remembered that my campaign platform is “tough on crime." 



*This isn't helping, PETA.  It's just embarrassing.  (Is that one girl topless?)

You, your kids and your Johnson

I guess a lot of people have seen this already. I hadn't until Rick and Kristin forced me into being in the loop, but that's no surprise. I'm really skeptical of things like this, but by all accounts, this really was a commercial in the 80s or whenever. Are there any old people who read this who can confirm? I was way too young to remember.

Also, maybe I didn't pay attention to boating commercials because we didn't have a boat. Now that I think about it, I didn't have a pony or a bouncy house growing up either. I'm not saying we were on food stamps or anything, but sometimes the pool would take a really long time to heat up in the winter. I want to swim NOW!

In case you were thinking of seeing The Addams Family musical...

I can’t really pretend to know anything about the theater scene in New York (or culture in general, really) but I know that Broadway tickets cost like $100 and no one wants to pay $100 to be disappointed. $100 is a lot of money. Not to me, of course, I use $100 bills to throw at anyone who approaches me on the street because poor people are sad and usually creepy and I don’t need that negative energy bringin me down, but for other people, $100 is probably like, at least 2 meals or something. Anyway, my friend Jon made a really helpful website. What a guy. Sorry ladies, he's taken!

www.stagegrade.com

If the guy in the picture had used it, maybe he wouldn't look so confused. I know everyone looooves Phantom of the Opera, but the organ music is a bit excessive and where did he get ALL those candles?

The kid's got UPS

Brian Kownacki came in to pinch hit for Fordham yesterday when they were down 9-1 against Iona, and he either really really wanted to win, or Iona catcher James Beck has something contagious that we don’t know about. I hope it’s the first thing, because ew.



They Robert Downey Jr-ed and ended up winning 12-9. Congrats, kids.

Sting receives human rights award in Chile--Wait, no, this is a different story

I know everyone’s all up in arms about Sting taking $2 million dollars to perform for dictator—president president! —Islam Karimov and everything, because over in Uzbekistan he’s always torturing people and fixing elections, and reporters who oppose him mysteriously get shot three times at close range, and one time he ordered the massacre of 200 civilians including women and children, but in Sting’s defense: Cannonball!



And in my defense: I've always thought Sting was kind of a dick. I win!

Hugh and I have a lot in common

I said this a while back, and now someone's finally backing me up.

Hugh Hefner talked to the Las Vegas Review-Journal the other day (for some reason) and when asked if he thought Tiger could be faithful from now on, Hef said…

“He can if he wants to. But this whole idea that it’s a sex addiction is a copout. Some people become obsessed with sex, but it’s not like an alcohol or drug addiction. He did it because he could get away with it.”

Say what you want about Hugh Hefner and his live-in whores, but he’s 100% honest about being a womanizing maniac, and those girls know exactly what they’re doing. In fact, they just run around in shorts and eat ice cream in bed. If you were born without self respect or a gag reflex, it wouldn't be a bad gig.

2010 Census confirms: Hipsters are apathetic. World gasps.

They say the census is important. The government needs to know how many people there are in whatever city you live in, so they can give out money for schools and hospitals and stuff. Ok, that makes sense, I’ll buy it. Also, if you don’t fill one out, you won’t get a nametag for the big USA party at the end of the year. I think the American Idol cast is going to perform, it should be really good. Unfortunately, according to the New York Times, some of us might not be invited:

New York is a city of procrastinators.
Or at least that is what the Census Bureau hopes. The more pessimistic view is that New Yorkers simply don’t care.

New York City is way behind on sending in their census forms, is their snotty point. Bloomberg put together this list of who is the MOST way behind, and hold on to your Ray Bans:

bringing up the rear is Williamsburg in Brooklyn, with a rate of 31.3 percent

Williamsburg?! I haven’t been this surprised since that time I was the least surprised ever.




Ok, I haven’t filled out mine either, but I WILL. I really will. And if you happen to know where I live, shut up.

Gah-ross

I posted this last year and I started to do what this person is doing but I have a life (I’m lazy) and they barely beat me to it (I never would have done it.) So here you go:

STFUMarrieds.tumblr.com, also known as Another Example of How I Never Follow Through

If you’re like me, sticking your finger down your throat grosses you out, and this is way easier. It’s like a month until bikini season and my thai lunch isn’t going to come back up on its own.

You Teach Real Good

I really hate bad spelling and grammar. Like, really really hate it. Like, insanely, probably-a-little-bit-overboard-crazy hate it. But come on. We all go to school. It’s the law. So unless you’re Jodie Foster in that movie about that girl who was raised by wolves or antelope or something, you should be able to figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re." Also different words: "than" and "then." Totally different meanings. I know, it's mind blowing.

My sister teaches the 5th grade and she's really freaking good at it, but that's not always the case. So, in the spirit of seeing how long it'll take me to go into a rage blackout, these Facebook status updates were written by a teacher. Who teaches AP English. And has her Masters in Literature. I'm not even effing kidding. Good luck, kids in her class. I wish you all the best at Red Lobster. They have a really competitive management program.

No acid reflux! Yea!! Apparently he is an extremely hungry baby. He now ways 9.1 lbs. Crazy!!

Taken aiden to the doctor tomorrow for possible acid reflux. hmm... not good!

Thanks aunt pam. it was fun talking to u yesterday. u and wyatt r so adorable together.

I have more photos to add, but I will have to do that later. If your a mom you know how that is... haha

I cant believe aiden is two weeks old! he has grown so much! he now ways 7.5 lbs. and is 20 inches long!



*On Facebook, seconds after posting this:
Not a better way to end your day then at the four seasons, munching on wasabi peas, and vodka soda w my bestie
THAN. For God's sake, it's THAN. I went to college with you. COLLEGE.

I think you have the wrong inbox

I’d like to know what terrifying wrong turn I made in life, that for some horrific reason, I ended up on the email list for this:


SATURDAY, MAY 15
3 PM & 7:30 PM
Star Wars In Concert is a massive multi-media event featuring stunning visuals, a live orchestra, choir and narration, plus an exclusive exhibit
of Star Wars costumes, props and production artwork!

May 15th is going to be one lonely day in the World of Warcraft.

South Park - Make Love, Not Warcraft

DARK RIDER | MySpace Video

People love cupcakes.

Here’s what happened: I made too many cupcakes. I wanted to make some chocolate and some yellow, and making half a batch seems wasteful, so I made a full batch of each. The word “batch” is weird when you say it more than once. Anyway, I made too many, and as the definition of “too many” would suggest, they weren’t all eaten. After the Oscars, Ryan and I left Rick and Kristin’s new Park Slope apartment, and on the way to the G train, made this cruel cold world and the hearts and stomachs of passersby, a little warmer. You might not think people would take a cupcake from a stranger on the street, but they did. They all did.

(OK, one guy on the subway platform didn’t take one. Snob. I’m spreading goodwill toward men, asshole.)


Whoever said New Yorkers aren't friendly never gave out free cupcakes in Brooklyn at midnight on a Sunday. This guy knows. And is that my good friend Jeff Allen, drinking coffee with him at 47 seconds? I think it is.



*Update: they're drinking cider.

That was kind of a downer, so look at this guy! Ryan waited for the train with him once. I wonder where he's going.

Who could have seen this coming? A blind person.

They finally arrested the psychopath who killed Chelsea King when they found his semen on her underwear, and it’s so weird that he’d do something this brutal because he’s never displayed this sort of violent behavior before. Heeeey...

In addition to murder, Gardner was charged with assault with the intent to commit rape, for an attack on another woman in the same park last December, according to District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. Authorities say they also are investigating whether Gardner might be responsible for the February 2009 disappearance of Escondido High School freshman Amber Dubois, who was 14 when she vanished while walking to campus.
In 2000, Gardner was convicted of assaulting and molesting a girl. The victim, a 13-year-old neighbor, said he repeatedly punched her in the face and fondled her at his mother's townhouse, which is about a mile from Rancho Bernardo Community Park.

PHEW! Convicted! And even better:

Dr. Matthew Carroll, a psychiatrist who interviewed Gardner following the 2000 assault, described him as "callous" and lacking remorse, making him "an extremely poor candidate for any sexual offender treatment," according to court records. "It is my opinion that (Gardner) would be a continued danger to underage girls in the community," Carroll wrote as he recommended the maximum sentence of 30 years in prison.

So naturally…

Gardner was sentenced to six years in prison and served five before he was released in September 2005. He was on probation until 2008.

I’ve mentioned this before, but if you’re contemplating a career in crime, it’s tempting to lean towards something in drugs or maybe something in the con arts (being a con artist seems really fun!) but violent rape seems to carry the most lenient sentences and probation if you should get caught, so that’s something to think about. That’s a pretty big one for the “pro” side.

The point is, goldfish live longer than we keep rapists in jail, so you should get some pepper spray.
pepperface.com

*Guys, I had to remove the personal aspect of this post cause the dude was caught and now we're in court and it's a whole thing.  Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.

Immobilizing Snowfall!

I really love the ominous nature of the Accuweather maps. It's snowing, not raining blood.

California is tough on crime

Watch CBS News Videos Online

I don’t want to harp on this or anything, but yesterday the head of the California state parole system, Matthew Cates, admitted that “the man accused of kidnapping Jaycee Dugard fell through the cracks.”

Matthew Cates is a pretty insightful guy. How big are those cracks exactly?

According to News 10 in Sacramento:

California Parole Board Commissioner Bilenda Harris-Ritter cites parole officers' failures to check the backyard, where there were tented areas, with electrical cords connected from the house, where Dugard was living with her two daughters fathered by Garrido.

She says the most egregious failure may have been by a parole officer who documented that a 12-year old girl was living in the Garrido home, but who did nothing about it, even though the terms of Garrdio's parole forbid him from having such contact with young girls.

Garrido had been classified as a "low-risk" sex offender, even though he had a history of kidnapping and violent rape in Nevada from years before.

Ah, ok, so...really fucking big.


--Hi, I’m here to check in following your release from prison for dealing cocaine. What’s all this white stuff in these conveniently packaged rectangular blocks?

--Oh, I sell powdered sugar by the kilo now.  For baking.  People love cupcakes.

--Well that makes sense. Cupcakes are delicious. Carry on.

All-Out Blizzard Wednesday!

We’re about to be in the midst of a snowstorm. The drama queen weathermen are anticipating something that looks like that movie with Jake Gyllenhall.......what was that movie called? Ah, The Day After Tomorrow. What did we do before IMDB? Also, Gyllenhaal is spelled like that. Not how I spelled it before. I could have just corrected myself, but I’m not hiding my flaws anymore. Here I am, world.

Anyway, I’m not a meteorologist, so I have no choice but to listen to their wild predictions for tonight and tomorrow. Driving is discouraged, trains are expecting major delays, and the airlines have thrown in the towel altogether. (Wusses.) Here in the city, all city public schools will be closed, which means those lucky little rugrats will be making snowmen in the streets of New York with heroin needle noses and little used-condom hats, and while they’re finding broken umbrella snowmen arms, and while everyone else in the northeast is snowed in with hot toddies and electric blankets, I will be at work. According to the email we just received from HR. Goddamn productive company.

I hope he ends up with Vienna

If you’ve watched The Bachelor with any consistency, then you know that ABC seems to be trying to out-boring itself with the snoozefest of dorks they cast as the bachelor. And this year they’ve really outdone themselves with Jake Pavelka. The only way this idiot could be less funny, is if he were in a coma. Actually, maybe he’d be funnier in a coma. Like if the doctors got bored one day and drew a mustache and a pirate eye patch on his face with a Sharpie, and then got a parrot to sit on his shoulder telling knock-knock jokes. That would be the funniest thing he’s ever done. And he didn’t even do it. He’s in a coma. He should thank those doctors.

He was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night, and for the love of Christ, I dare you to try to watch this whole thing without cringing every time he tries to make a joke. It’s like watching…I don’t know, what’s the least funny thing ever? Dane Cook? It's like watching Dane Cook without the wild gesturing and squatting.  Not so funny, is it?

Chris Nowinski vs. the NFL

The other night I was watching “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” and the topic was the follow up to a story they did in 2007 about concussions in the NFL. The segment was actually called “Head Games,” which I appreciate. Dateline and 48 hours should borrow the pun-y segment title writers from HBO. They’re always naming their segments after Nancy Drew books, like they’re going to trick us into watching news. "The Trouble At Twin Wrecks." "The Mystery At Empire Lake." (I didn’t make those up.) It’s a real life mystery, we get it. (I’m completely full of shit, of course, because Dateline reporter Keith Morrison’s voice is chilling and I dare you to watch 3 minutes of "The Mystery At Empire Lake" and not drop everything you’re doing to find out what happened to Michele Harris. “It’s a little piece of paradise…and perhaps…a particular corner of Hell…” Oh my God, where is she?!!)

That’s not the point, though. The point is that ex-NFL players are having all kinds of dementia and depression from brain damage they sustained while playing football, so Chris Nowinski decided to look into things. He’s a less than likely candidate to head up (yep) this investigation, but if anyone knows about concussions, it’s this guy.
He played football at Harvard (so, in a tweed sport coat) and then decided to ram his head into people (and folding chairs) for a living as WWE pro wrestler. (He thought about getting a regular job after Harvard, but then he remembered that girls who live in trailer parks are super easy.)
After a few years of that, he was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome. He started investigating the link between repeated concussions and serious brain problems, and when Andre Waters killed himself, Chris took his brain to some doctor, who cut it up into slices and poked at with what I think is a martini stirrer.
In a shocking twist that only the most advanced science could have proven, it turns out that banging your head into things as hard as you can for years on end, damages your brain. They also figured out where babies come from, but I wouldn’t be too quick to believe anything until more testing’s been done.

If you want to see if you can make yourself as depressed as a veteran NFL player, watch this:

Casey Anthony is sorry

You know how Casey Anthony killed her daughter? Well she feels really bad and is ready to plead guilty. Oh, no, not for that. Sorry, that was confusing. She feels really bad for stealing some money from her friend. Because children come and go, but friends and money are forever and nothing can ever bring that $400 back.

"I just want to let everyone know that I'm sorry for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions," Anthony, 23, told the judge, referring to the check fraud. "I wish I would have been a better friend."

She's tricky. "I take full responsibility. For writing a check! HA, you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?" It’s like when your boyfriend says “I love you” and you answer by saying “I love Yoo-hoo.” It sounds the same at first, but it really doesn’t mean the same thing at all.

I think Carrie Prejean already tried this

When Jon sent me the Facebook profile picture of this unknown "young" lady:

followed by the profile picture of her husband:


we basked in the awe of two trashy douchebags finding each other and having such well-matched judgment in Facebook profile pictures. It’s comforting. A lid for every pot. An Ed Hardy trucker hat (trust me, he has one) for every sexy witch costume. What’s less comforting is clicking on Sexy Witch’s profile and seeing the words “mutual friends."

Thanks, Baylor.

A few highlights from the groups that Sexy Witch and Shirtless Doublefist belong to:

Being Conservative
Sarah Palin
Rush Limbaugh and the EIB Network

Obviously.

Love and Logic

As I've mentioned before, I like to associate myself with talented people in an effort to feel a sense of accomplishment without exerting any effort or having any talent. So in the interest of showing off (and in honor of my dad’s Adam Lambert obsession) here's Paul and his band Love and Logic's acoustic cover of Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me." If you haven't watched it, you're 91,391 people behind. Where the hell have you been all week?