I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:
r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Soulmates
I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:
r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember
Monday, December 14, 2009
Fluffy? Snowball?
There’s a show on A&E called “Hoarders” and it’s always pretty shocking, because crazy people are scary, but holy crap, that’s a dead cat.
And there’s another one over there.
I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel.
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom. Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.
And there’s another one over there.
I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel.
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom. Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.
Tiger Woods is addicted to sex with women who aren’t his wife
I understand that mental illnesses and disorders are real and that many people are affected by them. I saw A Beautiful Mind. That dude was crazy. Jennifer Connolly couldn’t even leave their baby with him, and he was putting newspaper clippings and string all over the walls and talking to imaginary Ed Harris….It was a mess. That is real. Schizophrenia is real. And it’s FREAKY. Did you see that Oprah with the schizophrenic little girl? Yikes. But now everyone’s hopping on this “addiction” and “disorder” bandwagon that makes it ok to do dumb shit because it’s not your fault. Cue this:
Tiger Woods, Sex Addict?
Is that even a real thing? I guess psychiatrists are saying it’s a real thing, but I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to matter to anyone. I don’t really care if he wants to drag it through every "cocktail waitress" in the country, but it seems unfair to get married and have 2 kids, if that’s your second-most time consuming hobby. And just to give his wife an extra punch in the face, he apparently finds condoms unnecessary while having sex with girls who have sex with lots of guys without condoms for a living. Merry Christmas, I got you AIDS.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Hi, I'm a...
Remember this? Well not anymore, suckers. I did it.
I’m so weak. I tried to be strong, but I’m no match for Justin Long and his persuasive floppy hair. I don’t have it yet, so for 3-7 more business days, I’m still uncool. After that, I’m going to put a lowercase “i” in front of everything and wear cardigans and sneakers to work. Because I’m hip. I’m a Mac. (in 3-7 business days)
*but first I'll look confused like the girl in the picture. I go to the top left to x out of a window?? What's going on?!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Hilary Duff, huh? Who knew.
I apparently missed the juiciest Gossip Girl all season last night, but I was busy and I can't just stop my life for college threesomes. I guess I could, but I'm a girl and at the very least, we pretend to be uninterested in that sort of thing. When it involves my beloved little monsters, however, I'm very very interested. Mostly because all season long the CW let the advertisers scare them out of doing anything controversial, and I'm glad to see the writers got their balls back. I know it appears to be inappropriate to have 19-year-olds engaged in threesomes on a show marketed to teenagers, but if you watch the show, you know that it's 100% ridiculous and that's the whole point. If you don't watch the show and happened to catch that one episode, then way to go! Nice timing.
For the record, that last post was a little premature, huh? I was going to write some crap, but then I decided to go here
and do this
instead. I think I made the right choice. Ok, really REALLY, from now on, I'll be here for you. Anything you need, day or night.
For the record, that last post was a little premature, huh? I was going to write some crap, but then I decided to go here
and do this
instead. I think I made the right choice. Ok, really REALLY, from now on, I'll be here for you. Anything you need, day or night.
Monday, November 2, 2009
AWOL
A lot of things have happened in the last 2 weeks. A guy duct taped 14 pythons to himself to smuggle them onto a plane, for one. Did anyone see that? He said he just really likes snakes. Also, I saw an old lady fall down and I helped her up and then walked her to Walgreens, so I'm basically in the clear as far as karma goes from here on out. The main thing that’s happened is that I haven’t posted anything. That’s really something not happening more than something happening. Did you think I was dead? Well I’m not. HA!
I’ve been busy, and I’ve been getting a lot of whiney crap about the lack of posts, so I’m sorry. It’s hard for me, too, ok? I’ll be posting on a regular schedule again startiiiiing…now.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
GG 10.19.09: "Out you cableknit queen!"
Gossip Girl: Enough About Eve
Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.
So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)
All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.
AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?
Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.
"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.
PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.
Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.
I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.
"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.
"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”
OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.
This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.
Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.
YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.
Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.
"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.
“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.
Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.
"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.
“OUT you cableknit queen!"
"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.
Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.
Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."
"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.
This is my scene!! I'm right back there.
Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?
HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?
First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.
“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.
Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.
“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.
Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.
And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together
and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.
Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.
So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)
All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.
AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?
Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.
"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.
PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.
Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.
I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.
"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.
"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”
OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.
This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.
Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.
YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.
Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.
"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.
“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.
Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.
"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.
“OUT you cableknit queen!"
"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.
Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.
Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."
"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.
This is my scene!! I'm right back there.
Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?
HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?
First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.
“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.
Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.
“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.
Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.
And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together
and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
And I thought so highly of the FOX network...
I know everyone’s seen this, but I just saw it this morning on the Today Show for the first time because I don’t care about the NFL and I was watching a girly fashion documentary and braiding Lacee's hair while we had a pillow fight and painted eatch other's nails when this aired.
Listen, I wouldn’t normally stick up for Jessica Simpson. Her “singing” is just ridiculous facial expressions and wild gesturing set to really loud whispering and breathy gasps, and she annoys me with her fake Texas accent, but if a major TV network made a cartoon entirely about me being fat and getting dumped, and then aired it during an enormously popular sporting event for the whole nation to collectively laugh at my deepest insecurities, I’d throw myself off a bridge. Actually, I used to be a swimmer, so unless I died on impact, that wouldn’t make much sense. Do you die on impact or do you just drown after you go in? This isn’t about me, maybe Jessica’s not a great swimmer, I don’t know.
The point is that FOX is run by a bunch of idiots who all somehow thought this was a good idea and who all make a lot more money than I do, and I don’t think that’s fair.
Even more alarming than any of that, is that someone was paid money to write this:
"Man, I still can't believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson, even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams!"
"Unlike Tony, at least Jessica comes up big when it counts!"
"Say Tony, is Jessica around? We could use a defensive tackle!"
You FOX guys and your jokes! What’s that, a pie? Are you going to throw that in his…OH MY GOD! He’s got pie all over his face! Let me catch my breath, this comedy is blowing my mind! You flew in from L.A. and your arms are tired? OH, I get it! You flew! Stop it, guys, it’s too much!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Everyone just needs to calm down
I just saw this on the Post website and started to write about it, but then I saw this on WWTDD and Brendon basically says everything I was going to say, except with stronger language (my mom reads this!) and more references to lesbians.
He wasn't married and he slept with an adult. Not a 21-year-old “adult.” An actual adult. She happened to work for him. He’s also 600 times funnier than Jay Leno. That doesn’t hold much water in this particular argument, but I think it deserves mentioning.
I haven’t written anything about all this nonsense before because I love David Letterman. I always have, and unless he murders my family or brings back trucker hats, I always will. I was brought up in a good home, by good parents who taught me about unconditional love. They also taught me that being funny is far more important than ethics, but I don’t really think that has anything to do with this.
Let's just say that I agree with this laid back commenter:
Do you really care if Letterman did something "bad"? Relax. Move on. Have a Mojito or do what you do to chill.
I don’t like mojitos, but…yeah, man. Chill.
GG 10.12.09: "I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."
Gossip Girl October 12, 2009: Rufus Getting Married
Ah, couples. Couples doing couple things. Helping your girlfriend put on her necklace, feeding each other (what I thought was a Starbucks muffin, but that is a generic bodega coffee cup, which is BS because a Nate and Bree wouldn’t get coffee at Halal’s)on the street, giddy IMing, and patterned silk pajama making out.
Oh, ew, Serena shouldn’t do that cutesy baby talk voice. “You spoil me.” You were already spoiled. And now you’re spoiling my dinner.
Great Dan face when Vanessa tells him to tell Georgina he’s seeing someone else.
Mouse-face trying to be sweet is reminding me of her character on Privileged and why the daughters on that show were so much better than she was.
“Do you happen to know Swahili for mind your own beeswax?”
“We're southern, so family loyalty's really big down there”
“Like slavery…”
“I know women, and none of us are that nice.”
I know some genuinely nice women. I think. Right? There’s gotta be somebody…
“Running with jeans on? It didn't chafe?”
First of all, as if Dan would have believed that in any pants. When was the last time Rufus worked out? And secondly, the thought of running in jeans is disgusting. There’s a woman at my gym who works out in jeans. With her hair down. Jeans don’t breathe and I know her neck is screaming under that over-dyed frizzy black mop, so she can’t be comfortable. She appears to be nearing 50 and I assume she played bass in some sort of sad all-girl rock band and had many more things pierced before than she does now. There are probably holes everywhere. Actually…maybe Rufus would run in jeans.
Georgina should at least attempt to hide her desperation. She went to Jesus camp, she’d have learned how to fake a pregnancy to trick a guy into staying with her. And she looks terrible in this episode.
Love Is a Battlefield
Of COURSE they've got a floormate who makes “brownies.” Finally a reference to pot. It's NYU.
”I knew I let you two watch Parent Trap too many times.”
YES! Finally, Chuck in something more ridiculous than that pinky ring. Vintage Gossip Girl.
“Why would I tell that future Nascar mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on.”
Jenny and Eric WOULD jump to the conclusion that Vanessa was in love with Dan, AND validate it with its similarity to a Rom-Com. (I’m sorry, I abbreviated in irony and it’s still makes me want to dry heave.)
“They served us wine in Welcome Back Kotter mugs.”
The origin of the welcome back kotter mug!
“I swiped Horshack for you.”
“I'm sure Mayor Bloomberg would be perfectly comfortable toasting us with a Freddie Boom Boom Washington cup. That is so you. Not us.”
OH Lily’s almost outdone her own pretentiousness in this episode. It’s wonderful.
“I’m not in love with you, you moron.”
Aw, he went there and she went to Brooklyn! They love each other. Leap! Blah. I really hate it when people say things like “let’s just leap.” What does that even mean? Let’s get married tomorrow so then we have all these issues to talk about AFTER we’re married? It doesn’t even make sense. And does Lily expect Bloomberg to come to a wedding on a day’s notice? Are they going to send out evites?
“The Whitney's a no, The Harvard Club's a no, and Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.”
I hesitate to admit this, but I once had a dream that I was dating Tom Colicchio (not THAT kind of dream, just that we were dating. I was in his apartment. He had a skateboard and I thought it was weird. He’s not a skateboard kind of guy. He’s too old for that, and frankly, a little too heavy to be doing tricks on a half pipe) and ever since then I’ve been weirdly attracted to him. Have you seen his new Diet Coke ad?
“The only time i want to hear "no" is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.”
“My family's in investment banking, they're all broke.”
“Then you can go.”
Jenny rules with an iron fist.
Hahaha, Serena with a clipboard. She’s very official.
Oh good, they can get married at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. How symbolic.
HA, new mean girls.
“What does it mean when someone used grab your ass and now doesn't?”
He used to grab her ass? Ew. And I wish they’d stop saying they “broke up.” If you hook up with someone for a week, there’s no “breaking up” because in order to “break up” you have to have been together.
Is Scott wearing a denim shirt? Is that a denim shirt? Oh, I think it’s just blue. I wouldn’t put it past him. He is Rufus’s son.
Even dressed-up Dorota and Serena’s amazing boobs don’t make up for Jenny’s Mary Kate Olsen dress. It’s a wedding, not rehab.
Lily Bass let Jenny make her wedding dress? I don’t think so. And Lily wanted to wear magenta? I really don’t think so. And why does she always wear clip on earrings?
I like how he tells Serena he owed "scary people" money. Like he’s talking to a 6-year-old.
I also like how the big deal is not that he was the kind of person that would actually con a poor girl into almost marrying him, it’s that it might mean that he doesn’t care about Serena. “did you make her breakfast, too?” Uh, no, I saved the Toaster Strudel all for you.
Oooh Oooh Love Child, things didn't get any easier.
AND heartbreak hotel?
Enough with the song titles.
Friday Night Lights reference. They’re supposed to be from Texas, we get it. I don't watch that show, but it’s filmed at my high school, so I appreciate the shout-out. Go Panthers.
“After what I did, what am I even supposed to say?”
Lily’s so clueless at parenting, I love it.
“Because I can break your heart, and that's terrifying. And i know that because right now you're breakin mine.”
"you're breakin mine"? Are those old Lincoln Hawk lyrics?
Can we give this kid a haircut if he's going to be a Humphrey?
Lily crying! and...hugging. that was weird.
“Reunited and it feels so good.”
STOP IT.
Oh gaaaaaah Sonic Youth. I hate Sonic Youth.
Juno: “I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked, it's just noise.”
She’s the smart one in that movie, remember.
"I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."
"See I told you, he has my nose."
“Maybe, but those are my eyebrows.”
Leave it to Eric to notice the kid’s brows.
“I'm a Buckley. As much as I like you, that's always gonna come first. It's in my blood. It's Texas.”
It’s kind of entertaining to see what the writers think about Texas. It’s a state, not a cult. I’m from Texas and I’ve only married one of my brothers. So far.
What are the big Buckley boys gonna do, beat him up? Kill him? Kneecaps? No, that’s Jersey.
HA Dorota’s in charge of the get-rid-of-Georgina plot. In a headscarf.
Well, everyone’s still in love except Nate. Even Serena’s coming around to Carter, and once the Buckley boys are done with him, she’ll forget all about that other girl he screwed over. Girls love black eyes and scars. I once dated an ex-hockey player. He wasn’t a master conversationalist, but I saw a picture of him bleeding on the ice from his hockey days, and it made stories about socks tolerable for like 6 weeks.
Ah, couples. Couples doing couple things. Helping your girlfriend put on her necklace, feeding each other (what I thought was a Starbucks muffin, but that is a generic bodega coffee cup, which is BS because a Nate and Bree wouldn’t get coffee at Halal’s)on the street, giddy IMing, and patterned silk pajama making out.
Oh, ew, Serena shouldn’t do that cutesy baby talk voice. “You spoil me.” You were already spoiled. And now you’re spoiling my dinner.
Great Dan face when Vanessa tells him to tell Georgina he’s seeing someone else.
Mouse-face trying to be sweet is reminding me of her character on Privileged and why the daughters on that show were so much better than she was.
“Do you happen to know Swahili for mind your own beeswax?”
“We're southern, so family loyalty's really big down there”
“Like slavery…”
“I know women, and none of us are that nice.”
I know some genuinely nice women. I think. Right? There’s gotta be somebody…
“Running with jeans on? It didn't chafe?”
First of all, as if Dan would have believed that in any pants. When was the last time Rufus worked out? And secondly, the thought of running in jeans is disgusting. There’s a woman at my gym who works out in jeans. With her hair down. Jeans don’t breathe and I know her neck is screaming under that over-dyed frizzy black mop, so she can’t be comfortable. She appears to be nearing 50 and I assume she played bass in some sort of sad all-girl rock band and had many more things pierced before than she does now. There are probably holes everywhere. Actually…maybe Rufus would run in jeans.
Georgina should at least attempt to hide her desperation. She went to Jesus camp, she’d have learned how to fake a pregnancy to trick a guy into staying with her. And she looks terrible in this episode.
Love Is a Battlefield
Of COURSE they've got a floormate who makes “brownies.” Finally a reference to pot. It's NYU.
”I knew I let you two watch Parent Trap too many times.”
YES! Finally, Chuck in something more ridiculous than that pinky ring. Vintage Gossip Girl.
“Why would I tell that future Nascar mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on.”
Jenny and Eric WOULD jump to the conclusion that Vanessa was in love with Dan, AND validate it with its similarity to a Rom-Com. (I’m sorry, I abbreviated in irony and it’s still makes me want to dry heave.)
“They served us wine in Welcome Back Kotter mugs.”
The origin of the welcome back kotter mug!
“I swiped Horshack for you.”
“I'm sure Mayor Bloomberg would be perfectly comfortable toasting us with a Freddie Boom Boom Washington cup. That is so you. Not us.”
OH Lily’s almost outdone her own pretentiousness in this episode. It’s wonderful.
“I’m not in love with you, you moron.”
Aw, he went there and she went to Brooklyn! They love each other. Leap! Blah. I really hate it when people say things like “let’s just leap.” What does that even mean? Let’s get married tomorrow so then we have all these issues to talk about AFTER we’re married? It doesn’t even make sense. And does Lily expect Bloomberg to come to a wedding on a day’s notice? Are they going to send out evites?
“The Whitney's a no, The Harvard Club's a no, and Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.”
I hesitate to admit this, but I once had a dream that I was dating Tom Colicchio (not THAT kind of dream, just that we were dating. I was in his apartment. He had a skateboard and I thought it was weird. He’s not a skateboard kind of guy. He’s too old for that, and frankly, a little too heavy to be doing tricks on a half pipe) and ever since then I’ve been weirdly attracted to him. Have you seen his new Diet Coke ad?
“The only time i want to hear "no" is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.”
“My family's in investment banking, they're all broke.”
“Then you can go.”
Jenny rules with an iron fist.
Hahaha, Serena with a clipboard. She’s very official.
Oh good, they can get married at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. How symbolic.
HA, new mean girls.
“What does it mean when someone used grab your ass and now doesn't?”
He used to grab her ass? Ew. And I wish they’d stop saying they “broke up.” If you hook up with someone for a week, there’s no “breaking up” because in order to “break up” you have to have been together.
Is Scott wearing a denim shirt? Is that a denim shirt? Oh, I think it’s just blue. I wouldn’t put it past him. He is Rufus’s son.
Even dressed-up Dorota and Serena’s amazing boobs don’t make up for Jenny’s Mary Kate Olsen dress. It’s a wedding, not rehab.
Lily Bass let Jenny make her wedding dress? I don’t think so. And Lily wanted to wear magenta? I really don’t think so. And why does she always wear clip on earrings?
I like how he tells Serena he owed "scary people" money. Like he’s talking to a 6-year-old.
I also like how the big deal is not that he was the kind of person that would actually con a poor girl into almost marrying him, it’s that it might mean that he doesn’t care about Serena. “did you make her breakfast, too?” Uh, no, I saved the Toaster Strudel all for you.
Oooh Oooh Love Child, things didn't get any easier.
AND heartbreak hotel?
Enough with the song titles.
Friday Night Lights reference. They’re supposed to be from Texas, we get it. I don't watch that show, but it’s filmed at my high school, so I appreciate the shout-out. Go Panthers.
“After what I did, what am I even supposed to say?”
Lily’s so clueless at parenting, I love it.
“Because I can break your heart, and that's terrifying. And i know that because right now you're breakin mine.”
"you're breakin mine"? Are those old Lincoln Hawk lyrics?
Can we give this kid a haircut if he's going to be a Humphrey?
Lily crying! and...hugging. that was weird.
“Reunited and it feels so good.”
STOP IT.
Oh gaaaaaah Sonic Youth. I hate Sonic Youth.
Juno: “I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked, it's just noise.”
She’s the smart one in that movie, remember.
"I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."
"See I told you, he has my nose."
“Maybe, but those are my eyebrows.”
Leave it to Eric to notice the kid’s brows.
“I'm a Buckley. As much as I like you, that's always gonna come first. It's in my blood. It's Texas.”
It’s kind of entertaining to see what the writers think about Texas. It’s a state, not a cult. I’m from Texas and I’ve only married one of my brothers. So far.
What are the big Buckley boys gonna do, beat him up? Kill him? Kneecaps? No, that’s Jersey.
HA Dorota’s in charge of the get-rid-of-Georgina plot. In a headscarf.
Well, everyone’s still in love except Nate. Even Serena’s coming around to Carter, and once the Buckley boys are done with him, she’ll forget all about that other girl he screwed over. Girls love black eyes and scars. I once dated an ex-hockey player. He wasn’t a master conversationalist, but I saw a picture of him bleeding on the ice from his hockey days, and it made stories about socks tolerable for like 6 weeks.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Kindness is sweeping the city
I got on the L train the other morning and if you don’t live in New York, or you do and for some annoying reason don’t take the subway (I hate you) then I’ll tell you this first. Subway drivers or conductors or whatever you call them, only make announcements if you’re on an old train that doesn’t have the white lady automated GPS-sounding voice to announce the stops, or there’s a some sort of “service interruption” BS and you have to take 5 trains to get from Union Square to 23rd street. So you can imagine everyone’s surprise Monday morning when we heard:
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad to see everyone looks well-rested and ready for the day…”
Uuuuh, what? In 5 ½ years I’ve never heard a subway driver say anything other than the name of a street or the word “delay.” Everyone went through this series of facial expressions: usual turn-off-my-iPod listening face, to did-he-really-just-say-that confusion face, to (the rarely seen) actually smiling and making eye contact with other subway passengers. Like, “ha, that’s weird, huh!” kind of camaraderie. He just wanted to tell us that the L trains were behind so our train wouldn’t stop until Union Square, but he topped himself and signed off with “please be kind to your fellow passengers and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.” I felt better about the state of the world all the way from Lorimer to 8th Avenue.
I only bring that up because this morning, the sanitation worker—one of the ones that clean the streets, not the ones on the trucks, I don’t know what the title of that job is—who I see almost every day on the block between the subway and my office, was particularly upbeat this morning and exchanged his usual “hello” with “what a beautiful day!” I don’t know if everyone’s on uppers or what the deal is, but I like it. Everyone should just be nice. At least to strangers who haven’t done anything to piss you off yet. Unless they're dressed badly or stink or something, you can't put up with that.
Look how nice these people are to each other. (Thanks, Reg) Maybe kindness is sweeping Dallas, too. It's a nationwide phenomenon. I'm not going to post the video, because...ew.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
GG 10.5.09: "Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."
Gossip Girl 10.5.09: Dan de Fleurette
Well, as I suspected, Tyra’s horrifyingly awful performance almost completely ruined back-to-Constance day for me. I will never understand how she’s the least bit successful at anything other than modeling, or how an entire group of network executives not only makes it through meetings without throwing her off a building, but actually gives her more than one show, but by some act of Satan, she’s all over TV and now she’s invaded my beloved Gossip Girl.
I won’t let her win, though. Lily made her always-pretentious return and brightened my dark, Tyra-infested day.
Dan spends 90% of his time with his girl best friend and his little sister and he's NEVER heard the name of the teen vampire movies? I've never seen a second or read a page of Twilight, but I sure as hell know who Kristin Stewart is. That's her name, right?
At least Hilary Duff gets to play a huge star, in her a small guest starring role that she landed because she’s not busy doing anything else.
Of course Dan "forgot his wallet." Yeah, I've heard that before, Brooklyn.
"That's incredibly nice."
$1.50? Is $1.50 incredibly nice? The other day, my metrocard ran out at the 8th and 15th entrance, where there’s no machine to buy one, and a guy gave me a swipe so that I wouldn’t have to go across the street. It was really nice, but the word “incredible” didn’t come to mind. And that's $2. If it were 1910, $1.50 might be incredibly nice.
"What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?"
"Oh, that's disturbing"
I miss the girls of the steps (even these strangers) and their theme outfits to coordinate with the queen.
“Go wash your eyes.” How can she realize how ridiculous they look, and not know that she looks like she’s been on a 5 day coke binge? And why doesn’t Eric tell her? That’s what gay friends are FOR.
And also, why do some people have to wear uniforms and Jenny gets to dress like 80s Madonna?
Rufus doing Lily impressions is fantastic. His defeated “OH, Serena.” Is spot on.
Why is Lily not immediately shocked that Serena's still at home? Eh, who cares, I’ve missed her and her wonderfully pretentious tone and condescending looks. “Serena, you’ve never worked a day in your life.” Serena, you're an idiot.
Jenny's freedom speech is never going to work.
"Sandals are not shoes."
Tory Burch, Georgina Chapman, and Todd Diciurcio could all win Oscars next to Tyra Banks.
And if she wants a job in fashion so badly, why doesn’t she work for Eleanor Waldorf?
Serena WOULD give Olivia the heads up on the back entrance, only to follow it up with WHY she knows where it is. “They were following me around for a while…” Just in case you didn’t know that I’m important. I’m important.
A socialite going into publicity? Even more realistic than a socialite going into fashion.
Ah, they’re back in Blair-wear. How did she regain control that quickly?
FINALLY, Nate’s coming into his own. That might be the best acting Chace Crawford's ever done.
And I'm relieved that he doesn’t look like he’s going to play canasta with Rose and Dorothy, but his hair still isn’t up to snuff. At least it’ll be winter soon, and he looks good in a ski cap.
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah She's only been on the screen for 15 seconds and I want to gauge my eyes out and shove an ice pick in my ears. Don’t they have a director? Is he too afraid to say anything to her? I would be, she’s huge.
They're best friends now and had a slumber party and now they're gabbing in their p.j.'s?
Chuck and Jenny in cahoots?
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah Good LORD she's so BAD. "Serena can you help me? Serena can you help me with my hair? Serena, please, I need help with my hair.” They do have a director, right? I wonder how bad it was before, that this is what they settled on.
First of all, she'd have hair and makeup. Secondly, is she supposed to be as stupid in this role as she is in real life? She's relying on an 18-year-old she met 24 hours ago for hair tips and emotional support?
I hate to see Blair lower herself to being the pathetic college freshman who comes back to high school to feel superior, but really ends up feeling even worse because it’s so pathetic, but I miss the annual sleepover, too.
This whole scene is pretty great for Lily. At least she’s trying to be a mom. She’s not actually making her go to college, but she is pointing out how stupid she is, and that’s what we all want to do, so thanks, Lil.
"…a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an ivy league education."
What do you mean you've become friends with her? You met her YESTERDAY.
"This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and connections...why else would she hire an 18 year old with no skills and no college degree."
"Maybe because she believes in me."
Ha, teenagers are stupid.
Am I supposed to believe that Dan walked around the city with this girl, with everyone staring and taking pictures, and then runs into her at the movie premiere, and it still takes him a full minute to stutter until he puts it all together?
AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Oh my God, this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Ok, she’s gone. For now.
"And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
Ah.
Why is he sitting in the theater alone? And she’s wandering around alone in the empty theater, too? And do we really need to do this? Do we need to hear her say AGAIN that she wants to be normal? WE GET IT.
"Aren't you Blair Waldorf?"
Thank God.
"Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."
AGAIN with the “I just want to be normal.” Try talking about something other than how hard it is to be normal. THAT would be normal.
"Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go ivy and are now find ourselves wasting away in a patchouli-scented purgatory."
"Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that means she’s back again) UGH, she does this “I’m so wise, listen to me” voice when she kicks someone off Top Model. Now she’s giving her motherly advice and telling her to find herself? She was relying on Serena to keep her from jumping off a bridge like 8 hours ago. (for the record, the only reason I ever watched Top Model is because we used to do a pool at work before we all got sick of watching girls who could never be models try to pose in underwater in a gorilla costume, while listening to Tyra talk about herself.)
Aw, Vanessa's so vulnerable. She’s so real.
Dan’s about to endure a lot of disappointment if blond girl in a fedora gets him every time.
Ok, so everyone found themselves except Serena, who was the only one really looking. For now she’s going to stay at Blair’s and hang out with Dorota. Maybe she’ll learn how to say “cleavage” in Polish.
Well, as I suspected, Tyra’s horrifyingly awful performance almost completely ruined back-to-Constance day for me. I will never understand how she’s the least bit successful at anything other than modeling, or how an entire group of network executives not only makes it through meetings without throwing her off a building, but actually gives her more than one show, but by some act of Satan, she’s all over TV and now she’s invaded my beloved Gossip Girl.
I won’t let her win, though. Lily made her always-pretentious return and brightened my dark, Tyra-infested day.
Dan spends 90% of his time with his girl best friend and his little sister and he's NEVER heard the name of the teen vampire movies? I've never seen a second or read a page of Twilight, but I sure as hell know who Kristin Stewart is. That's her name, right?
At least Hilary Duff gets to play a huge star, in her a small guest starring role that she landed because she’s not busy doing anything else.
Of course Dan "forgot his wallet." Yeah, I've heard that before, Brooklyn.
"That's incredibly nice."
$1.50? Is $1.50 incredibly nice? The other day, my metrocard ran out at the 8th and 15th entrance, where there’s no machine to buy one, and a guy gave me a swipe so that I wouldn’t have to go across the street. It was really nice, but the word “incredible” didn’t come to mind. And that's $2. If it were 1910, $1.50 might be incredibly nice.
"What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?"
"Oh, that's disturbing"
I miss the girls of the steps (even these strangers) and their theme outfits to coordinate with the queen.
“Go wash your eyes.” How can she realize how ridiculous they look, and not know that she looks like she’s been on a 5 day coke binge? And why doesn’t Eric tell her? That’s what gay friends are FOR.
And also, why do some people have to wear uniforms and Jenny gets to dress like 80s Madonna?
Rufus doing Lily impressions is fantastic. His defeated “OH, Serena.” Is spot on.
Why is Lily not immediately shocked that Serena's still at home? Eh, who cares, I’ve missed her and her wonderfully pretentious tone and condescending looks. “Serena, you’ve never worked a day in your life.” Serena, you're an idiot.
Jenny's freedom speech is never going to work.
"Sandals are not shoes."
Tory Burch, Georgina Chapman, and Todd Diciurcio could all win Oscars next to Tyra Banks.
And if she wants a job in fashion so badly, why doesn’t she work for Eleanor Waldorf?
Serena WOULD give Olivia the heads up on the back entrance, only to follow it up with WHY she knows where it is. “They were following me around for a while…” Just in case you didn’t know that I’m important. I’m important.
A socialite going into publicity? Even more realistic than a socialite going into fashion.
Ah, they’re back in Blair-wear. How did she regain control that quickly?
FINALLY, Nate’s coming into his own. That might be the best acting Chace Crawford's ever done.
And I'm relieved that he doesn’t look like he’s going to play canasta with Rose and Dorothy, but his hair still isn’t up to snuff. At least it’ll be winter soon, and he looks good in a ski cap.
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah She's only been on the screen for 15 seconds and I want to gauge my eyes out and shove an ice pick in my ears. Don’t they have a director? Is he too afraid to say anything to her? I would be, she’s huge.
They're best friends now and had a slumber party and now they're gabbing in their p.j.'s?
Chuck and Jenny in cahoots?
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah Good LORD she's so BAD. "Serena can you help me? Serena can you help me with my hair? Serena, please, I need help with my hair.” They do have a director, right? I wonder how bad it was before, that this is what they settled on.
First of all, she'd have hair and makeup. Secondly, is she supposed to be as stupid in this role as she is in real life? She's relying on an 18-year-old she met 24 hours ago for hair tips and emotional support?
I hate to see Blair lower herself to being the pathetic college freshman who comes back to high school to feel superior, but really ends up feeling even worse because it’s so pathetic, but I miss the annual sleepover, too.
This whole scene is pretty great for Lily. At least she’s trying to be a mom. She’s not actually making her go to college, but she is pointing out how stupid she is, and that’s what we all want to do, so thanks, Lil.
"…a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an ivy league education."
What do you mean you've become friends with her? You met her YESTERDAY.
"This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and connections...why else would she hire an 18 year old with no skills and no college degree."
"Maybe because she believes in me."
Ha, teenagers are stupid.
Am I supposed to believe that Dan walked around the city with this girl, with everyone staring and taking pictures, and then runs into her at the movie premiere, and it still takes him a full minute to stutter until he puts it all together?
AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Oh my God, this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Ok, she’s gone. For now.
"And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
Ah.
Why is he sitting in the theater alone? And she’s wandering around alone in the empty theater, too? And do we really need to do this? Do we need to hear her say AGAIN that she wants to be normal? WE GET IT.
"Aren't you Blair Waldorf?"
Thank God.
"Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."
AGAIN with the “I just want to be normal.” Try talking about something other than how hard it is to be normal. THAT would be normal.
"Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go ivy and are now find ourselves wasting away in a patchouli-scented purgatory."
"Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that means she’s back again) UGH, she does this “I’m so wise, listen to me” voice when she kicks someone off Top Model. Now she’s giving her motherly advice and telling her to find herself? She was relying on Serena to keep her from jumping off a bridge like 8 hours ago. (for the record, the only reason I ever watched Top Model is because we used to do a pool at work before we all got sick of watching girls who could never be models try to pose in underwater in a gorilla costume, while listening to Tyra talk about herself.)
Aw, Vanessa's so vulnerable. She’s so real.
Dan’s about to endure a lot of disappointment if blond girl in a fedora gets him every time.
Ok, so everyone found themselves except Serena, who was the only one really looking. For now she’s going to stay at Blair’s and hang out with Dorota. Maybe she’ll learn how to say “cleavage” in Polish.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Holy crap, I want to hang out with this dude
This guy’s a career criminal and I don’t think it’s ok to steal or anything, but the crimes he’s on trial for consist of putting his finger in his pocket and probably saying something like, “stick ‘em up!” so he doesn’t seem that scary.
The Daily News says: The source described Tackman's alleged crimes as "hit-and-run retail robberies" during which he put a finger in his pocket to make it look like he had a gun.
His finger in his pocket. Like a 50’s cops-and-robbers skit. He’s facing a life sentence at Riker’s. (Hey, what happened to that guy who kidnapped and raped a little girl? The first time he did it, or the second time that he did it after he was released from prison for the first time he did it?) Ok, I guess he had some other violations on his record also, but they won’t tell us what they are. Judging from his robberies, maybe he spiked the punch at prom, or tickled his kid sister until she cried.
Anyway, the point is, he escaped Manhattan Supreme Court this morning, which sounds like something that should be relatively difficult to do, but some court officer was no match for his finely tuned skills of wearing clothes and walking.
Tackman, who had been awaiting trial on Rikers Island, was "impeccably dressed" in a jacket and tie when he arrived for a pre-trial hearing on the 13th floor, the source said.
Somehow, Tackman managed to sneak down two flights to a holding area for prisoners awaiting trial - and where a court officer mistook him for a lawyer, according to the source.
"Counselor, what are you doing here?" the officer asked, the source said.
"The officer didn't even challenge him," the second source said. "He just walked out."
This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone, because apparently he’s tried to escape before. And in really fun and exciting ways!
Once, Tackman commandeered a corrections bus and tried to drive to freedom. "The guy is a legend," the source said.
In September 1985, Tackman was described as an "escape artist" by a corrections official after he tried to shoot his way out a prison van using a rubber-band powered zip gun fashioned out of metal tubing and a comb."
A RUBBER-BAND POWERED ZIP GUN FASHIONED OUT OF METAL TUBING AND A COMB. I’m starting to agree with the source. Fasten your seatbelts, he’s just getting warmed up.
In an earlier escape attempt, Tackman briefly took over another prison van by brandishing a "extremely realistic" but bogus gun carved out of soap.
Tackman made the guards stop the van and throw out their guns. Then he forced them to get in the back, where he locked them up with the other prisoners.
HOLY SHIT! This guy seems like he knows what he’s doing, so he could probably shank these cops and be done with it, but he made a f-ing fake soap gun instead. He never uses violence. He’s like Nic Cage’s character in ConAir. Maybe he robbed those stores to feed his family, anyone think of that?
Either way, he's running around the city right now, and don't worry, if I see him, I'll call the cops. Right after I give him a big high five, cause that shit's crazy.
Monday, September 28, 2009
GG 9.28.09: "Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."
Gossip Girl Season 3: The Lost Boy
Sabotage and evil are back this week, let us rejoice. Also, I've found joy in pausing any scene that Blair is in and reveling in her superb acting skills. Even transition facial expressions are priceless. She's a lunatic and I love her with all my heart.
AAAAh, we all just reacted the exact same way! Even Dan's new 'roid shoulders can't take the sting out of seeing him on top of Georgina. And it's not just because she's a spiteful, vicious little thing who tried to destroy my darling Serena. Michelle Trachtenberg bugs the bejesus out of me.
And by the way, I had to look up how to spell her crazy last name, and one of the movies in post-production on her IMDB list is called A Couple of Dicks. I'm just sayin.
"Feel free to hit the trail all you want." Ew.
"From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall, even for you." Mmmm hmmmm.
Is she talking like they're a couple? She's nuts, but she's still a 19 year old girl. And 19 year old girls are dumb. I wasn't, of course, because I'm far too mature for that sort of behavior, but I know girls who were.
Fantastic Dan delivery #1 of the night when he runs into Serena in the hall.
"Oh, of course."
Subtle, yet brilliant.
They keep putting Rufus and Scott in almost matching shirts. It doesn't make them look alike. Nice try. I see right through you, wardrobe.
Eric and Jenny! And Eric comes back with a vengeance.
"oh wow, 72 Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira."
"I'd just check to make sure there's not an ice pick under the bed." At first I thought she said "make sure there's an ice pick under the bed" like, because she's so cold and icy, he'd have to...nevermind. I think it would have been better, though.
Carter says he wasn't at Brandy Library last month and I believe him. Something's amiss.
"Mistaken identity?"
"Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."
Vanessa's really trying to get to the bottom of this Scott thing. She's so paranoid.
"My last boyfriend told me his dad invented the battery." haaaaaaa, what? Is that impressive? The battery? Lacee and I once told 2 guys at a bar in Austin that she was Harry Winston's granddaughter and that my enormous (and obviously fake) cocktail ring was my graduation gift from the family. Now THAT is impressive. Have I used that story before? I think I have.
Oh, the mail drop. I hate the mail drop. Oh look, she found something that she hadn't seen before.
Are we to believe that an exclusive secret society sent out invitations on that heinous gold rose stationary and didn't so much as hire a calligrapher or have them printed or...have someone write them who isn't 8 years old? Blair's not that stupid, but she is desperate and desperate always wins. I think we all know that from experience. Not me, of course, but other people.
And also, NYU has an exclusive secret society? Do they? NYU's not Yale, but what do I know about secret societies. I do know that if you were a Skull and Bones member, you're not giving away any of their secrets. Trust me. I know someone and he won't tell me a damn thing. He tried to get me to show him the top secret Pi Phi handshake, but I'm not telling if you're not telling. To the grave!
Uuuuuuugh...Golden Girls hair and the bunny. Does she look like a bunny or a mouse? Maybe it's a mouse. She's dating Nick Swisher in real life, which I guess is ok with me. He gets really excited on the field, so I like him, and she's not famous enough to be an asshole yet, so they're probably tolerable.
Scott just told Vanessa that he's her best friend's brother and he's been lying this whole time and THAT'S HER REACTION? "Oh my God." She raised her eyebrows, i guess she's surprised.
"And your parents said that you were dead."
"That was my little brother...why would they do that?"
Why are they both so calm?
"I came to apologize."
"So apologize."
"That was it."
SEE, Dan knows the appropriate level of reaction to things.
"Right...Rufus...yeah, I'll be there." OH Rufus. Your dad. right.
So they typed in "Scott Soccer Lions Boston" and came up with his senior soccer photo? Wow. Maybe they used Bing. Is Bing that good?
WHY is Vanessa not totally skeeved out by this? She's a "filmmaker" from Brooklyn, maybe she's just stoned all the time.
Nate and the...whatever small animal I've decided she most resembles...are really just superfluous.
"My Bottegas...where are they?"
It must be a dress up occasion, Scott put on a striped shirt and Dockers. Fancy.
And the winner for my favorite scene this week: Serena winning the auction. "WHAT?"
Scott's not even going to tell him now? After all that? Well, THIS TIME Rufus matches Dan, so he couldn't find out today anyway, no one would believe it.
Aw, they're sabotaging people as a couple. I think it's cute.
"3 bottles of '95 Dom on his hotel room service bill."
"the warrant...well, he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th precinct tomorrow."
The 24th precinct is on the west side. Chuck knows someone across the park?
"Finally...what happened in Santorini?"
AW, Carter was looking for her dad. I knew I liked him.
What the hell is Bree going to do with this information? I hope she turns out to be bad. If I have to look at her mouse face all season, it'd better be worth it.
OH, Blair believes in Chuck.
Her friend Devon was a member at Dartmouth? Didn't the assistant from earlier say she had an MBA from Tuck? Maybe I'll become a detective.
Cool things off? Take a break? Ah, college. And her wallpaper is the two of them at the rooftop party. So so true.
"BTW, when your lease at the Empire Hotel isn't renewed, thank Bright Eyes here."
Not to get too technical or anything, but I don't think Chuck has that much pull with the board.
Oh GOD, did Vanessa buy that purple and lime plaid shirt for him or has he just been hanging out on the LES too much?
And wow, Vanessa's a pretty good crier. Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker used to try to cry in Sex and the City, but she couldn't work up a single damn tear, so she'd just put her hands over her face and say "boo hoo hoo"? Hey, remember when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy for Sex and the City? GAH
Oh no, Georgina knows about Scott now. We're never going to get rid of him. Maybe he's more believable in Boston.
Miike Snow again? I like that album, too, but spread the love around, CW. Is someone sleeping with one of them?
He looked for her dad, and chased her down on a horse, and he loves her for who she is. It's heartwarming. And look at that smile. The only way I could love Carter Baizen any more right now is if they brought hipster artist douche Aaron Rose back and he strangled him to death with his hipster artist douche scarf.
OH mouse face IS evil (what'd Carter do to the Buckley's?) and Georgina's still REALLY evil. Yay.
Brace yourself, Tyra's on next week. Maybe don't eat until after you watch.
Sabotage and evil are back this week, let us rejoice. Also, I've found joy in pausing any scene that Blair is in and reveling in her superb acting skills. Even transition facial expressions are priceless. She's a lunatic and I love her with all my heart.
AAAAh, we all just reacted the exact same way! Even Dan's new 'roid shoulders can't take the sting out of seeing him on top of Georgina. And it's not just because she's a spiteful, vicious little thing who tried to destroy my darling Serena. Michelle Trachtenberg bugs the bejesus out of me.
And by the way, I had to look up how to spell her crazy last name, and one of the movies in post-production on her IMDB list is called A Couple of Dicks. I'm just sayin.
"Feel free to hit the trail all you want." Ew.
"From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall, even for you." Mmmm hmmmm.
Is she talking like they're a couple? She's nuts, but she's still a 19 year old girl. And 19 year old girls are dumb. I wasn't, of course, because I'm far too mature for that sort of behavior, but I know girls who were.
Fantastic Dan delivery #1 of the night when he runs into Serena in the hall.
"Oh, of course."
Subtle, yet brilliant.
They keep putting Rufus and Scott in almost matching shirts. It doesn't make them look alike. Nice try. I see right through you, wardrobe.
Eric and Jenny! And Eric comes back with a vengeance.
"oh wow, 72 Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira."
"I'd just check to make sure there's not an ice pick under the bed." At first I thought she said "make sure there's an ice pick under the bed" like, because she's so cold and icy, he'd have to...nevermind. I think it would have been better, though.
Carter says he wasn't at Brandy Library last month and I believe him. Something's amiss.
"Mistaken identity?"
"Obviously. You know I take my scotch neat."
Vanessa's really trying to get to the bottom of this Scott thing. She's so paranoid.
"My last boyfriend told me his dad invented the battery." haaaaaaa, what? Is that impressive? The battery? Lacee and I once told 2 guys at a bar in Austin that she was Harry Winston's granddaughter and that my enormous (and obviously fake) cocktail ring was my graduation gift from the family. Now THAT is impressive. Have I used that story before? I think I have.
Oh, the mail drop. I hate the mail drop. Oh look, she found something that she hadn't seen before.
Are we to believe that an exclusive secret society sent out invitations on that heinous gold rose stationary and didn't so much as hire a calligrapher or have them printed or...have someone write them who isn't 8 years old? Blair's not that stupid, but she is desperate and desperate always wins. I think we all know that from experience. Not me, of course, but other people.
And also, NYU has an exclusive secret society? Do they? NYU's not Yale, but what do I know about secret societies. I do know that if you were a Skull and Bones member, you're not giving away any of their secrets. Trust me. I know someone and he won't tell me a damn thing. He tried to get me to show him the top secret Pi Phi handshake, but I'm not telling if you're not telling. To the grave!
Uuuuuuugh...Golden Girls hair and the bunny. Does she look like a bunny or a mouse? Maybe it's a mouse. She's dating Nick Swisher in real life, which I guess is ok with me. He gets really excited on the field, so I like him, and she's not famous enough to be an asshole yet, so they're probably tolerable.
Scott just told Vanessa that he's her best friend's brother and he's been lying this whole time and THAT'S HER REACTION? "Oh my God." She raised her eyebrows, i guess she's surprised.
"And your parents said that you were dead."
"That was my little brother...why would they do that?"
Why are they both so calm?
"I came to apologize."
"So apologize."
"That was it."
SEE, Dan knows the appropriate level of reaction to things.
"Right...Rufus...yeah, I'll be there." OH Rufus. Your dad. right.
So they typed in "Scott Soccer Lions Boston" and came up with his senior soccer photo? Wow. Maybe they used Bing. Is Bing that good?
WHY is Vanessa not totally skeeved out by this? She's a "filmmaker" from Brooklyn, maybe she's just stoned all the time.
Nate and the...whatever small animal I've decided she most resembles...are really just superfluous.
"My Bottegas...where are they?"
It must be a dress up occasion, Scott put on a striped shirt and Dockers. Fancy.
And the winner for my favorite scene this week: Serena winning the auction. "WHAT?"
Scott's not even going to tell him now? After all that? Well, THIS TIME Rufus matches Dan, so he couldn't find out today anyway, no one would believe it.
Aw, they're sabotaging people as a couple. I think it's cute.
"3 bottles of '95 Dom on his hotel room service bill."
"the warrant...well, he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th precinct tomorrow."
The 24th precinct is on the west side. Chuck knows someone across the park?
"Finally...what happened in Santorini?"
AW, Carter was looking for her dad. I knew I liked him.
What the hell is Bree going to do with this information? I hope she turns out to be bad. If I have to look at her mouse face all season, it'd better be worth it.
OH, Blair believes in Chuck.
Her friend Devon was a member at Dartmouth? Didn't the assistant from earlier say she had an MBA from Tuck? Maybe I'll become a detective.
Cool things off? Take a break? Ah, college. And her wallpaper is the two of them at the rooftop party. So so true.
"BTW, when your lease at the Empire Hotel isn't renewed, thank Bright Eyes here."
Not to get too technical or anything, but I don't think Chuck has that much pull with the board.
Oh GOD, did Vanessa buy that purple and lime plaid shirt for him or has he just been hanging out on the LES too much?
And wow, Vanessa's a pretty good crier. Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker used to try to cry in Sex and the City, but she couldn't work up a single damn tear, so she'd just put her hands over her face and say "boo hoo hoo"? Hey, remember when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy for Sex and the City? GAH
Oh no, Georgina knows about Scott now. We're never going to get rid of him. Maybe he's more believable in Boston.
Miike Snow again? I like that album, too, but spread the love around, CW. Is someone sleeping with one of them?
He looked for her dad, and chased her down on a horse, and he loves her for who she is. It's heartwarming. And look at that smile. The only way I could love Carter Baizen any more right now is if they brought hipster artist douche Aaron Rose back and he strangled him to death with his hipster artist douche scarf.
OH mouse face IS evil (what'd Carter do to the Buckley's?) and Georgina's still REALLY evil. Yay.
Brace yourself, Tyra's on next week. Maybe don't eat until after you watch.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
You should probably start freezing eggs
Today is Anna's 30th birthday. I don't know what that might feel like, because I still have my youth, but she's handling it well.
We met at a frat party when we were 18. It went like this:
Hi.
Hi.
Aren't you on my hall?
Yeah, I think so, I'm Melissa.
Hi, I'm Anna.
Hi...
So...
Yeah...
Let's dance.
We do a pretty fantastic nervous-freshman reenactment of that. One day we'll make it into a short film, but use your imagination for now. There's lots of awkward gesturing and my hair's blond.
A girl named Molly invited me to that party. She turned out to be really crazy and kind of trashy, but that night she served her purpose as far as I'm concerned. (I'm probably not the only one at that party whose purpose she served.)
Anna, happy 30th. I love you. Because you're a good person.
Mnw: oh nooooooooooo
adu-------: what??
Mnw123: Liz is moving here
Mnw123: and just emailed me
Mnw123: to help her
adu-------: smith!!?!?
Mnw123: yes
adu-------: ignore
Mnw123: dude...really?
Mnw123: can i just ignore it??
adu-------: you live in a huge city...you will never see her
***Names have been changed to protect the...ok, "innocent."
Sorry...and WOW
I apologize for last night's GG post being a little...boring. I'll say it, it was boring. I was tired and my beloved little monsters suffered for it, because I couldn't do them recap justice.
Anyway, holy shit. THIS
was in this lady's neck.
and here she is.
She's alive, is my point. Really puts a boring Gossip Girl post into perspective, huh?
Anyway, holy shit. THIS
was in this lady's neck.
and here she is.
She's alive, is my point. Really puts a boring Gossip Girl post into perspective, huh?
GG 9.21.09: For people like us, a college degree is just an accessory...like a Malawi baby or a poodle
People always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now I know what I had. I had Eric and Jenny. And belts. And big fancy breakfasts.
Apparently Eggo's got some money to spare these days, and somehow the Humphreys don't, because all there is to eat in that loft are waffles. It's like when JJ and I were in college and the only thing our entire apartment were turkey dogs and Stove Top. I don't know if they're trying to make a point or if they forgot that they're billionaires now, but Dan ate a dry one on the run to NYU, then made Serena a stack the next day, and Rufus forced them on Chuck a day later. Someone go to the store, those carbs are killer.
That said, a few great lines, Dan's always fantastic delivery and Blair's superb facial expressions almost made up for the snoozefest that is Nate and Bree's forbidden and totally passionless day in bed. Hey, writers, remember when things were "mind-blowingly inappropriate"? We liked it that way.
Dorota's back just in time to give Blair her back to school headband! Thank God.
"Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public school girls...there's a place for that and that's in the back of a video store."
I lived in the dorm freshman year, and trust me, there's nothing "back of the video store" about a communal dorm shower.
"The only queens at NYU are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall."
Hey now, that is such a stereotype. I had friends who went to see Liza and they're...ok, they're gay.
"I trust that you know what you're talking about when you say to never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin."
I saw Daniel Baldwin on a plane once. He wasn't even sitting in first class and he looked like shit. Maybe that was Stephen, now that I think about it. Which one gained 50 pounds and stopped showering?
Dan's got fans at NYU already? And she's got a writing group that Dan can join?! Well hoooow convenient.
Hahaha, did Dan just almost spit his coffee out at the sight of Vanessa and Scott making out, or was Scott trying to convincingly read a line?
Oh, Serena's not going to Brown and she's going to stay with chuck? He's a considerate boyfriend AND a reliable step brother now?
"I assume you need a few ounces of study aid for Brown." At least his drug habit's intact. And is that a pinky ring? I don't think so, wardrobe.
"It's obvious none of you are from New York...Riverdale doesn't count."
HA, awww. "I read Marquee!" Aww.
Headbands are in the gift bags.
"Look, sis, for people like us, a college degree is just an accessory. like a Malawi baby or a poodle."
His dealer's in St. Bart's this week? Do drug dealers vacation in St. Bart's?
HA, Georgina's got her meds straightened out. It does make a difference.
Gaaaaah, can we lose his Nate/Bree thing already? His family doesn't like her family! And vice versa! Groundbreaking. Never been done.
OH no, S, SHUT UUu--she ruined it. Now she's bitchy AND stupid? Ok, she's always been kind of stupid.
Chuck saying "trainwreck" under his breath really does hurt.
Blair's facial expressions this week are unmatchable. UNMATCHABLE.
Vanessa WOULD make a documentary about a community garden. "When that gang member picked up his first carrot..."
VIP to VD? WHAT?
"Thank you for the waffles." See? I'd say they're using Eric's waffle iron, but they're clearly Eggos and Dan pulled the first one out of the toaster, so they're not even pretending they're not.
Ah, Carter's beltless tab front pants make me want a mint julep.
"I learned everything i know about women from Judy Bloom's Forever." Aaaahahaha. I'm not laughing, I was making fun of the dork literary club having a bonding moment over Judy Bloom and Dan's new shoulders.
Awwwwwww. She's motivated by evil and I still want to hug her when she has to ask Dan to take her to the party. I'm such a good person. So is Dan.
(But if he touches another headband, I might cry.)
"With your mother's LL Bean catalog?" Ew. You can't make this storyline entertaining. Nice try. And Nate saved his boarding pass? Because he wanted to remember the first time they met? First of all, gross. And guys don't do that.
Why do Carter and Chuck always use each other's full names? Carter...OH Baizen, Carter BAIZEN. Ok.
WHOA Scott. Don't question his professor recommendations! If you do it one more time, Katie, he might lock you in a room and force you to listen to him practice monologues.
hahahaha...the Jesus camp kids came to the city with zero notice to convert NYU students with tambourines? of course they did, what else are they doing on a Saturday night?
Did Rufus just say "safe place" like a therapist?
"The minute you cross 14th street, people forget there's a class system."
It's true, I used to live downtown and no one ever listened to me.
Tender in-bed Chuck and Blair moment? This isn't going to be popular, but I kind of appreciate their vulnerable sides. I know, I know.
OH NOOOOOOOOO!!! A few months ago, Anna IMed me and told me that a girl in her office used the word "download" to mean "inform" or something and I really hoped wasn't a new slang term and DAMMIT.
Vanessa, so you can do WHAT? "Download about the epicness of last night." Download? I hate kids.
Good, Serena and Carter. I know this will go sour next week, but I love love.
Oh, and Dan and Georgina kissed. Ooooooooooh.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Julia Roberts would never let this happen
I didn’t know about this until Jeremy brought it to my attention, because I was too busy watching videos on CollegeHumor or something equally as intellectual, and HOLY SHIT, this is a damn real life Erin Brockovich. Wait, that story was real life, too. Well, whatever…Erin Brockovich…in a different state, with different chemicals or something, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. The point is, there are coal mines in Prenter, West Virginia that are dumping all kinds of crap into the water and now 6 people in 10 houses near the mines were diagnosed with brain tumors and you can’t bathe in it without getting rashes and burns. SIX people in ONE neighborhood with BRAIN TUMORS.
I already said I’m not a scientist (I should maybe think about it, though, I think I could pull off nerdy glasses and a lab coat) so don’t take my word for it, but that seems suspicious. Water that gives people chemical burns seems iffy, too, but what do I know, maybe they’re just being babies. “Water shouldn’t be toxic and give you cancer...wah wah wah.” Picky picky.
The article is here. I don’t know how this stuff actually happens, because we live in America in 2009 and water shouldn’t kill you, but the secret’s out, so somebody fix it already. You don’t just watch someone get eaten by a lion and do nothing to stop it, do you? Well, it’s a lion, I don’t know, that’s really scary. Anyway, you get my point.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
GG 9.14.09: At least Tyra wasn't in it
Summer's over for the little monsters. And it's over for us, too! It's so real. The Humphrey clan and Eric hung poolside in the Hamptons all summer and somehow managed to not get the slightest bit of a tan, and Dan apparently spent every day in the gym instead of getting a haircut.
Serena looked for her dad and Tara Reid-ed around the world (AH, ew, i just involuntarily cringed when I typed her name) and Nate ditched his Zac Efron hair, which was clearly the wrong decision. He looks like a 70 year old woman who uses a shower cap to cover her hair in rain. If you wrap it in a hand towel to sleep, you only have to go to the beauty shop once a week! Just use a pick to fluff it up. Oh, and Chuck and Blair role played their way into not breaking up yet.
"No more beaches, and no more bonfires, and no more stalking the Barefoot Contessa through 1770 house"
That sounds boring, but I love her. She's so wonderfully pretentious and she's always making cocktails and arranging hydrangeas.
Why is Dan trying to make Rufus feel guilty? Everyone loves money, Dan, get off his back.
"Will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back, Kotter mug?"
And he would have a Welcome Back, Kotter mug. It sounds like something Urban Outfitters would sell. How kitschy.
"Isn't she taking a vow of silence for a month at the ashram?"
Uh, WHAT? That's Serena's alibi? Convincing.
"That Eat, Pray, Love thing of hers is great and all, i just highly doubt she can keep her mouth shut for a whole month"
First of all, can everyone cut it out with Eat, Pray, Love already? Can anyone go on vacation without referencing that book anymore? And is that supposed to be an insult? Who the hell can not talk for a month? Yeah, Dan, you're really the strong silent type.
Usually Blair wins for facial expressions, but Nate's fantastically satirical golden boy smile when the helicopter door opens FTW!
If they were going to give someone from Privileged a job when they cancelled it, it should have been one of the daughters. Joanna Garcia looks like a bunny. It sounds like it would be a good thing, because bunnies are cute, but that's not how I meant it.
There was a lot of information in this little argument.
"That right wing nut job called William Vanderbilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA." (Nice gay rights plug, writers)
"Maybe that's because William Vanderbilt called Jed Buckley a coke head and a cheater."
"What are you saying it isn't cheating if you get your Congressional aide pregnant?"
Sounds about right.
"You pulled my hair during Clinton's inaugural ball."
"Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn."
HAA, the writers are really going for it.
Ooh, their families are political enemies. It's just like Romeo and Juliet. I'm already bored.
Am I supposed to know who this girl who's hitting on Chuck is? Because I don't.
"Shame on your Ashley Henshaw, you may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney's castle in Lake Como..." Is this real, is she a real person?
"Take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!"
Abercrombie model? Do kids still wear Abercrombie? Did I just age myself out of being allowed to watch this show?
WOW, Dan found out she was lying and he's not freaking out at all? Did Rufus get him stoned on the way back to the city?
Ah, there she is. My life has meaning again.
OH here we go with this half brother nonsense. If I have to be subjected to this, could they have cast someone who can speak convincingly? I could play Scott better than this kid. Is he someone's nephew or something?
Lily ordered breakfast for them from out of town? How thoughtful and selfless. Sounds just like her.
"Glad i have the number for City Harvest." That reminds me to sign up to volunteer. That'll never happen, but I like to pretend like it might.
"A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like...one...season."
I missed you, Dan.
"The benefits of Bikram? 10 easy steps to colon cleanse?"
"Turns out Goop is good for something"
Oh nooooooooo, plug for Goop? Was that a plug or a slam?
"Sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think i had the whole Ivanka thing?"
"I know what you did this summer. And who. Cristiano Ronaldo. I hope you got your shots before you traveled."
Cristiano Ronaldo? That's who she's coyly smiling about? Gross. He wears more jewelry than I do, and his facial expressions look like he's posing for the cover of a porn DVD.
Oh, Vanessa, quit whining about Dan having money. (I would do the same thing, but I'm petty and jealous and she should be above that.) He's got like 15 hundreds in his new wallet, just stop crying and see if he wants to go shopping.
"Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don't even know why they make them."
They also make $1,000 bills. A $1,000 bill used to be worth $2,000. I only remember that because my friend's dad once told me that and we made jokes about paying for your $1,000 bill with your 2 other $1,000 bills. It was funny at the time.
"We can do Brooklyn things, like go to the dumpling truck and play signed or unsigned in the promenade."
I haven't been to the promenade all summer. Dan and I have so much in common.
OH, he's taking the limo. The horror.
Blair being needy and desperate and Chuck being sweet, is all really beginning to freak me out.
OMG, this guy is TERRIBLE. I can't take this, I'm going to have to turn the closed caption on whenever he's in a scene from now on.
"Needs a sandwich.
Adam's apple!
Catalog!
None of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them."
"It looks...smaller" The spacious million dollar loft looks so much smaller. Heartbreaking.
"I'd really like to not use my imagination when it comes to these pictures"
"You don't have to look close enough."
Don't say that to your dad about your ex-girlfriend.
Serena's worried what Carter might do? Really?
I didn't know what they were going to do with the second line of the song with the Miike Snow Plastic Jungle intro to the polo match, but they changed it. You can't say the F word on the CW.
Aw, Jenny's so excited about having her very own name card.
Alexandra Richards? I guess Theodora was busy.
How COULD he tell it was Dan? It's his back. And I know Vanessa is supposed to be dirty Brooklyn and everything, but did they have to give her dreads? At the polo match?
Oh look they put them in the same shirt, so we'd know they're supposed to look alike. We get it, Wardrobe, they're related.
AHhahahaha, she's taking off on one of the horses? She can't be tamed.
This Buckley storyline is boring me already. Her family's not talking to her because she went to Europe and missed a wedding? I missed my cousins wedding a few years ago and everyone still talks to me.
Ok, so her dad blew her off. I'm bored with that, too. And Carter's a good guy now? I kind of believe him. I'm so naive.
"I don't care if you're rich, which you aren't, by the way."
Oh gross, she kissed him. At least it stops him from trying to read his lines.
Oh, she WANTS to be in the tabloids. Oh, the twist. No one saw that coming.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Of course
I know everyone’s already talked about this and I’m embarrassingly late, but honestly, is Kanye West mentally ill? I’m totally serious. Is he? Even TANKED, no one could think this was an ok thing to do. Who is malicious enough to do something like this? Charles Manson? Hitler? So, mentally ill people. And of all people to mess with, holy crap. People who are as sweet as Taylor Swift usually annoy me, because it’s almost always fake, but she’s the most adorable and loveable thing since that sneezing baby panda, and she’s totally sincere. Someone should dress him up as a girl and make him talk shit to Chris Brown. And take your sunglasses off, asshole, you’re inside.
Another guest room bites the dust
The last time this happened I was a little overwhelmed, but I think my brain is starting to get the hang of this now. Yesterday, no person. Today, whole new person. Just out of thin air. It’s like magic. No bunny. Bunny. Karee had her baby this morning, is what I’m getting at. When she sent the first sonogram picture, my response was “There’s a child in your stomach.” A CHILD in your STOMACH. Or, not your actual stomach, but you get my point. If you really think about it, that’s wild. Anyway, today he came out and I’m pretty excited about it.
Riggs, I’ll see you in a couple of months and I can’t wait. You’ll love New York, it doesn’t sleep either.
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