Well, as I suspected, Tyra’s horrifyingly awful performance almost completely ruined back-to-Constance day for me. I will never understand how she’s the least bit successful at anything other than modeling, or how an entire group of network executives not only makes it through meetings without throwing her off a building, but actually gives her more than one show, but by some act of Satan, she’s all over TV and now she’s invaded my beloved Gossip Girl.
I won’t let her win, though. Lily made her always-pretentious return and brightened my dark, Tyra-infested day.
Dan spends 90% of his time with his girl best friend and his little sister and he's NEVER heard the name of the teen vampire movies? I've never seen a second or read a page of Twilight, but I sure as hell know who Kristin Stewart is. That's her name, right?
At least Hilary Duff gets to play a huge star, in her a small guest starring role that she landed because she’s not busy doing anything else.
Of course Dan "forgot his wallet." Yeah, I've heard that before, Brooklyn.
"That's incredibly nice."
$1.50? Is $1.50 incredibly nice? The other day, my metrocard ran out at the 8th and 15th entrance, where there’s no machine to buy one, and a guy gave me a swipe so that I wouldn’t have to go across the street. It was really nice, but the word “incredible” didn’t come to mind. And that's $2. If it were 1910, $1.50 might be incredibly nice.
"What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?"
"Oh, that's disturbing"
I miss the girls of the steps (even these strangers) and their theme outfits to coordinate with the queen.
“Go wash your eyes.” How can she realize how ridiculous they look, and not know that she looks like she’s been on a 5 day coke binge? And why doesn’t Eric tell her? That’s what gay friends are FOR.
And also, why do some people have to wear uniforms and Jenny gets to dress like 80s Madonna?
Rufus doing Lily impressions is fantastic. His defeated “OH, Serena.” Is spot on.
Why is Lily not immediately shocked that Serena's still at home? Eh, who cares, I’ve missed her and her wonderfully pretentious tone and condescending looks. “Serena, you’ve never worked a day in your life.” Serena, you're an idiot.
Jenny's freedom speech is never going to work.
"Sandals are not shoes."
Tory Burch, Georgina Chapman, and Todd Diciurcio could all win Oscars next to Tyra Banks.
And if she wants a job in fashion so badly, why doesn’t she work for Eleanor Waldorf?
Serena WOULD give Olivia the heads up on the back entrance, only to follow it up with WHY she knows where it is. “They were following me around for a while…” Just in case you didn’t know that I’m important. I’m important.
A socialite going into publicity? Even more realistic than a socialite going into fashion.
Ah, they’re back in Blair-wear. How did she regain control that quickly?
FINALLY, Nate’s coming into his own. That might be the best acting Chace Crawford's ever done.
And I'm relieved that he doesn’t look like he’s going to play canasta with Rose and Dorothy, but his hair still isn’t up to snuff. At least it’ll be winter soon, and he looks good in a ski cap.
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah She's only been on the screen for 15 seconds and I want to gauge my eyes out and shove an ice pick in my ears. Don’t they have a director? Is he too afraid to say anything to her? I would be, she’s huge.
They're best friends now and had a slumber party and now they're gabbing in their p.j.'s?
Chuck and Jenny in cahoots?
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah Good LORD she's so BAD. "Serena can you help me? Serena can you help me with my hair? Serena, please, I need help with my hair.” They do have a director, right? I wonder how bad it was before, that this is what they settled on.
First of all, she'd have hair and makeup. Secondly, is she supposed to be as stupid in this role as she is in real life? She's relying on an 18-year-old she met 24 hours ago for hair tips and emotional support?
I hate to see Blair lower herself to being the pathetic college freshman who comes back to high school to feel superior, but really ends up feeling even worse because it’s so pathetic, but I miss the annual sleepover, too.
This whole scene is pretty great for Lily. At least she’s trying to be a mom. She’s not actually making her go to college, but she is pointing out how stupid she is, and that’s what we all want to do, so thanks, Lil.
"…a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an ivy league education."
What do you mean you've become friends with her? You met her YESTERDAY.
"This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and connections...why else would she hire an 18 year old with no skills and no college degree."
"Maybe because she believes in me."
Ha, teenagers are stupid.
Am I supposed to believe that Dan walked around the city with this girl, with everyone staring and taking pictures, and then runs into her at the movie premiere, and it still takes him a full minute to stutter until he puts it all together?
AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Oh my God, this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Ok, she’s gone. For now.
"And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
Ah.
Why is he sitting in the theater alone? And she’s wandering around alone in the empty theater, too? And do we really need to do this? Do we need to hear her say AGAIN that she wants to be normal? WE GET IT.
"Aren't you Blair Waldorf?"
Thank God.
"Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."
AGAIN with the “I just want to be normal.” Try talking about something other than how hard it is to be normal. THAT would be normal.
"Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go ivy and are now find ourselves wasting away in a patchouli-scented purgatory."
"Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that means she’s back again) UGH, she does this “I’m so wise, listen to me” voice when she kicks someone off Top Model. Now she’s giving her motherly advice and telling her to find herself? She was relying on Serena to keep her from jumping off a bridge like 8 hours ago. (for the record, the only reason I ever watched Top Model is because we used to do a pool at work before we all got sick of watching girls who could never be models try to pose in underwater in a gorilla costume, while listening to Tyra talk about herself.)
Aw, Vanessa's so vulnerable. She’s so real.
Dan’s about to endure a lot of disappointment if blond girl in a fedora gets him every time.
Ok, so everyone found themselves except Serena, who was the only one really looking. For now she’s going to stay at Blair’s and hang out with Dorota. Maybe she’ll learn how to say “cleavage” in Polish.
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I love how I read these, and love them, but don't watch the show...and it's STILL hilarious. YOU'RE NUMBER ONE! YOU'RE NUMBER ONE!
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