GG 10.19.09: "Out you cableknit queen!"

Gossip Girl: Enough About Eve



Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.

So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)

All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.

AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?

Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.

"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.

PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.

Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.

I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.

"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.

"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”

OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.

This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.

Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.

YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.

Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.

"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.

“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.

Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.

"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.

“OUT you cableknit queen!"

"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.

Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.



Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."

"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.

This is my scene!! I'm right back there.



Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?

HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?

First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.

“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.

Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.

“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.

Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.


And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together


and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.

And I thought so highly of the FOX network...

I know everyone’s seen this, but I just saw it this morning on the Today Show for the first time because I don’t care about the NFL and I was watching a girly fashion documentary and braiding Lacee's hair while we had a pillow fight and painted eatch other's nails when this aired.

Listen, I wouldn’t normally stick up for Jessica Simpson. Her “singing” is just ridiculous facial expressions and wild gesturing set to really loud whispering and breathy gasps, and she annoys me with her fake Texas accent, but if a major TV network made a cartoon entirely about me being fat and getting dumped, and then aired it during an enormously popular sporting event for the whole nation to collectively laugh at my deepest insecurities, I’d throw myself off a bridge. Actually, I used to be a swimmer, so unless I died on impact, that wouldn’t make much sense. Do you die on impact or do you just drown after you go in? This isn’t about me, maybe Jessica’s not a great swimmer, I don’t know.

The point is that FOX is run by a bunch of idiots who all somehow thought this was a good idea and who all make a lot more money than I do, and I don’t think that’s fair.

Even more alarming than any of that, is that someone was paid money to write this:

"Man, I still can't believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson, even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams!"

"Unlike Tony, at least Jessica comes up big when it counts!"

"Say Tony, is Jessica around? We could use a defensive tackle!"


You FOX guys and your jokes! What’s that, a pie? Are you going to throw that in his…OH MY GOD! He’s got pie all over his face! Let me catch my breath, this comedy is blowing my mind! You flew in from L.A. and your arms are tired? OH, I get it! You flew! Stop it, guys, it’s too much!

Everyone just needs to calm down

I just saw this on the Post website and started to write about it, but then I saw this on WWTDD and Brendon basically says everything I was going to say, except with stronger language (my mom reads this!) and more references to lesbians.

He wasn't married and he slept with an adult. Not a 21-year-old “adult.” An actual adult. She happened to work for him. He’s also 600 times funnier than Jay Leno. That doesn’t hold much water in this particular argument, but I think it deserves mentioning.

I haven’t written anything about all this nonsense before because I love David Letterman. I always have, and unless he murders my family or brings back trucker hats, I always will. I was brought up in a good home, by good parents who taught me about unconditional love. They also taught me that being funny is far more important than ethics, but I don’t really think that has anything to do with this.


Let's just say that I agree with this laid back commenter:
Do you really care if Letterman did something "bad"? Relax. Move on. Have a Mojito or do what you do to chill.

I don’t like mojitos, but…yeah, man. Chill.

GG 10.12.09: "I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."

Gossip Girl October 12, 2009: Rufus Getting Married



Ah, couples. Couples doing couple things. Helping your girlfriend put on her necklace, feeding each other (what I thought was a Starbucks muffin, but that is a generic bodega coffee cup, which is BS because a Nate and Bree wouldn’t get coffee at Halal’s)on the street, giddy IMing, and patterned silk pajama making out.

Oh, ew, Serena shouldn’t do that cutesy baby talk voice. “You spoil me.” You were already spoiled. And now you’re spoiling my dinner.

Great Dan face when Vanessa tells him to tell Georgina he’s seeing someone else.

Mouse-face trying to be sweet is reminding me of her character on Privileged and why the daughters on that show were so much better than she was.
“Do you happen to know Swahili for mind your own beeswax?”

“We're southern, so family loyalty's really big down there”
“Like slavery…”

“I know women, and none of us are that nice.”
I know some genuinely nice women. I think. Right? There’s gotta be somebody…

“Running with jeans on? It didn't chafe?”
First of all, as if Dan would have believed that in any pants. When was the last time Rufus worked out? And secondly, the thought of running in jeans is disgusting. There’s a woman at my gym who works out in jeans. With her hair down. Jeans don’t breathe and I know her neck is screaming under that over-dyed frizzy black mop, so she can’t be comfortable. She appears to be nearing 50 and I assume she played bass in some sort of sad all-girl rock band and had many more things pierced before than she does now. There are probably holes everywhere. Actually…maybe Rufus would run in jeans.

Georgina should at least attempt to hide her desperation. She went to Jesus camp, she’d have learned how to fake a pregnancy to trick a guy into staying with her. And she looks terrible in this episode.

Love Is a Battlefield

Of COURSE they've got a floormate who makes “brownies.” Finally a reference to pot. It's NYU.

”I knew I let you two watch Parent Trap too many times.”

YES! Finally, Chuck in something more ridiculous than that pinky ring. Vintage Gossip Girl.

“Why would I tell that future Nascar mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on.”

Jenny and Eric WOULD jump to the conclusion that Vanessa was in love with Dan, AND validate it with its similarity to a Rom-Com. (I’m sorry, I abbreviated in irony and it’s still makes me want to dry heave.)

“They served us wine in Welcome Back Kotter mugs.”
The origin of the welcome back kotter mug!
“I swiped Horshack for you.”
“I'm sure Mayor Bloomberg would be perfectly comfortable toasting us with a Freddie Boom Boom Washington cup. That is so you. Not us.”
OH Lily’s almost outdone her own pretentiousness in this episode. It’s wonderful.

“I’m not in love with you, you moron.”

Aw, he went there and she went to Brooklyn! They love each other. Leap! Blah. I really hate it when people say things like “let’s just leap.” What does that even mean? Let’s get married tomorrow so then we have all these issues to talk about AFTER we’re married? It doesn’t even make sense. And does Lily expect Bloomberg to come to a wedding on a day’s notice? Are they going to send out evites?

“The Whitney's a no, The Harvard Club's a no, and Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.”
I hesitate to admit this, but I once had a dream that I was dating Tom Colicchio (not THAT kind of dream, just that we were dating. I was in his apartment. He had a skateboard and I thought it was weird. He’s not a skateboard kind of guy. He’s too old for that, and frankly, a little too heavy to be doing tricks on a half pipe) and ever since then I’ve been weirdly attracted to him. Have you seen his new Diet Coke ad?

“The only time i want to hear "no" is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.”
“My family's in investment banking, they're all broke.”
“Then you can go.”
Jenny rules with an iron fist.

Hahaha, Serena with a clipboard. She’s very official.

Oh good, they can get married at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. How symbolic.
HA, new mean girls.

“What does it mean when someone used grab your ass and now doesn't?”
He used to grab her ass? Ew. And I wish they’d stop saying they “broke up.” If you hook up with someone for a week, there’s no “breaking up” because in order to “break up” you have to have been together.

Is Scott wearing a denim shirt? Is that a denim shirt? Oh, I think it’s just blue. I wouldn’t put it past him. He is Rufus’s son.



Even dressed-up Dorota and Serena’s amazing boobs don’t make up for Jenny’s Mary Kate Olsen dress. It’s a wedding, not rehab.



Lily Bass let Jenny make her wedding dress? I don’t think so. And Lily wanted to wear magenta? I really don’t think so. And why does she always wear clip on earrings?

I like how he tells Serena he owed "scary people" money. Like he’s talking to a 6-year-old.
I also like how the big deal is not that he was the kind of person that would actually con a poor girl into almost marrying him, it’s that it might mean that he doesn’t care about Serena. “did you make her breakfast, too?” Uh, no, I saved the Toaster Strudel all for you.



Oooh Oooh Love Child, things didn't get any easier.
AND heartbreak hotel?
Enough with the song titles.

Friday Night Lights reference. They’re supposed to be from Texas, we get it. I don't watch that show, but it’s filmed at my high school, so I appreciate the shout-out. Go Panthers.

“After what I did, what am I even supposed to say?”
Lily’s so clueless at parenting, I love it.

“Because I can break your heart, and that's terrifying. And i know that because right now you're breakin mine.”
"you're breakin mine"? Are those old Lincoln Hawk lyrics?

Can we give this kid a haircut if he's going to be a Humphrey?
Lily crying! and...hugging. that was weird.




“Reunited and it feels so good.”
STOP IT.

Oh gaaaaaah Sonic Youth. I hate Sonic Youth.
Juno: “I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked, it's just noise.”
She’s the smart one in that movie, remember.



"I should have guessed...no one under 40's ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk."

"See I told you, he has my nose."
“Maybe, but those are my eyebrows.”
Leave it to Eric to notice the kid’s brows.

“I'm a Buckley. As much as I like you, that's always gonna come first. It's in my blood. It's Texas.”
It’s kind of entertaining to see what the writers think about Texas. It’s a state, not a cult. I’m from Texas and I’ve only married one of my brothers. So far.

What are the big Buckley boys gonna do, beat him up? Kill him? Kneecaps? No, that’s Jersey.

HA Dorota’s in charge of the get-rid-of-Georgina plot. In a headscarf.


Well, everyone’s still in love except Nate. Even Serena’s coming around to Carter, and once the Buckley boys are done with him, she’ll forget all about that other girl he screwed over. Girls love black eyes and scars. I once dated an ex-hockey player. He wasn’t a master conversationalist, but I saw a picture of him bleeding on the ice from his hockey days, and it made stories about socks tolerable for like 6 weeks.

Kindness is sweeping the city

I got on the L train the other morning and if you don’t live in New York, or you do and for some annoying reason don’t take the subway (I hate you) then I’ll tell you this first. Subway drivers or conductors or whatever you call them, only make announcements if you’re on an old train that doesn’t have the white lady automated GPS-sounding voice to announce the stops, or there’s a some sort of “service interruption” BS and you have to take 5 trains to get from Union Square to 23rd street. So you can imagine everyone’s surprise Monday morning when we heard:

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad to see everyone looks well-rested and ready for the day…”

Uuuuh, what? In 5 ½ years I’ve never heard a subway driver say anything other than the name of a street or the word “delay.” Everyone went through this series of facial expressions: usual turn-off-my-iPod listening face, to did-he-really-just-say-that confusion face, to (the rarely seen) actually smiling and making eye contact with other subway passengers. Like, “ha, that’s weird, huh!” kind of camaraderie. He just wanted to tell us that the L trains were behind so our train wouldn’t stop until Union Square, but he topped himself and signed off with “please be kind to your fellow passengers and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.” I felt better about the state of the world all the way from Lorimer to 8th Avenue.

I only bring that up because this morning, the sanitation worker—one of the ones that clean the streets, not the ones on the trucks, I don’t know what the title of that job is—who I see almost every day on the block between the subway and my office, was particularly upbeat this morning and exchanged his usual “hello” with “what a beautiful day!” I don’t know if everyone’s on uppers or what the deal is, but I like it. Everyone should just be nice. At least to strangers who haven’t done anything to piss you off yet. Unless they're dressed badly or stink or something, you can't put up with that.


Look how nice these people are to each other. (Thanks, Reg) Maybe kindness is sweeping Dallas, too. It's a nationwide phenomenon. I'm not going to post the video, because...ew.

GG 10.5.09: "Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."

Gossip Girl 10.5.09: Dan de Fleurette


Well, as I suspected, Tyra’s horrifyingly awful performance almost completely ruined back-to-Constance day for me. I will never understand how she’s the least bit successful at anything other than modeling, or how an entire group of network executives not only makes it through meetings without throwing her off a building, but actually gives her more than one show, but by some act of Satan, she’s all over TV and now she’s invaded my beloved Gossip Girl.
I won’t let her win, though. Lily made her always-pretentious return and brightened my dark, Tyra-infested day.


Dan spends 90% of his time with his girl best friend and his little sister and he's NEVER heard the name of the teen vampire movies? I've never seen a second or read a page of Twilight, but I sure as hell know who Kristin Stewart is. That's her name, right?



At least Hilary Duff gets to play a huge star, in her a small guest starring role that she landed because she’s not busy doing anything else.



Of course Dan "forgot his wallet." Yeah, I've heard that before, Brooklyn.
"That's incredibly nice."
$1.50? Is $1.50 incredibly nice? The other day, my metrocard ran out at the 8th and 15th entrance, where there’s no machine to buy one, and a guy gave me a swipe so that I wouldn’t have to go across the street. It was really nice, but the word “incredible” didn’t come to mind. And that's $2. If it were 1910, $1.50 might be incredibly nice.

"What do you expect from a place where the men wear sandals?"

"Oh, that's disturbing"
I miss the girls of the steps (even these strangers) and their theme outfits to coordinate with the queen.
“Go wash your eyes.” How can she realize how ridiculous they look, and not know that she looks like she’s been on a 5 day coke binge? And why doesn’t Eric tell her? That’s what gay friends are FOR.



And also, why do some people have to wear uniforms and Jenny gets to dress like 80s Madonna?





Rufus doing Lily impressions is fantastic. His defeated “OH, Serena.” Is spot on.

Why is Lily not immediately shocked that Serena's still at home? Eh, who cares, I’ve missed her and her wonderfully pretentious tone and condescending looks. “Serena, you’ve never worked a day in your life.” Serena, you're an idiot.

Jenny's freedom speech is never going to work.

"Sandals are not shoes."

Tory Burch, Georgina Chapman, and Todd Diciurcio could all win Oscars next to Tyra Banks.







And if she wants a job in fashion so badly, why doesn’t she work for Eleanor Waldorf?

Serena WOULD give Olivia the heads up on the back entrance, only to follow it up with WHY she knows where it is. “They were following me around for a while…” Just in case you didn’t know that I’m important. I’m important.

A socialite going into publicity? Even more realistic than a socialite going into fashion.

Ah, they’re back in Blair-wear. How did she regain control that quickly?

FINALLY, Nate’s coming into his own. That might be the best acting Chace Crawford's ever done.



And I'm relieved that he doesn’t look like he’s going to play canasta with Rose and Dorothy, but his hair still isn’t up to snuff. At least it’ll be winter soon, and he looks good in a ski cap.



AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah She's only been on the screen for 15 seconds and I want to gauge my eyes out and shove an ice pick in my ears. Don’t they have a director? Is he too afraid to say anything to her? I would be, she’s huge.

They're best friends now and had a slumber party and now they're gabbing in their p.j.'s?


Chuck and Jenny in cahoots?



AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaah Good LORD she's so BAD. "Serena can you help me? Serena can you help me with my hair? Serena, please, I need help with my hair.” They do have a director, right? I wonder how bad it was before, that this is what they settled on.
First of all, she'd have hair and makeup. Secondly, is she supposed to be as stupid in this role as she is in real life? She's relying on an 18-year-old she met 24 hours ago for hair tips and emotional support?



I hate to see Blair lower herself to being the pathetic college freshman who comes back to high school to feel superior, but really ends up feeling even worse because it’s so pathetic, but I miss the annual sleepover, too.

This whole scene is pretty great for Lily. At least she’s trying to be a mom. She’s not actually making her go to college, but she is pointing out how stupid she is, and that’s what we all want to do, so thanks, Lil.
"…a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an ivy league education."

What do you mean you've become friends with her? You met her YESTERDAY.

"This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and connections...why else would she hire an 18 year old with no skills and no college degree."
"Maybe because she believes in me."
Ha, teenagers are stupid.

Am I supposed to believe that Dan walked around the city with this girl, with everyone staring and taking pictures, and then runs into her at the movie premiere, and it still takes him a full minute to stutter until he puts it all together?



AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Oh my God, this is worse than I ever could have imagined. Ok, she’s gone. For now.

"And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
Ah.

Why is he sitting in the theater alone? And she’s wandering around alone in the empty theater, too? And do we really need to do this? Do we need to hear her say AGAIN that she wants to be normal? WE GET IT.

"Aren't you Blair Waldorf?"
Thank God.

"Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live."

AGAIN with the “I just want to be normal.” Try talking about something other than how hard it is to be normal. THAT would be normal.

"Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go ivy and are now find ourselves wasting away in a patchouli-scented purgatory."

"Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that means she’s back again) UGH, she does this “I’m so wise, listen to me” voice when she kicks someone off Top Model. Now she’s giving her motherly advice and telling her to find herself? She was relying on Serena to keep her from jumping off a bridge like 8 hours ago. (for the record, the only reason I ever watched Top Model is because we used to do a pool at work before we all got sick of watching girls who could never be models try to pose in underwater in a gorilla costume, while listening to Tyra talk about herself.)

Aw, Vanessa's so vulnerable. She’s so real.

Dan’s about to endure a lot of disappointment if blond girl in a fedora gets him every time.


Ok, so everyone found themselves except Serena, who was the only one really looking. For now she’s going to stay at Blair’s and hang out with Dorota. Maybe she’ll learn how to say “cleavage” in Polish.