You've Got To Be Kidding

I’ve never really thought much about the whole “Big Brother” concept, not because I don’t think the government is perfectly capable of watching everything we do, I just don’t think that they’re really paying that much attention to me, so who cares. Now I’m sure this is a mere coincidence, but a few days ago, I posted this and last night I came home from Laine's wedding weekend to this in my mailbox: New York County Juror Qualification Questionnaire.

Well that’s just great. If you guys are reading this right now, and this is going to turn out like The Net with Sandra Bullock, can you make my new name something cooler than Ruth Marx? I’m really not a “Ruth.”

Tomorrow I’ll be here



There probably won’t be fireworks, though. Or snow, being that it's June. And it probably won't look like a Thomas Kinkade painting, which isn't the worst thing in the world because Thomas Kinkade paintings make me think of retirement homes. No offense, Thomas. Anyway, it'll be gorgeous and mountain-y and I know it's not the Alps, but I plan on taking the gondola up and doing a rendition of "The Sound of Music."

This weekend I’m missing two weddings (actually, one wedding and one wedding reception; I missed that wedding already) because I’m in another wedding, and that just seems excessive. Do I know enough people for it to be plausible for 3 of them to get married on the exact same day? I guess I do. Sara and Brad, I love you guys, sorry I can’t be there. I’m sending Flat Melissa with Lacee, so I’ll be there in cardboard. Chapple and Kelly, I only have one Flat Melissa.

So help me, if I come back on Monday and my coffee mug is missing again, I’m taking the law into my own hands. You won’t get away with this!

Boom Boom Pow

Apparently someone punched Perez Hilton over the weekend (not very hard, as it would seem from his cry baby picture) and I don’t know if it really was Will.I.Am’s (can he just go by Will, for God’s sake?) security guy or some crazy drunk fan, and this may sound heartless, but I really don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like fighting or anything. I think it’s stupid and ridiculous and honestly, it scares me a little bit. Have you even been near a fight and heard the sound of a punch being landed on someone’s face? It’s terrifying. And it really hurts your hand. But Perez Hilton getting smacked in the eye for calling Will.I.Am a “f-ing fa—ot” is pretty great, if you ask me. I think Perez Hilton is an ass and takes things too far, but most importantly, NOT FUNNY. He’s not funny. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why anyone reads his site when there are at the very least, 600 other celebrity sites to read, 600 of which are funnier and more entertaining. It doesn’t make any sense and I will never understand it. Like quantum physics, or why anyone thinks Miley Cyrus is cute and talented.

I'm the one in red

I think something’s wrong with my knee and dammit, this time it’s not my fault. It doesn't hurt when I run, but moving it side-to-side is a bitch. I didn't do anything to it, I swear. I’ve hurt myself on more than one occasion, so I can see how that might make sense, though.

Visiting Dallas, January 2008: I went down flat on my face like I suddenly lost all motor skills, and seriously injured myself in the parking lot of Cuba Libre in front of 50 people.

New York, March 2007: At work, I walked out of the bathroom and about the time I was right in front of the studio (meaning, everyone in the studio can see me), I started to turn the corner to talk to my friend Christian. I rolled my ankle, it slid underneath my other foot in my heels and I hit the hardwood with both knees like someone roundhouse kicked my feet out from under me. I don’t get embarrassed very easily and I might have been more embarrassed if it had been in front of people I’m not friends with, but I still looked like an idiot and turns out, landed myself in physical therapy for a month.

Waco, December 2001: Caught the heel of my shoe on the top stair in our apartment and tumbled head over feet until about halfway down and oh good, I stopped! Nope. No, I didn’t. I sailed the rest of the way to the ground and landed with all my body weight (which was a little more back then--thanks, college!) on my right hand. When I finally went to the ER the next day, the doctor came in, threw the x-ray of my wrist up on that light-up x-ray thing and said, “Oh, it’s broken.” CRAP. Then he said, “HA! It’s not broken, I’m kidding.” OH, you scared me, Doc! Followed by, “Just kidding, it really is broken.” Swear to God. That’s what he did. I wore a giant cast for months, but it got me out of talking to girls at rush parties that year. Totally worth it. BUT, it’s negatively impacted my bowling form for life as I learned a few weeks ago after work, when I bowled a 44. I also learned that night that playing games on Wii is not practice for playing them in real life. That theory is further illustrated by the fact that I’ve never played tennis in 29 years, but my Mii has mean backhand and a lightening serve.

Pick me! Pick me!

Runaway Jury was on last night and I’d never seen it, so I watched it and I started thinking…not about the ethics of our judicial system blah blah blah…I started thinking, is it weird that I’m 29 and I’ve never been summoned for jury duty?  Does the government know I exist? I know they do, they're the reason I can't afford that summer house. So what’s the deal?

What am I not good enough?  I think I’d be a really good juror.  Yeah, what the fuck, I'd be a GREAT juror.  OJ would be in prison right now, I’ll tell you that much!
Oh, he’s actually in prison now? For something concerning sports memorabilia? 

.

Finally

Got this email today.

From: ZAK MUK [mailto:zakm17@msn.com]
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 3:27 PM
Subject: YOUR PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

Attn: It was Resolved and Agreed Upon Today By The Board Members And Directors That your fund valued at $5.5Millon Will be Released To You On A Special Method Payment.via key telex transfer (KTT) -direct wire transfer OR by ATM Means,You Are Now Asked to Send Your Fullname, Address, Phone, age, to claim your fund.


Bout time.

Cleveland Rocks

Perhaps from now on, I’ll just steal things that I think are funny from my friends’ Facebook pages. My life would be so much easier. Is that true? Not really. My life is pretty easy already. If it got any easier, I’d just be in a coma.
I stole this from Anthony. He took it at a Burger King somewhere around Cleveland. Thanks, Anth.



I’ve never been to Cleveland and I don’t know anything about the city except that Drew Carey claims that it rocks and they have a politically incorrect baseball mascot (not that that bothers me, what do I care? I'm not Indi--Native American, but he's actually RED) but these guys seem to love it there.

Blair was right

I stole this from Jeff. His FB caption for it says "Probably the worst person to ever meet."


Truer words were never spoken.

I once was in the dressing room at the Urban Outfitters on 10th and 2nd around closing time when the NYU student employees were all huddled in the room next to me, sorting through the discarded overpriced boho crap, and the fact that they all made it out of there alive is damn near a miracle because listening to their whining almost sent me over the edge, like those women on that Oxygen series Snapped.

“Dude, I HAAAATE going home for the holiday break. It’s like they don’t get it. My friends that go to other schools are like all ‘We went to a frat party’ and I’m like, ‘Uh, lame!’”
“Dude, it’s so lame.”
“Yeah.”
“Totally.”

Later on they barricaded themselves in the NYU cafeteria and cried about tuition prices. (These actually aren't the same kids, but they absolutely could be. And probably are.)




You're not a character in Rent. I'm going to Whole Foods to protest the price of hummus! Oh, I'm totally free to get hummus cheaper elsewhere? This is what democracy looks like!

Things I need

These are the things I was thinking I need today:

1. A notebook. It often happens that I’m out and think, “ha, that’s funny, I should write about that.” Followed later by, “what did I think would be so funny to write about earlier?” Then I thought, what if someone found it and read it? That’s embarrassing. Ryan found a girl’s notebook at a party one time and carried it around with him for a week before he saw her to give it back to her. In that time, Lacee and I (obviously) read it. Just run of the mill notebook stuff, you know, like To Do lists.
To Do This Weekend—make impressive omelet, take meaningful walk on bridge, smoke a cigarette in a cemetery.
Verbatim.
Ryan has one, too. To this day, I’ve never been able to see even a page of Ryan’s notebook. I wonder what’s in there.

2. One of my nerd computer friends to have enough time to build this site so that I don’t have to use BS Blogger anymore.

3. A nap.


Talking about notebooks makes me think of my friend Steve's Moleskine Hack

What we've all been waiting for

I know we’ve seen Teresa throw that table over 1,000 times on the season previews, but it was pretty damn good last night even so.
“EngAGED 19 TIMES?!” That’s when she lost it. You know why? Because Danielle told her to pay attention. I know.
In Teresa’s defense, the way Danielle said it, she might as well have said “you’re the biggest idiot in this room” (I can’t think of anything more insulting) because it was pretty condescending. Also in Teresa’s defense…crap, I really wanted there to be something else. Because you know what, I like her. There, I said it. She’s as dumb as rocks, she says the word “bubbies” far too frequently, and those gremlins she calls her daughters are terrifying, but God help me, I want to squeeze her.

Give Peace a Chance

Oh man, that was fun. Everyone’s all fired up. Now let’s get zen with John and Yoko. Deep breath. Aaaaah, I feel better. I can imagine all the people living life in peace. I think that song was about blog comment sections.

DRAMA

in the comments on the last post! Weigh in, feel free. I'm enjoying this.

I'm getting Team Dave shirts made up

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Sarah Palin’s absurd and if I'm forced to listen to her whiney voice in that terrible accent, I immediately dismiss everything she says the moment it hits my ears because she's a calculating bitch and unfortunately for Alaska, not very smart, but this I just cannot ignore.

“The comment that was made about statutory rape of my 14-year-old daughter…” ?

“It would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman…” ?
(Matt asked what she meant by that...you should watch her response, her idiocy is entertaining)

I cannot physically roll my eyes enough to convey how ridiculous those statements are. David Letterman made a joke. Shocking, yes, because he’s a comedian, so it’s weird that he’d do something like that. Not in the best taste to joke about a young girl getting pregnant or being a hooker? Eh, maybe. But the Spitzer joke is really more of a slam to Spitzer than it is to Bristol, and she already got herself pregnant by some redneck named LEVI, for God’s sake, so let’s not act like a joke about A-Rod knocking her up is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.

Mug shot

To whoever stole my coffee mug off my desk while I was gone, shame. On. You. And also, thank you for not stealing my iPod. My boss described it as “the perfect crime” because they left everything of value and who the hell cares about a coffee mug? No one will ever investigate. Justice will never be served. Well you wanna know who cares about a coffee mug? Me. I do. Because now I have to use a paper cup (until I remember to buy another mug) and using that mug was one of the only “green” contributions I make. I also bought those corkscrew-looking low watt bulbs, but that was really more out of laziness because they last longer and changing light bulbs is a pain in the ass. If Leonardo DiCaprio (he’s all “green” right?) pays this office a visit and I’m drinking out of a paper coffee cup, I will find you. And take my mug back. That’s really all I can do.

This is where I’ll be tomorrow. HA.



Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I will attempt to pack 5 days worth of crap into an easy-to-carry shoulder bag because I refuse to check baggage when there’s a plane-changing situation and wheeling a suitcase up and down 300 different sets of stairs between my apartment, the F train, Penn Station and the airport, is a test of skill, patience and strength that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Which begs the question, who IS my worst enemy? Hmmm…

SPArty!

I guess it’s possible that someone who works in the…uh…industry (?) might actually read this blog and take offense, so I apologize now if that should happen. Lots of people do it, so apparently there’s someone somewhere making a ton of money and I’m sure that anti-wrinkle cream is amazing, but I can’t TAKE it anymore. If you sell Arbonne or Mary Kay or BeautiControl (look how it’s spelled wrong, how cute) or whatever the hell other pyramid scheme of lip gloss exists so that you can guilt your family and friends into buying $50 thigh exfoliator, I don’t want to buy it or sell it or smell it or lick it or put it in my eye. I don’t want to be a “consultant” and I don’t want to have a “spa party” with “my girls” to drink cosmos and put on hand cream. I just want to buy makeup from Sephora and lotion from the drug store, like a normal person. Please.

I’ve recently been privy to the happenings at one of these companies from an anonymous source who’s freelancing at one of their HQs and oh my God, it’s even better than I ever could have imagined. I don’t want to give away too much, but company-wide conventions include a lot of “empowerment”, making wishes on heart-shaped stones, and Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All.” I swear on my heart-shaped stone, I did not make that up.

I also very much enjoyed the dress code for an upcoming company outing. Please note that shorts are allowed, but there’s a length restriction for Capri pants. Wait, what? Exactly.

Dressy Walking Shorts (Men & Women) – They should be no more than two inches above the knee
Capri’s (Women) – They should fall below the knee to mid calf
Shirts (Men and Women) – Please no T-Shirts or sleeveless shirts
Shoes (Men and Women) – Comfortable but please no open toed shoes

As always, all clothing should be in good condition, pressed, and not faded.

Is that a wrinkle in your khakis? GET THE HELL OUT OF THE EMPOWERMENT CIRCLE.

Ok ok, I take it back

A while ago I talked some shit about Swine Flu, and it must have read that post and thought “she thinks that she and her friends are immune—haha, pun INTENDED (Swine Flu loves puns)—well I’ll show her,” because Rachel’s officially been diagnosed. After it infected Rachel in retaliation to my mocking, it also thought, “I really wish I could shake this nickname. It’s H1N1!” Well take it from me, Swiney, if people call you something for 30 years, that’s your name. Sorry. Melissa has been Mel for almost my entire life, it’s not going to change. Laine can’t even get people to stop calling her “Lainey.” That’s just one letter.

Actually, Rachel’s a teacher and kids are dirty and like to lick things, so that’s probably what happened. Rach, I’m so sorry you’re all flu-y and quarantined. We’ll miss you tonight. If you get really bored, run around Soho and sneeze on people.

I love you, bike

I left the apartment yesterday with no real goals for the day. Rachel’s birthday celebration at Habana Outpost, drinking margaritas and possibly getting dinner in Brooklyn. And then somewhere in the middle of all of that, something wonderful happened.

Skinner: Jeff and I want to ride to Coney Island after we leave here.
Me: I want to go, I wish I had a bike.
Jeff: Target’s 2 blocks away.

We went, we bought (I bought), we rode. I’ve been meaning to get one for a while but it never happened because I didn’t want to spend the money on it (I say that’s because I live in New York and my landlord and the city suck the money from my bank account before I ever see it, but that can’t be the case because I somehow find a way to pay for vacations and clothes and drinks. What I’m getting at is, you probably shouldn’t believe things that I say) and also because I have no place to put it. I still don’t have a place to put it, but that’s not going to change until I move into that 2.1 million dollar brownstone I've had my eye on.

Last summer there was no incentive to buy one because Jeff Allen was out of town for 2 months and I rode his bike for free and didn’t have to carry the damn thing around. It was all going fine until one day in September, riding through Brooklyn with Ryan and Tony. I had a great time that day, but my knee would argue that Jeff Allen's BMX and the sand near the curb sabotaged a nearly injury-free ride. At a stoplight somewhere in Fort Greene, my back tire hit some sand, skidded out from under me and I ate shit in front of 4 or 5 cars stopped at the red light. I think it probably looked cool, though. Plus, I got to ride the rest of the day with a bloody gash on my knee, and I know that looked cool. And then Jeff Allen came back to the city and I was again, bikeless.

Well not anymore. The Schwinn’s first ride was a good one.



The course outlined on this map is completely inaccurate, as I have no idea what streets we took because I have no sense of direction whatsoever and had I been leading, my attempts to navigate around Bed Stuy would have certainly failed and we’d all be dead now, but you get the idea. It’s far. We rode from Fort Greene to Coney Island, ate Nathan’s, rode the Cyclone, had a beer at Beer Island (that’s what it’s called, I didn’t make that up) and made it back to their apartment uninjured. Point me.