Chris Nowinski vs. the NFL

The other night I was watching “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” and the topic was the follow up to a story they did in 2007 about concussions in the NFL. The segment was actually called “Head Games,” which I appreciate. Dateline and 48 hours should borrow the pun-y segment title writers from HBO. They’re always naming their segments after Nancy Drew books, like they’re going to trick us into watching news. "The Trouble At Twin Wrecks." "The Mystery At Empire Lake." (I didn’t make those up.) It’s a real life mystery, we get it. (I’m completely full of shit, of course, because Dateline reporter Keith Morrison’s voice is chilling and I dare you to watch 3 minutes of "The Mystery At Empire Lake" and not drop everything you’re doing to find out what happened to Michele Harris. “It’s a little piece of paradise…and perhaps…a particular corner of Hell…” Oh my God, where is she?!!)

That’s not the point, though. The point is that ex-NFL players are having all kinds of dementia and depression from brain damage they sustained while playing football, so Chris Nowinski decided to look into things. He’s a less than likely candidate to head up (yep) this investigation, but if anyone knows about concussions, it’s this guy.
He played football at Harvard (so, in a tweed sport coat) and then decided to ram his head into people (and folding chairs) for a living as WWE pro wrestler. (He thought about getting a regular job after Harvard, but then he remembered that girls who live in trailer parks are super easy.)
After a few years of that, he was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome. He started investigating the link between repeated concussions and serious brain problems, and when Andre Waters killed himself, Chris took his brain to some doctor, who cut it up into slices and poked at with what I think is a martini stirrer.
In a shocking twist that only the most advanced science could have proven, it turns out that banging your head into things as hard as you can for years on end, damages your brain. They also figured out where babies come from, but I wouldn’t be too quick to believe anything until more testing’s been done.

If you want to see if you can make yourself as depressed as a veteran NFL player, watch this:

Casey Anthony is sorry

You know how Casey Anthony killed her daughter? Well she feels really bad and is ready to plead guilty. Oh, no, not for that. Sorry, that was confusing. She feels really bad for stealing some money from her friend. Because children come and go, but friends and money are forever and nothing can ever bring that $400 back.

"I just want to let everyone know that I'm sorry for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions," Anthony, 23, told the judge, referring to the check fraud. "I wish I would have been a better friend."

She's tricky. "I take full responsibility. For writing a check! HA, you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?" It’s like when your boyfriend says “I love you” and you answer by saying “I love Yoo-hoo.” It sounds the same at first, but it really doesn’t mean the same thing at all.

I think Carrie Prejean already tried this

When Jon sent me the Facebook profile picture of this unknown "young" lady:

followed by the profile picture of her husband:


we basked in the awe of two trashy douchebags finding each other and having such well-matched judgment in Facebook profile pictures. It’s comforting. A lid for every pot. An Ed Hardy trucker hat (trust me, he has one) for every sexy witch costume. What’s less comforting is clicking on Sexy Witch’s profile and seeing the words “mutual friends."

Thanks, Baylor.

A few highlights from the groups that Sexy Witch and Shirtless Doublefist belong to:

Being Conservative
Sarah Palin
Rush Limbaugh and the EIB Network

Obviously.

Love and Logic

As I've mentioned before, I like to associate myself with talented people in an effort to feel a sense of accomplishment without exerting any effort or having any talent. So in the interest of showing off (and in honor of my dad’s Adam Lambert obsession) here's Paul and his band Love and Logic's acoustic cover of Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me." If you haven't watched it, you're 91,391 people behind. Where the hell have you been all week?