The cat's the smartest one in this whole story

I’m sure this kind of thing happens all the time, but usually the cops turn the dashboard camera off before they record themselves outlining their plan to break the law. Luckily for Alexandra Something-hyphen-Something, this time they didn’t. The video is long and boring, mostly because this girl can’t figure out how to put a sentence together, but that’s also why it’s funny. Maybe she’s still drunk.

Here’s the gist: She got tanked and thought the best thing to do would be to go for a drive with a cat on her lap, because drunk driving is more exciting if you have a live animal to further distract you from not mowing people down like in Grand Theft Auto. I guess the cat decided it had a better chance at survival if it jumped out of a moving car than it did if it stayed inside with this drunk bitch behind the wheel, so she pulled over and stumbled to the side of the road to find the cat and drag it back into her death machine. While she was “looking for the cat” (throwing up jello shots), a police car rear-ended her car that was stopped in the left lane of traffic, just in time to keep her off the road before she killed an entire family or a bus full of orphans. PHEW. Unfortunately, Officer Dewey (like David Arquette’s character in Scream?) “masterminded” (ha, irony) a perfectly-thought-out plan to blame the accident on her and forgot to turn the camera off. So now the cops are suspended, the dumb bitch is totally free to do 9 car bombs before she drives her cat around, and I’m annoyed.

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If you do watch it, note that she can't even keep a straight face and around 5:10 in the video, her lawyer has to reach over and stop her from violently shaking her leg like a 4-year-old who's lying to her parents.



BTW, I’m not talking about all cops. I love cops. I think the ones who do it for the right reasons are the best people in the world. I like to be really dramatic and assume that most cops here are on the take, but in reality, my only actual interaction with the NYPD was very positive (as far as the cops were concerned). Not to mention, NYPD cops always have great cop names like Spinelli or O’Malley, and really thick New York accents. It's just like TV.