Oh, great

I usually walk to work, but today tardiness rendered that impossible, so I made a date with the L train and…UGH, this is why I don’t take the train. I ended up running into a friend of a friend, who I have zero desire to talk to at any time, and even less of a desire at 9am before coffee. I try to get past the ridiculous Southern accent that after 3 minutes is so grating (and might I add put-on…she’s lived in New York for 13 years. Chinese immigrants drop their accents faster) that’s it’s like a razor being dragged along your inner ear, because she’s always been friendly to me. And then I’m forced to be around her, and I’m reminded that I’d rather be stuck on the L train with the entire cast of The Hills than this girl. She makes fun of every person in sight (literally)—usually about their clothes, which is ironic because I’ve never seen her in anything that could have possibly been purchased after 1994.

I haven’t wanted to give someone a makeover so badly since I worked at US Foodservice and the 50 year old Merchandising VP dressed like 16 year old going to a rave. A leathery, saggy, bleach blond 16 year old. At a sales meeting once she bent down in her skintight mini skirt and Lindsay Lohan’ed the entire package to our entire sales team. We had a collective suspicion that it wasn’t an accident, but that’s another story. She once told me I needed to dress more professionally because the shirt that I was wearing with my pencil skirt and heels was sleeveless. In the summer. In Texas. In an unairconditioned food distribution warehouse. Was she hot in her leather mini and cleavage-enhancing ribbed sweater? Sure, but at least she looked “professional.” She was very concerned with “professionalism.” For example, she would frequently work out and tan during the work day and upon return, ask her 28 year old employee (and my boyfriend at the time, incidentally) to “feel her abs.” If Bravo did a Real Housewives of Austin, she would sell her children to be a cast member. Not that I think Bravo’s in the business of buying kids, but I bet they took a hit when Project Runway went to Lifetime, and reality shows about kids are pretty big on TLC. Hmmm…

Anyway, I made it to 8th Avenue without punching her, so her day is looking up.