I just threw up

If I ever become this desperate, someone shoot me. Or give me this book, tell me that I’m just like this, and then I’ll shoot myself. So Janice Lieberman is the consumer reporter on the Today show, and now that she's married, apparently a relationship expert, so she wrote a book to help women “shop for a husband.” The excerpt online is so packed full of cutesy shopping analogies (“how to get a great buy on a guy — and to get you to that checkout counter, pronto”), that I almost had to stop reading, but good thing I didn’t because the rest of it is pretty funny. I don’t think that was on purpose.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30727287/

Here we go, Janice is going to help us find a husband. I mean, she really knows how we feel. Like when she talks about dating in America compared to arranged marriages in other countries:
Are you thinking, Lucky them?
We hear you. The state of dating in America today is enough to make a girl wish the fine art of marriage arrangement weren’t a dying practice.

Yeah, totally. Wait…WTF DID SHE JUST SAY? I’m not married, and I’ve been on some bad dates (when I was 26, a guy-whose outfit was purchased entirely from Express Men, I’m almost positive-asked me when I was planning on having kids, because my I didn’t have much time left) but I don’t think I’ve ever thought, “Man, that was a bad date. I wish my parents would just make me spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t know.”

Unfortunately for whoever the hell she's talking about, we don't arrange marriages here in civilization. Don't worry, though, it's just like buying a blender.
I decided to approach dating in a smart, systematic way, as if I were making the purchase of a lifetime. Slowly but surely, and almost before I even realized it, I began to apply the rules I had learned as a consumer reporter — caveat emptor, don’t get scammed, learn where to shop, and know how to close a favorable deal — to shopping for a husband.

Ok, so I have to know what to look for, where to find it, and how to make him buy you a diamond before he changes his mind. Got it. #1. Know what makes perfectly good husband material or “PGHM.” (Who else hates unnecessary acronyms that are supposed to be cute and funny?) Hmmmm…it seems really tricky to figure out what would make someone a good person to marry. Lots of money, definitely, right? And…I think he should like movies. And music. And animals. This is confusing, I need Janice…
We’ve done the legwork for you, ladies, and we’ve uncovered exactly what it takes to be PGHM.

Phew! Oooh, the suspense. You have to buy the book to find out, but I’m guessing loyalty and honesty make an appearance. Cool car and killer abs probably don’t.

As it turns out, shopping for the typical consumer goods — a car, a bed, or a diamond ring — is really not that different from shopping for a guy.

You just haaaaad to throw “diamond ring” in there, didn’t you? Salt in the wound, Janice. And I think that if a guy wrote a book about “shopping” for a girl the way he shops for a car, Gloria Steinem would take a hit out on him.

You’ll be glad to know that I’m pretty sure I've cracked this code, so you don’t have to rush out and buy the book. What I’ve learned from this 2 page excerpt, is that with Janice's help (or your brain), you will learn how to make a list of things you want in a guy, how to recognize what makes a guy "PGHM" and, from what I gather, how to make yourself marry someone you don’t really like all that much, because he’s nice and you’re not getting any younger. And then you get married. It's like a fairy tale!