This isn't going to be fun

Holy crap, I have to move.  I’m looking forward to a new apartment—change of scenery, forced spring cleaning, all that. And I’m looking forward to leaving the old apartment. All of the things I dislike about it are relentlessly conspicuous as we near the end of our 5 years together. But in New York, the positives NEVER outweigh the negatives of moving.

Never.

Ever.

It’s a horribly unpleasant experience from beginning to end.

Thing that makes me want to cry #1: Searching through endless online listings, none of which are the bit accurate.

The moving process begins with countless hours spent looking up listings, until inevitably your brain shuts down entirely, and out of sheer exhaustion, you end up letting yourself believe that there really could be a 1 bedroom in the West Village for $1200.

Thing that makes me want to cry #2: This guy:


New York City real estate brokers are soulless criminals and someday, if there’s any justice or goodness or light in this cruel world, they will pay.

"I found you the perfect apartment.  It's $1200, and available precisely when you need it."
Well that's lucky!  Who said this was so hard?  I mean, sure, I have to take an hour out of my work day to go across town to wait another 20 minutes for a disgusting, sweaty, morally-bankrupt excuse for a human being, but THIS time, it's going to pay off. This time it'll be worth it. 
And it is! Look at this place!  I love it!  I can’t believe it’s only…wait, it's how much? The posting said $1200. And you told me $1200.  15 goddamn minutes ago.  Oh, that one was just rented.  In the last 15 minutes.  But this one's just like that one!  Just a $1,000 more.

Alright, that's it.  Next time I’m putting my foot down.

How much is it REALLY, because this is my MAX and I don’t want to look at it if it’s a penny more! It’s definitely in my price range?  Ok.  2 bedroom, lots of light. Sounds perfect!  With no choice but to believe in the good of humanity, I will again take an hour out of my work day.  I will again go across town.  I will again wait, and I will again be met with a disgusting, sweaty, cheap-suit-wearing, morally-bankrupt shell of a human being.   Well, at least I have made myself QUITE clear and there is NO WAY he can bait and switch me again.  AND…!!
This is a studio. You said 2 bedroom. The listing said 2 bedroom.  And, I specifically said "no studios" and you said, "No no, 2 bedroom.”  Oh you meant "2 rooms.  Bedroom/living room/kitchen, and bathroom. 2 rooms."  I hope you die. 

Thing that makes me want to cry #3: Getting that damn couch through the door and down 5 flights of stairs. It’s alarmingly close to physically impossible.

Thing that makes me want to cry most of all:


Forget the hassle, the cost alone is enough to find yourself thinking, “a hundred and what street? Well that’s not too bad. 9 homicides a month you say? But out of how many people? Yeah, see, it doesn’t sound so bad when you think about it that way, right? Plus it’s right by the subway and I'm a pretty fast runner...” Between the broker’s fee, 1st and last month’s rent, the deposit, truck rental, and movers, that TV commercial about selling your gold jewelry starts to sound less and less ridiculous.


That’s where I am right now.

Selling eggs is pretty lucrative, right?