I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:
r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Soulmates
I won’t reveal the identity of the person who wrote this, but she just won the award for being the only person in the world besides me to ever be in a position to write this IM:
r------: havent washed my hair since
r------: actually i cant remember
Monday, December 14, 2009
Fluffy? Snowball?
There’s a show on A&E called “Hoarders” and it’s always pretty shocking, because crazy people are scary, but holy crap, that’s a dead cat.
And there’s another one over there.
I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel.
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom. Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.
And there’s another one over there.
I guess it kind of goes without saying that if you live in piles of trash, you’re crazy, but how is this lady even alive? She hasn't had water for six years. Is that even legal? CPS took her son away when he was in 8th grade, but that didn’t really faze her. Kids are annoying, anyway. She's also lived without teeth for years, because she lost her dentures somewhere in the piles of dead animals, but don't worry, she can suck down a raw hot dog like Rachel Uchitel.
She evenly split her day between complaining, not doing any work whatsoever, and telling the volunteer who found her top denture that he'd better find the bottom. Another volunteer was forced to quit because the bathroom "situation" was literally toxic, and she still never thanked anyone when she moved back in. In her defense, she’s a lazy, disgusting waste of a human being. Is that a defense? Whatever, I'm not a lawyer.
Tiger Woods is addicted to sex with women who aren’t his wife
I understand that mental illnesses and disorders are real and that many people are affected by them. I saw A Beautiful Mind. That dude was crazy. Jennifer Connolly couldn’t even leave their baby with him, and he was putting newspaper clippings and string all over the walls and talking to imaginary Ed Harris….It was a mess. That is real. Schizophrenia is real. And it’s FREAKY. Did you see that Oprah with the schizophrenic little girl? Yikes. But now everyone’s hopping on this “addiction” and “disorder” bandwagon that makes it ok to do dumb shit because it’s not your fault. Cue this:
Tiger Woods, Sex Addict?
Is that even a real thing? I guess psychiatrists are saying it’s a real thing, but I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to matter to anyone. I don’t really care if he wants to drag it through every "cocktail waitress" in the country, but it seems unfair to get married and have 2 kids, if that’s your second-most time consuming hobby. And just to give his wife an extra punch in the face, he apparently finds condoms unnecessary while having sex with girls who have sex with lots of guys without condoms for a living. Merry Christmas, I got you AIDS.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Hi, I'm a...
Remember this? Well not anymore, suckers. I did it.
I’m so weak. I tried to be strong, but I’m no match for Justin Long and his persuasive floppy hair. I don’t have it yet, so for 3-7 more business days, I’m still uncool. After that, I’m going to put a lowercase “i” in front of everything and wear cardigans and sneakers to work. Because I’m hip. I’m a Mac. (in 3-7 business days)
*but first I'll look confused like the girl in the picture. I go to the top left to x out of a window?? What's going on?!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Hilary Duff, huh? Who knew.
I apparently missed the juiciest Gossip Girl all season last night, but I was busy and I can't just stop my life for college threesomes. I guess I could, but I'm a girl and at the very least, we pretend to be uninterested in that sort of thing. When it involves my beloved little monsters, however, I'm very very interested. Mostly because all season long the CW let the advertisers scare them out of doing anything controversial, and I'm glad to see the writers got their balls back. I know it appears to be inappropriate to have 19-year-olds engaged in threesomes on a show marketed to teenagers, but if you watch the show, you know that it's 100% ridiculous and that's the whole point. If you don't watch the show and happened to catch that one episode, then way to go! Nice timing.
For the record, that last post was a little premature, huh? I was going to write some crap, but then I decided to go here
and do this
instead. I think I made the right choice. Ok, really REALLY, from now on, I'll be here for you. Anything you need, day or night.
For the record, that last post was a little premature, huh? I was going to write some crap, but then I decided to go here
and do this
instead. I think I made the right choice. Ok, really REALLY, from now on, I'll be here for you. Anything you need, day or night.
Monday, November 2, 2009
AWOL
A lot of things have happened in the last 2 weeks. A guy duct taped 14 pythons to himself to smuggle them onto a plane, for one. Did anyone see that? He said he just really likes snakes. Also, I saw an old lady fall down and I helped her up and then walked her to Walgreens, so I'm basically in the clear as far as karma goes from here on out. The main thing that’s happened is that I haven’t posted anything. That’s really something not happening more than something happening. Did you think I was dead? Well I’m not. HA!
I’ve been busy, and I’ve been getting a lot of whiney crap about the lack of posts, so I’m sorry. It’s hard for me, too, ok? I’ll be posting on a regular schedule again startiiiiing…now.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
GG 10.19.09: "Out you cableknit queen!"
Gossip Girl: Enough About Eve
Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.
So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)
All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.
AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?
Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.
"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.
PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.
Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.
I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.
"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.
"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”
OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.
This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.
Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.
YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.
Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.
"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.
“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.
Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.
"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.
“OUT you cableknit queen!"
"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.
Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.
Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."
"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.
This is my scene!! I'm right back there.
Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?
HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?
First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.
“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.
Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.
“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.
Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.
And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together
and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.
Sorry this is late AGAIN. I’m the worst. You shouldn’t even talk to me anymore.
So, Eric’s on a gay cruise somewhere with Jonathan (I assume), Nate’s a better actor than we thought (he fooled Serena! ok, maybe it’s not all that impressive), Dan moves awfully fast in relationships (duh), Serena sold out her lifelong friend for a guy (shock), Carter’s pride is even more important to him than his manicure, and Vanessa’s half black (or at least ¼.)
All About Eve dream. I wouldn't want to be Bette Davis either.
"Don't tell me it was Charade again, I know how terrifying you find Walter Mattau."
Walter Mattau is kind of terrifying.
AH YES! If we remember, I knew Trip was running for Congress.
The Buckleys want to send Carter to work on an oil rig to work off his debt? That’s terrifying. Do you know how much those oil rig guys are going to make fun of his tab front pants?
Arlo and Gabrielle would never have named their daughter Vanessa. She would’ve been Rain or Lake or Moon or some BS nonsense that isn’t a name.
"People like you more when they meet our family."
Jenny’s right, that’s totally true.
PJ Buckley is “a young JR Ewing in Earnest Sewn jeans.”
First of all, don’t buy Earnest Sewn jeans. They look great and the store by my office is like being in a cozy but way-too-nice-to-be-a-log-cabin log cabin, but I’ve had to repair the zipper 3 times on 2 different pairs and every single one of Joe’s 93 pairs has had a zipper malfunction, too. Just a heads up.
Also, these kids are too young to know characters from Dallas. I’m almost too young to know characters from Dallas, and I’m 600 years older than they are.
Serena learned to play poker when she was 9 from Lily’s ex-husband in Monte Carlo with Necco Wafers. I'm surprised that Lily even brought Serena to Monte Carlo with them, but not that she let her learn to gamble when she was 9 years old, while she was getting a facial and a massage.
I love Vanessa's totally believable excited dance when she tells minion #1 that she got the speech over Blair.
"Pay it forward" on the Arlo and Gabrielle’s voicemail. Oh shut up. Pay that forward.
"The preachy ‘I hate the man’ toast that she no doubt has in mind doesn't inspire the kind of deep pocket donations that this school needs."
She’s right, Vanessa would give that speech, and the parents at the dinner ARE “the man.”
OH no. This is not helping. I wish I could argue that PJ Buckley’s douchebag popped collar and half-spiked frat hair is an unfair stereotype, because I do have friends in Texas who probably don’t even know what the words “popped collar” mean, but unfortunately for my argument, I also went to Baylor.
This is Gabrielle? I don’t think so. I’m from Austin, and hippies don’t dress that well. And Lily’s not in the corner throwing up, so I assume she doesn’t reek of patchouli and BO. She doesn’t even have dandruffy dreadlocks. Please. Austin hippies would chop her up for eco-friendly compost and use her skin and bones to make kitschy reusable tote bags that say Keep Austin Weird in her blood.
Ah, the symbolism of the giant bloody pink claw. Mmmhmm…thought provoking.
YES! Things like the ridiculousness of Vanessa’s hippie parents is why I started watching this damn show in the first place.
Arlo “had to finish installing the solar panels at the chicken coop at the co-op," and is "organizing the union for local 72, the cheesemakers union."
Absurdity, you’re back. I’ve missed you.
Nate’s been lying this whole time?! He’s not a good enough actor to have pulled that off. Even to Serena.
"It's the agave, I refuse to use sugar."
"I'm afraid I don't worship at the altar of celebrity."
Gabrielle and Lily could have an opposite-value pretentious-off.
“Dan’s making Indian chicken.”
“Moroccan, actually.”
Vanessa would totally correct her. It’s a different country and entirely different cuisine, you idiot!
I think one of the writers had a Hale and Hearty lunch last week, because they finally got Moroccan chicken for a couple days and my GOD, that overpriced chain of corporate evil can make a delicious soup.
Did Olivia just say “pinhead”? Has anyone used the word “pinhead” in the last 30 years? Not that I'm aware of.
"#27 on the TriBeCa scavenger hunt. Kiss from Chuck Bass."
The what? That doesn’t exist.
“OUT you cableknit queen!"
"You really think I've never kissed a guy before?"
Um, no. No, I didn’t think that. Did you? No, no one thought that. At all.
Was there not someone on hand to hem Vanessa’s dress before this scene? Get some doublestick tape, she’s tripping all over that hideous thing.
Hilary does this annoying actress thing f-ing PERFECTLY. She even threw in a "totes."
"You're one of Blair's new minions."
I’m so glad there are minions again.
This is my scene!! I'm right back there.
Did she just call information for PJ Buckley’s number? For what, his landline? That’s listed?
HA… was that written or did Hil throw that nauseating "love you, too, bitch" in herself? Take THAT, Nicole Richie. You married her ex, but who’s laughing now?
First of all, if the mic was in Vanessa's purse, they wouldn't be able to hear her that clearly, and secondly, Blair would never tell Vanessa that she betrayed Chuck.
“Lily, you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where'd you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?”
You don’t come to Lily to be consoled and reassured, obviously. You come to Lily for money, tips on looking down at poor people and how to avoid getting an STD when screwing 90's rock stars.
Carter would rather work on an oil rig than have Serena feel sorry for him? I doubt that. Do you know what the Galveston humidity will do to his hair?
And you know, people who actually work on oil rigs are probably really offended by this episode. If people who work on oil rigs watch Gossip Girl.
“Travolta has a set of these, and he got really upset when I cracked his Freddie Boom Boom Washington. I’m kidding.”
“You weren't kidding, were you?”
“No.”
I don’t think Scientologists drink coffee. I also don’t think that Kelly Preston would allow Welcome Back Kotter mugs to be used while entertaining.
Gabby’s not coming to breakfast? What if Moonbeam hadn’t called?
Oh well, Vanessa is a really good crier, and even better at the I-have-to-get-off-the-phone-before-I-start-crying choked up voice thing.
And here we are. Vanessa and Blair have alienated everyone around them, so they’re forced to live in coffee shop misery together
and Carter’s off to Galveston to a scary oil rig job where he’ll most likely lose a finger or two, and worst of all, be forced to wear some sort of itchy, unflattering jumpsuit.
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