Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Welcome to the best thing ever

Apparently I miss out on Youtube crazes more than I realize. How I manage to never see things that have like 40 million views, I’ll never know. I sit at a computer all damn day long. I just found out about that penguin site today. I know! But thanks to my gorgeous, talented and hilarious friends Rachel and Jody, I didn’t miss this. And actually, it only has 98,000 views, which is nothing. Susan Boyle got 98,000 views before she got off the stage. That skateboarding dog has like 7 million. SEVEN MILLION VIEWS. So basically, Rachel and Jody are to be credited with the discovery of what is now my favorite thing in the whole wide world. Maybe second favorite thing…I really like Oreos.

So here’s the set-up: Brenda Dickson was a beauty queen turned soap “star” in the 80s. That’s really it. Enjoy.



As if someone could possibly see that and not be compelled to make a parody:



I know it seems like she should have died of shame and hairspray a long time ago, but I guess not:

http://www.brendadickson.com

She also has a blog, which is one too many things that Brenda Dickson and I have in common.

http://brendadickson.blogspot.com

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I don't get it

If you don't watch Gossip Girl, there's really no point in reading anything that begins with "GG" at all. It will make little to no sense. In that case, scroll. If you do watch it, comment away.

GG 4.27.09: It's full of mole men and middle class professionals



No Cyrus and a serious lack of great Dan deliveries, but Rufus's heartbreaking performance and the lines in the first scene could possibly have made up for it.


"NYU? What was i thinking, you know how I feel about ironic facial hair."
You know who had ironic facial hair? Hipster art douche. It's ok, he's gone. I know, I'm sorry I brought him up.

"I'll teach you everything you need to know...the best pot dealer, but first the most important of all, how to ride the subway."

"Nate, you're sweet, but obviously you've inhaled too much patchouli. There's no way i'm going down there! It's full of mole men and middle class professionals."
First of all, I grew up in Austin, which would be the hippie capital of the world if Berkeley fell into the ocean, so you'd think I'd have developed an immunity to the smell of patchouli, but I haven't. It's still foul. Secondly, I've never seen a mole man in the subway, but I did try to rent the documentary once at Kim's but I couldn't because they want your first born and half your 401k to rent movies there. Hipster snobs. I have, however, seen middle class professionals plenty of times. Wait, is that me? Shit. Oh, nevermind, I'm far from professional. Phew.

"Check out what dad was looking at..."
what? that gypsy ring?

"Rats go underground, not Waldofs."
"No man is worth suffering the indignity of mass transit."

"Gabriel is disappearing for a reason, we need to get to the bottom of it."
At least Blair's not a total moron. Is Serena too young to have been burned badly enough to not trust her non-boyfriend? Oh, she's 18. I keep forgetting.

Chuck's playing basketball with Nate on Forsyth and Chrystie? I doubt it. His basketball outfit is worth it, though.



Uuuuuuuuugh, Gabriel's pretentious-voice almost makes me miss hipster art douche Aaron Rose. Lily's gonna go into labor from excitment if he doesn't cut it out.
"I'm sorry to hear that, family's so important." HA, Lily, you make me laugh.
"UH, I asked the caterer for a '99 Brunello, this isn't a PTA meeting." aaaaaand, she's back.

"I see you're wearing your beret...who are we spying on tonight?"
I, too, love the beret.

Poppy's not stupid enough to jump out of the car RIGHT in front of the building. please.

"WHY can't anyone see a movie around here??"

HOW does no one think it's gross that she's barely 18. How old is this guy? I ask that every week, we'll never know the answer.
"I only have eyes for one girl, and she is..." a teenager.

Hey, there's V...where's she been?
"where you been?" ah, thanks, dan.

Did Dan just say "the V.D. Dubs"?

Is the hair stylist going through some personal problems? Jenny's hair finally looks decent, yet Serena hasn't owned a brush for like a month. It's weird.

"Gabriel's still popping Poppy"
"no no this is too MOB"
AH YES, the second one. boobs.

"We have this amazing connection...he said he fell in love with me the first time he ever saw me..."
"he fell in love with you while you were roofied, how romantic!"
Aw, teenagers are stupid. My senior year high school boyfriend, Nate and I said 'I love you' after like 2 weeks of "dating." I think it was in his car in the Taco Bell parking lot. Everything's romantic when you're 17. If we had been alone in Spain, my head would have exploded.

"he's having her cake and eating yours, too." ew.

WAIT, a music publishing company offered to buy the Lincoln Hawk catalog? Ummm...

"This place is great, but Murray Hill? Even your mother's too hip for this zip code."
hahahaha. AJ used to call it Murray Killmyself. It's true.
In case you don't know...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eylKBJiDNeM

Good Lord, Nate, they ran into each other on the street, chill OUT.

"she didn't steal me...she swept me away."
oh gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, i just threw up. Aaron, I'm sorry, come back

"the whole looking up and looking down thing...has a certain appeal to it"
"even though your life sucks right now, you didn't need an STD panel this week."

does jenny have friends who aren't her dad and her brother?

"how will the African teenagers send in posts to Gossip Girl?"

"i thought there was Mets game...i saw Dorota wearing her hat"

"he told Chuck that he met you that night at Butter, but htat's impossible b/c i know that Butter was closed that night because I used their bartender for the Nelly Yuki SAT Sabatoge Party"

"Butter? really?"
"it does sound kind of stupid when you say it out loud..."

wow, this is really serious music for this 'i can't afford to go to Yale' conversation.

OH NO, RUFUS NOOOOOOOO, don't give him all your money
I think I just felt an actual emotion.

i knew that hand-holding comment earlier would come up again.
"i can't believe i have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair"
Did the Huffington Post get an inside tip on that line?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/27/nancy-pelosis-hair-throug_n_170480.html

Georgina's at...JESUS CAMP. YES. oh, Jesus, I love this. And also, I don't buy this for one second.




"even her flaming red hair?"
Serena's smart now?

PASSION PLAY and paper mache apostles. it just got even better than i thought.

"She told me that Butter was closed the night that I allegedly met her there. and what the hell is Butter?"
He's from North Carolina, we can't expect him to know. Plus, it's not 2005.

OH GOD, this might be the most emotional i've ever been watching this show. Rufus's face giving Gabriel that check...

Whoa, did Nate just wake up? WHERE is the HAIR GUY??\
"you know, I loathe Murray Hill..."

"we pooled our savings."
"fortunately your tastes are very modest."
Yeah, you're not kiddin, Dan. Is there even a diamond? Have they MET Lily?

HAAAAAA Georgina's back. duh.

SCENES from next week..."I gave up my old ways and let Jesus take the wheel."
"THAT is a Carrie Underwood song."

THAT is something I wrote about just the other day. weird.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mark my words

As of 1:00 today, there have been 40 reported cases of swine flu in the US and 28 of them were in New York City. It's a scary thought. Also a scary thought…somewhere in a dorm room, right now, 1st year design students at Parsons have already started bedazzling surgical masks. They'll sell, you watch.

Jersey takes it

The Real Housewives of New York are completely ridiculous (although I give Bethenny a pass because I think she's hilarious, and she's only in this thing for the book sales, which I don't think she'd hesitate to admit) and they have no idea, which is what makes it so fantastic. If you’ve missed this season, Kelly is the newest and the most nauseating of the bunch.

Kelly: “I just don’t have time to work on Jill’s charity. I don’t even have time for my own charities!”
Luann: “What charities do you do?”
Kelly: “Oh, I don’t do charities.”


I didn’t even make that up. Point being, you have to be borderline clinical to make the Real Housewives of New York look classy, but by God, New Jersey did it. It’s pretty impressive, actually. How could they possibly make those idiots look better by comparison? Super guido trashiness ON TOP of the absurdity. That’s how. YES!

1. Dina: I think this picture says more about Dina than I could ever say.

2. Danielle: She prides herself on being one of the first women in New Jersey (and 14th person in the country) to have a Black American Express Card and her history of celebrity hook-ups is one for the record books.
Immediately followed by: An active member of her local parish, Danielle attends mass regularly and engages her daughters in religious education and community involvement through the parish.
That's just perfect. I can't make it better.

3. Caroline: Supports her son’s decision not to go to college, but instead pursue his "goal" of opening a strip club/car wash. That’s not a typo. A strip club, that is also a car wash.
At least make him go to Rutgers, come on.




4. Teresa: In the scenes from the upcoming season, she throws a table over at a restaurant during an argument. THROWS an entire damn table OVER. You’d think that things like that would happen a lot in Jersey, but I’ve been there for dinner many times and I’ve never seen it. Point Teresa.

5. Jacqueline: Jacqueline is Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas. She married into the family and you can tell that at some point, she was normal, but now she’s been totally sucked in and there’s no getting out. She’ll be hiding coke from the Feds in no time.





May 12th, we’re waiting. Incidentally, the message board for RHNJ is almost as entertaining as the show. “Real NJ Wife” and “ChaCha sMama” are really on top of things.

Real NJ Wife
March 19, 2009 - 11:34 AM
Thanks Bravo. Now every single housewife of New Jersey is going to have a bad rap thanks to these 5 wackos. Did you really do your research before selecting these women? I guess Dina Manzo is just looking for some kind of celebrity. At least let America know that her wedding was on VH-1 and she is just a gold digger. Why don't you finally smarten up and do a show on real women who have real jobs and real families, not nannies and housekeepers. But then again, I will let these so-called "housewives" hang themselves and let America see for themselves all the fakeness and back stabbing liars that they really are!!

ChaCha_sMama
March 22, 2009 - 06:42 AM
I think they choose certain characters in their Housewives show because of the drama.


You two should crack code for the CIA.

Friday, April 24, 2009

I'm usually right

I once (6 days ago) said that my friend Ashley will not be the kind of mom who annoys me. Exhibit A:
Marissa: How’s Patrick doing at home?
Ashley: He’s super chill

We’ll keep a running list, so other people can take notes. She didn’t say “a gift” or “blessed” at all. Not once. That is a gift, I feel blessed.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

So 5 years ago


I never mentioned this, but Sunday marked 5 years since I moved to the city. 2004 doesn’t sound like it was that long ago, but I dare you to look at a picture of yourself from 2004 and not gasp. I just did it. I don’t look drastically different or anything, but those highlights were working overtime. Wow. I was 24. If you’re as good at math as I am, you can figure out how old I am. Use addition.

Our first two months in the city were spent in a sublet in Astoria, and God help me, I know I grew up in Texas, but you've never felt heat like 98 degrees in a 6th floor walk up in Queens with no air conditioning. I remember a few times waking up in the middle of the night and seriously considering sleeping on the roof. I think the only thing that deterred us was the fact that the tar on the roof was melted and gummy from the heat and we didn’t want to ruin the sheets. It was miserable. But even then, I don’t think we ever regretted our decision to move. See, it just got sentimental. Took me no time to get there. I can turn that around in an instant. I should write for Scrubs, they’re always doing that.

Anyway, happy anniversary, New York. You’re kind of abusive at times, but I still love you. I know, you’re sorry and it’ll never happen again. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have made you mad. I’ll go get you a beer.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Brenda's probably dead

There is literally not any time, any day or any circumstance in which I would not find this tremendously enjoyable. I break it out when I need a pick-me-up. I was once asked on a karaoke 2nd date and I remember telling Lacee that I felt just like Chris Parker. "They want me to sing. I can't sing." Unfortunately for me, they didn't have the Adventures in Babysitting soundtrack, and there was no BB King-alike to back me up on the mic. Point being, I can relate to her. She can't sing, I can't sing. She's too old to babysit, I'm too old to babysit. Yeah, I get it, Chris.

Anyway, here she is, taking one for the team and protecting those sheltered suburban kids from not-very-scary Chicago mobsters. Chris Parker, I believed in you all along.

For the record, this part is particularly great:
"I got a call from Brenda, I went to pick her up."
"The tire had a blowout and my mom's car got...shot up."

Extreme surprise and pride on her face, that she figured out how to rhyme "up" with "up"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

GG 4.20.09: "Barukh atah, aye dios mio"



This week was all over the place, but at least Cyrus is back to add a little Jew to the WASP scene. And good thing. New York with no Jews is like Hollywood with no...Jews.
And again, Dan got all the best lines.


HA, this My Fair Lady dream again. It's so cheesey, but Blair's Eliza Doolittle accent is totally worth it. I'll get the crackers.

"just because i lost Yale does not mean that I'm wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved 6 times and experimenting with lesbianism."
Blair at NYU? Is she going to get a parttime job at Urban Outfitters, too?

"last night's entertainment..."
Synchronized swimmers are notoriously slutty.

Nate got into Columbia on his own? Yeah, I’ve heard that acceptance to Columbia is almost totally contingent on lacrosse wins.

Grandfather Vanderbilt's going to get her into Yale? Was that too easy? I think that was too easy.

AAAH, Passover episode is brimming with Jewish jokes.
"I'm one of the chosen ones! I was wandering the desert and now I've reached the Vanderbilt promised land!"

OH NO, Dan cater-waitering at the Waldorf's. That's more embarrassing than the tuna sandwich.

Ha, Eleanor. At least she's trying. Oy.
"I can't even say half the words in this prayer book that's named for Lieberman's wife!"
"Hadassah...I think the prayer book is called Haggadah"
It’s a good thing Dan grew up in Williamsburg.

"I don't feel comfortable serving knishes to Blair"
"you don't serve knishes at Passover."
Now she's an expert.

WAIT, Dan overheard Serena talking to Cyrus? FINALLY someone can hear something that isn't said directly to them. (last week everyone went spontaneously deaf. It annoyed me.)

"how does one not know if one is married? you're smiling!"
"we were together for a year and barely made it to junior prom...so yeah, it's a little insulting."
Way to play it cool, Dan.

BEST Dan delivery today:
"Yes, you're the wife of the landed gentry and I'm a cater waiter at a Seder."



"You go for a classic look with a black tie and white shirt and that's what you get."
And Lily's buying this? Please. She can spot the help a mile away. She would already have told him to get her a glass of wine.

Oooh, Jenny got Pop Burger for her Monopoly date. now I totally want Pop Burger. Those onion rings are like crack.

“You should move your gallery to the city, Williamsburg is already over."
haha, eat it, hipsters.

UH OH...Nate's making a toast. These kids never make toasts unless they're dropping a bomb.
"He was the one who had my father investigated by the authorities..."
BOMB.

oh crap, now Gabriel's here? How old is he supposed to be? She’s 18. Gross.
"Barukh atah, aye dios mio!" Amanda Lasher, thank you.

"The guy who answered said you'd probably be here...he also asked if I had any hash."

"you never mentioned him..."
"I'm sure my name's come up at least once"
Dan, Dan, Dan, I still love you. That was almost as great as, “she called me first!” to Aaron at Bart’s funeral.

HA Eleanor totally disregarding the seder rules: "there's even an empty seat. It's for Elijah but you can take it."

Are we to believe that Chuck gives a sh-- about what Jenny thinks?

Blair HAS changed! And I hate it.

"First of all, he's dressed like a waiter."
"I think it's a classic look."
I can't decide if Rufus is sticking up for Dan or if he's trying to sound hip.

GAH, Nate's so whiney. Quit crying, you wuss, she left with you, didn't she?

Wait, Lily, everything’s cool? all's forgiven now? She went to SPAIN. I got in trouble when I went downtown.

Oh they're not married. “we were just being crazy!” of course. or are they?

Chuck's just going to let Nate have her? And help him get her? The new Chuck is really boring.

Rufus is going to sell the gallery? And Dan’s the voice of reason, “so what are you going to do?” yeah, what ARE you going to do, Rufus? Following your dreams is SO much easier when your girlfriend has a billion dollars.

UGH, now Chuck's apologizing to Jenny?? AND PUTTING HIS DRINK DOWN? well I don’t like this one bit.

And obviously Poppy's using Gabriel against Serena. Like we didn’t see that coming. At least someone's still missing a conscience. Thank God.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Is this because we're so damn "green" now? I miss global warming.


So here’s the deal, it’s been cold. It should be warm, and it’s not. All the bitter status updates in the world aren’t going to change that. Finally this weekend, as if to keep us all from killing each other and just in time to boost Top Shop revenue, we got a taste of spring and it seems I literally forgot how to dress for warm weather. It’s been so long. I felt like a remedial math student trying to do one of those timed grid multiplication tests. Ah, don’t rush me! The pressure is too much! I can’t concentrate! Is it hot enough for shorts? Tank top? Should I layer? Will I be sweaty in jeans? Will I be too cold in a dress? Did I self-tan enough for bare legs? SHOES?! Flats? Sneakers? Is it too early for flip flops? I can’t take it!
My choices ended up working beautifully and we took FULL advantage of coat-less freedom, until Sunday when Spring went back into hiding. Maybe it owes someone money.

And it's not about leaving home when I was 18


Someone shoot me, sometimes I listen to Carrie Underwood. Okay, it’s out there now. This morning, one song in particular made a very fitting appearance on my iPod in shuffle mode and I actually found myself thinking, "I can relate to a Carrie Underwood song?" And then I threw up. It’s not the one about Jesus driving to the gas station, but still. I’m not going to give it away, but they’re all basically about the same thing, aren’t they? Except for the ones about Jesus. And the one about getting blackout drunk and marrying a stranger. And the one about felony vandalism. (Is that picture from that song about a cheating boyfriend, or Jesus Take the Wheel? There are pickup trucks in both, I'm not sure.) So, to whoever wrote the song that I listened to this morning...so true. So so true. (It's killing you, isn't it? I'll tell you when I'm good and ready.)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

STOP


At the risk of offending one or more of the 412 people on my Facebook friend list, I have to get this off my chest before I throw up on my keyboard. You couples that post things on each other’s Facebook walls that are clearly personal and should, by all rules of society, not be on display for the entire internet-viewing public, have got to cut it out. No one wants to read it, nor should you want your 400 Facebook friends to read “I love learning and growing with you!” (which no one should say on a Facebook wall or otherwise, for any reason, ever) or “Let’s stay in tonight…;) sound good?” Send a text, for God’s sake, you’re making everyone sick.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Awww...ewwww


Several of my friends have recently had, or are soon to have kids, and I don’t know if that’s the reason, but for the past few weeks, I think I’ve had baby fever. They’re so cute and squishy and tiny. I find myself smiling and sometimes making actual audible sounds of “aaaaaaaaw” to kids on the street, totally involuntarily. It probably goes without saying that I am in NO WAY ready to take care of an entire extra person, but I tell you what…a Saturday at Dylan’s Candy Bar full of sugared up kids in candy heaven saying things like “LOOK AT ALL THE GUMMY BEARS!” in their squeaky helium voices, is enough to make me want to hang out outside the maternity ward and wait for a nurse to turn her back. I’d steal an Asian one, they’re the cutest and I wouldn’t have to help them with their math homework.

UNTIL Monday night when I watched that day’s Oprah on DVR. (Yeah, I record Oprah, along with the rest of world. Get over it.) I’m almost positive the point of the show was to make sure that no one ever wants to have children ever again. Oprah doesn’t want kids, so maybe she’s just sick of them altogether and doesn't want any more of them around. She could probably pull that off, she’s very powerful. If that’s the case, she devised the perfect plan and I now completely understand what I watched. If that’s not the case, then the entire hour scaring the hell out of me was an accident, and Oprah’s producers should have tweaked “The Secret Lives of Moms” into something that didn’t make me want to get a hysterectomy. Candor’s great and I appreciate people who are comfortable enough to talk about their lives’ imperfections; and the part about the kids driving you nuts doesn’t bother me. I have almost no patience and kids drive me nuts all the time, so it stands to reason that my own will, too…but there have got to be some moms who don’t hate their husbands, and who shower more than once every 3 weeks. That’s dirty, even for me.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

GG 3.30.09: It would almost be scary if it wasn't wearing plaid

Well this just makes the most sense. And I like things to be organized. All the Gossip Girl posts together in one place. For eternity. Lucky you.


It would almost be scary if it wasn't wearing plaid


Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 2:56am

They're really whoring themselves out with product placement, but Dan keeps up the amazing work and Eric's back and even more sarcastically fantastic than when he left for wherever the hell he went that was never addressed. My life makes sense again.


Nate wants Vanessa to meet him at his place in a half hour? before school? what the hell time do these kids get up? and why is Vanessa awake at all? isn't sleeping in a perk of home-schooling yourself (HA, I'm glad that sounds as ridiculous as it is)

Is Lily off to an early morning cocktail party after breakfast? It's 8am, Lil, dial it down. you're rich, we get it.

Eric! He's back from...we have no idea...who cares, he's back!

"I do my cardio in the evenings..." the 2 adults bat an eye at that comment? nope.

"Does this feel like a sitcom to anyone else?" oh, Eric, you've been missed.
"Feels more like a reality show."
"Good, so i can vote you off."
"It would almost be scary if it wasn't wearing plaid."

"oooooh, Jenny cake..." ERIC what the hell did we do without you?

Ugh, Vanessa. stone washed jeans and those stupid suede fringe boots. did she leave the mansion and hit the vintage store and American Apparel before she even got back to Brooklyn? she was doing so well.

Chuck's been watching Blair every morning? And she's been bringing Nate breakfast? That's desperate, especially for Blair.

what was with that fake snow shot of the Brooklyn bridge? we know where they live.

"why did you just lie to him? the packet's right there."
does leaving the room affect Dan's hearing? i think he can hear you, there are no walls.

wait...he'll move in with her and live off her millions, but he won't let her fork out a lousy 50 grand a year? way to be independent, Rufus.

Am I watching The Hills? these Missoni money shots are killing me.

"making up and breaking up with the same high school boy..." she's IN HIGH SCHOOL

"the kind of party that you should be throwing...adults, elegant" well that makes sense. for the sweet sixteen.

"see, she loves it!" do the humphrey kids have a hearing problem that I'm not aware of? she's right there, she can't hear that?

oh GOD, we have to look at this outfit again.

did Nate just call Vanessa "V"? hold on, i just threw up. yeah, he did, he said it.

and give me a break, she would call him out on the Blair thing right then.

HAHA...Dorota's romantic backstory. and she calls Vanessa "girl from Brooklyn"

"Pour that Dom down the drain, Dorota...wait, is that the '96?"

Chuck's robe and slippers while "they're making fools of us..." perfect.

the Humphreys have a landline? that has a cord? It's Brooklyn, not the past.

my GOD, did they get a new hair stylist? WTF is with Serena's hair? It's a hemp necklace and some patchouli away from dreads.

hahaha, the doorman is reading Ann Coulter's book.
Dan's perfect Brooklynite liberal response...laugh condescendingly. "HA Guilty: Liberal Victims and their Assault on America?"
"Dorota get me, she said it's important to know enemy."

Dan's spoken Jeffersons theme song should make me hate him, but I love him more.

I don't think Serena can tell Poppy to get her a drink.

OH LORD, Patrick McMullan appearance. so appropriate and so annoying.

Would Eric let Jenny post the party at his house on GG without even saying anything? no way. not even Jonathan would let that happen.

"What are they doing here? What do we do?" They're like 2 feet away, why can't they hear them??! WHY CAN NO ONE HEAR ANYTHING?

"there are strangers having sex in your bed"

hahahaha...Dan's pretentious lit talk to pick up girls. You're not at Yale yet, Humphrey. good practice, though.
"the word used was uh...haunting...i love that...ah..."

wow Vanessa's goin all out. jealousy makes teenagers so bitchy.

"only my boyfriend gets to touch my hair" that was too cheesy, even for me.

AAAH Serena's hair is even worse. was SHE the one having sex in her bed?

"well, we ARE in high school" THANK YOU, Dan.

ew, Dan WOULD say "making love." sick.

"because she wanted CLUE and a CROCKPOT"
"mom...you could at least make an attempt to mask your distaste." Eric should never go away again. ever.

"when it was just me and eric, it was a pretty safe bet it was my fault.."
"thaaat's true..."

"it sounds to me what Serena put together was...delightful..."
hahaha, she's so amazingly pretentious. and yet, she's in love with Rufus. It's heartwarming.

HA, Dan's Strand t-shirt. so true.

"we're not needy enough??"
I live in a giant loft in Brooklyn and go to a private school on the Upper East side...and THAT's not needy enough?? He's so down to earth.

"the ducks do soothe me..."

aw, dorota's so happy for her

whoa, Nate's hair, too. how long has he been standing out in the snow? and WHERE is the hair stylist??

AAAAAAH...Savannah. And AGAIN, how did Poppy not hear that, she was right there

hahaha...nice job with Scott's parents' house in the suburbs, i thought i had accidentally changed channels to According to Jim.

Verizon Hub product placement. sneaky.
also, I'm pretty sure that the picture that comes up with Serena's text is my buddy icon.

If Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr awkwardly make out like this in real life, maybe he IS gay.

GG 3.23.09: "Slash? Seriously?"

Slash? Seriously?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 1:43am

1. There were so many amazingly cheesy lines in this episode, choosing one for the title was the most difficult decision I've made all day. And that includes lunch. Soup or salad? It's cold out, but there's gorgonzola in the salad...It wasn't easy.
2. This was Dan's best performance to date.



I'm glad they're keeping it current...it IS so cold still. I had to wear a hat and gloves earlier. BS.

Of course his cousin's name is Tripp.
The first of Dan's awesomeness (I know I said "awesomeness"...How I Met Your Mother was on earlier. I apologize.) tonight...he can barely keep a straight face when he says "Tripp"

"she needs to lick her wounds..."
"maybe I can lick them for her." EW.

BEST DELIVERY from Dan ever. to anything. ever.
getting out of the limo: "HA...WHAT! You said it was a manion, not a country club."

"let's show your friends the presidential medals of freedom."
"finally!"
Again, Dan. keep it up.

ha, shoplifting. that IS the first rebellious thing kids do. (not me, of course. I was a wuss. and I didn't stop at Bendel's--which, btw...is it that easy to steal something from Bendel's? I need new sunglasses...)

Lily's going through her 90's cds to remember who she's slept with. wonderful.
"next thing I knew, i was saying yes to lists."
Wasn't the list thing your idea, Lily? perfect writing...she would totally get herself into this and then convince herself that it was his idea.

"Slash? Seriously?"

MGMT's Kids is the soundtrack to Nate playing touch football with his cousins. Look at the lyrics, trust me. Oh, GG writers, you're so deep.

"I feel like a Republican at the Kennedy compound." how very ironic.

"welcome to the next 30 years." They're 18...so obviously they'll get married.
HAHAHA...Chace Crawford trying to play football. That's why theater kids are theater kids and not athletes.

"Good cop, Bass cop." oooooooh no. no.

hahaha...Chuck's giving Dan a run for his money with that look of intrigue about Santorini

Wait, did Serena just give Carter an actual paper plane ticket? I haven't seen one of those in at least 10 years. What'd she do, run to LaGuardia real quick? Even my mom books travel online, and I have to talk her through how to "click" on a "link."

They're doing a bang up job this episode of hiding Kelly Rutherford's unborn child. Kudos, wardrobe. (and director. and cameramen.)

Let's do a quick rundown of the highlights of the names they used for Lily's list:

Darius Menard: scenic artist on "The Oject of My Affection" and also for "My Super Ex-girlfriend"

Steve Krieger: special effects for several movies, but also set dressor for..."My Super Ex-girlfriend" So...who on the GG crew worked on My Super Ex-girlfriend?

Randy Manion: Gossip Girl location manager (and also PA for Center Stage, which I enjoy)

Ben Noble: Gossip Girl electrician

Chris Nelson: Gossip Girl leadman


"I'm relieved...please don't take that the wrong way..."
I was afraid you were a bigger whore than I thought. but you're juuuuust whorish enough.

"reception at the country house...it's very blazer and chinos."
Did anyone notice that Jenny's delivery of that line was very Serena-esque?
and I guess Bluefly's not feeling the effects of this harsh economy. sure, things were good when they were on Project Runway, but Gossip Girl name drops can't be cheap. can they? ok, maybe so.

"They're the Vanderbilts, not the Corleones"
ha, I watched The Godfather yesterday. that's nothing, just weird.

the family sausage grinder? is that a double entendre?

"I'm not gonna play Where's Waldorf all night"

aw, Vanessa's little shrug and huge smile when Nate told Tripp he was on a date. there's not a girl in the world who hasn't done that. except me, I'm way too cool for that.

Sarah Lawrence is her last resort. how sad.

WHOA...what is this?? Serena...straight hair. Were they rushed in hair and make up?

and Chuck and Serena getting along...i want to hate it, but it warms my cold heart.

"i can't even fit my lipstick in here, what could i possibly be trying to sneak in?"
"liberal agenda? universal healthcare? education reform? increasing state tax?"
I wonder how the writers voted in November...I guess we'll never know.

"you think the Humphrey's have a crest that Jenny could stitch on to one of my cardigans?"

HA, Trip's awkward hug to Vanessa. Be polite, but don't get any Brooklyn on you.

"as opposed to what you want me to do?...I didn't mean that."
NO guy has ever apologized that quickly.

"Hey! You! Garcon, with the bubble butt."

"though, i think she discontinued her '3rd trip down the aisle, only took the plunge for money' line."

HAAAAAA..."big fan of your sites..."

Is Chuck a guest at a Vanderbilt party, or is he working at a malt shop (I should say malt shoppe) in the 50's? More importantly, is he the only person in history to make a striped shirt and pink bowtie sexy? I think so, yes.

WOW they packed all the sex into this one scene.
"you see right through me...into my core" That was supposed to be dirty, right? sounded dirty.
"...you risk them walking away from the table for good...and who wants to play with themselves?"

HA, no one at the WASP party is remotely surprised at Serena walking up and slapping Dan across the face. not even a glance. oh wait, that one guy glanced. and thought, "been there, kid."

At least Serena has some sense about the student-teacher affair. oh wait, no, she's laughing, it's funny. nevermind.

"your list was a dozen people, how much more condensed could it have been?"
"13...and i'm not embarrassed about my past."
hahaha...I'm not embarrassed...and it's 13! I'm not embarrassed.
And way to turn it around, Lily. It's totally his fault.

He's finally going to tell her he loves her! no, he's not. please.

oh Lord. she was with Nate when everything made sense and it was a simpler time. we get it. textbook.

GG 3.16.09: I'm an actress...No, I'm a seagull...

I'm an actress...No, I'm a seagull...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 4:27pm

I tried to post this last night and it wouldn't work. Thanks, FB. Here it is.



AW Dorota playing with the hair piece. it's sweet.


AAAAAAAH...Nelly got into Yale. Does Yale send email acceptance letters? I doubt it.


hahaha...Dorota and Penelope. Maid off.


WHORE! What is she doing there? In the midst of a student-teacher sex scandal, you lay low.


Ugh, Vanessa and that damn video camera. It's so Ray in Drive Me Crazy. You know, Drive Me Crazy--1999--Melissa Joan Hart, Adrian Grenier cross-rip-off of Can’t Buy Me Love and 10 Things I Hate About You? Melissa Joan Hart’s freaky lazy eye is even lazier than it was in Clarissa Explains It All.


Carter's back? And he's with Elle? and Elle, you couldn't come up with a better fake name than Hailey?
I hate this whole storyline.


HA..."did you see how they were treating her?"
You mean to tell me that a teacher slept with her high school student, and the other teachers weren't supportive? Bitches.


Uh, why do neither of them know how to pass a note?
And does she just carry around an extra key to her apartment? Probably. Whore.


Who the hell is this blonde girl sitting with Isabel? I don't know her. Do I?


Gah, Jenny was not the person for this job, why can't she hide a note properly?


"People aren't jealous of you, Blair, they HATE YOU." Not me, i love her. And I'm jealous of her.


Serena's ego is WAY too big to admit this crush (and the fact that he's ignoring her) on camera.


Ugh, of course she likes him, he's a douche in a scarf. I can't take it.


I usually suspend all reality Monday from 8pm to 9pm, but I have a really hard time keeping a straight face when anyone says "Lord Marcus."


Serena, pull your cardigan up over your shoulder, it's driving me nuts. we see the boobs. it's ok. we see them.


"I just met him..he told me he was rich, so i thought he could help."
well...yeah. makes sense to me.


These two film society nerds talking about William Wyler...ugh.

"yeah, Bette Davis...I love her eyes, her hair is harlow gold." do 17-year-olds know that song?

"yeah, and i'm totally annoying." You said it, Vanessa, not me.


"Dad has it." YES.
RUFUS! Man, I love Rufus now. I'm sorry i ever doubted him. (wait, I got all excited...how did he know where she lives?)


"my thoughts come so fast, i get confused."
aw, yeah they do.


Carter's one of them? Wait, why did they trust him in the first place? Because he can get fake passports made? That makes sense.


"...all to get back at me for Teacher Gate."


GAAAAAAAH, could they at least have cast someone who we'd WANT to see do it in the costume closet? Poor Penn Badgley's looking at his hot real-life girlfriend all day long and then has to make out with this idiot? I bet he puts Visine in the casting director's coffee.


Mr. Campbell's really stickin to his guns. Ugh, I'm trying, but I'm so bored with this whole thing, I can't even pretend to care.


HAHAHA Blair waves as the curtain goes down.


Charles Isherwood...excited or ashamed about his cameo? I wonder.


"Serena, I'm gay."
Is Eric still with Jonathan?


Did Vanessa just say 'unsecure'?


HA..."turns out they didn't want to hurt me, they just wanted me to sign an agreement..."
I'm no legal expert, but I'm gonna go nuts and say that the most powerful business men in the country (world?) know a thing or two about covering their asses and might have the girls sign the agreement before they let them in on all these life-shattering secrets.


"you've got a good heart. you should give it to somebody who cares."


"she was spreading false rumors..."
Why does child teacher talk like...oh, a lit teacher. right.
And they're not really false now, are they, Rachel? whore.


HA, Dan, right when I'm done with you, you win my heart again: "we had sex in the costume closet, so you can do whatever you want with that..."


"Student sex in the costume closet...is that what they mean by heartland values?"
Blair's not really one to settle on the "you have to live with yourself" punishment, but if it'll get her back to Iowa and out of my life, then fine.


Aw, Rufus, you were doing so well...
"i'm sorry, too, son." WHAT?? For what??


YES...why isn't Dorota more excited?


Carter? Please. He's tied up with Kings, does he even have time for this?

GG 1.19.09: witch hunts are my valium

witch hunts are my valium

Monday, January 19, 2009 at 11:23pm

Death by Dorota...even Dan knows

whoa...not so down low. I know Lily's supposed to have gotten 4 hours of sleep, but did they really have to make her look like it?

gross, stop laughing, Lily. my teenage son heard me having sex all night with his best friend's dad, that's hysterical. Mom of the Year.

"I want them young and unstable."
"You can cancel that order, I already ate." ew. even for Jack. ew.

hey, child teacher is the girl from Related. I liked that show. Jennifer Esposito was in it...anyone? just me?

I'm so glad Dan and Nate are back together. they have so much to learn from each other.

WAITLISTED. well, obviously.

"financial aidiots" haha, poor people are funny.

"he's like a cafeteria lady who won the lottery."

"we get a free pass..like pregnant ladies or 14 year old chinese gymnasts" Eat it, Olympics Committee.

new child teacher has no idea what she's doing. This isn't Related, Rose.

"time to shuck the corn" wait, what?

Rufus doesn't even need Opera for Dummies, he's got a rich gay 15 year old. Eric IS Opera for Dummies.

wow, the girly laughing on the bed is so high school. it's like they're...in high school.

opera boobs. they've been suffocating in sweaters all winter! i missed you, boobs.
but AH--Nate's opera hair is making me nauseous.
and what the hell is Vanessa wearing? is that velvet?

they're really doing a bang up job hiding Kelly Rutherford's pregnancy. She held that tiny clutch so perfectly that I almost didn't notice the 6-month-old unborn child under that dress.

ADOPTION! of course! (i actually already knew that, but i can't reveal my sources. didn't i do a good job of sounding surprised, though? caps and exclamation points say SURPRISED!)

Jack in the bathroom and scary music! Lily, you may not be scared, but i am. i'm scared. OMG...near rape scene! be careful Jack, she's pregnant.

"my hair looks terrible...not since 91..." Thank God someone said it.

HA..."get a jumpstart on your veganism, have some celebratory seitan at Angelica Kitchen?" Would Blair know about a restaurant in the East Village? And thank you, Serena, it IS gross. ugh, vegans.

ew is child teacher flirting with Dan? I know she's a lit teacher, but he's 17!

"it's what's going to happen is what you should be worried about"
"is it war?"
"YES...I need to wait for my moment then I'm going black ops."

GG 1.12.09: What now, people? It's not like I brought a tuna sandwich.

What now, people? It's not like I brought a tuna sandwich.

"courage, nephew..." please.

so, jack is old enough to be chuck's legal guardian, but not too old to sleep with a 17-year-old? Are we to believe that Blair would let him blackmail her later with this whole New Year's thing? she'd stick him with statutory.

"why do you wear so much purple?"

the step girls in plaid this week. mmm, i'm ok with it.

"you noticed that thai waitress i was gonna take homoe the other night had a penis, so consider us even."

since when does Serena not get gossip girl texts when everyone else gets them?

AH Nelly, I like you less and less.

wow, Vanessa needs to work on her fake smile.

holy crap, Blair, does Serena know you borrowed her dress? and her cleavage? WOW.

HAAAAAA...Blair snatched that eclair off Isabel's plate like a crazy pageant mom.

Jenny and Eric...YES, this is the most realistic fight that's ever been on this show. I might even overlook that sick rattail braid.

hahaha "it's not like i brought a tuna sandwich."

Chuck's not stupid enough to bring those skanks back to the office. but he is. dammit.

well they don't technically share DNA with each other, right? I mean, it's creepy, but there's a way around this, right? No? too creepy?

"you don't think i've thought of this boy every day of his life?" HA. Lily, now's not the time to make jokes.

OH Rufus stop talking about your "rockstar" days in bed. And while you're at it, take off your wooden bead bracelets and leather cuff, they're making me dry heave.

AH the kid's dead, isn't he! is he? i think he is.

a little more hillbilly than you can handle? yeah, us, too. but i love love! i'm so torn.

I KNEW it. well, problem solved. phew.

wow, chuck's said "i'm sorry" 2 episodes in a row. this time with hot pink peonies, even. that's enough to make any girl forget about the hookers you caught him with 3 hours earlier.

He's dead, you can be together! see, good things happen to good people.

AAAAH He's not dead! mother fu----. I hate this kid already. I should have seen this coming. I got too excited.

GG 1.5.09: You don't surprise someone standing on the edge of the building!

You don't surprise someone standing on the edge of the building!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 12:52am

I'm just now watching this, so I apologize for the delay. here we go.


jenny's back in her uniform. with hot pink tulle underneath, of course.

WTF...is he in China or is he in a Chinatown "massage parlor"? in a kimono.

i know eric had dark hair before, but i'm still not used to him sans-
highlights.

nice FB stalking, Dan. we all do it.

now we're parting Jenny's bangs in the middle?

whoa, Nelly (ha) my friend Kristen had those glasses in 1988.

wow, winter white's the new black.

Chuck's in bad shape, but at least he's still in a velour suit.

"you look tan." nice try, Dan.

YES!!! she broke up with Brooklyn hipster artist douche. and we didn't even have to see him again.

whoa...PDA already? I'm gonna go vomit now, too.

It's a boy! congrats.

"I was gonna be a rock star..." HAAAhahahaha

Can you smoke a j on the CW? even if you're Chuck Bass, that seems like something that censors would catch.

Chuck WOULD have joints pre-rolled and in a silver cigarette case.

she is 9 levels hotter than Dan. that's the only lucid thing Jenny's said all season.

Plaid headband. it's not a bow, but I can live with it.

"I know, I was surprised, too...that's not entirely true."

suck it up, Blair, you have to impress strangers in argyle.

penelope's sleeping with her dad's junior partner. obviously.

"did Chuck Bass say something?" uh...i think Dan would know which Chuck you're referring to without using his last name, Rufus.

"in some Jim Morrison downward spiral."

YES..they ARE all in argyle. I knew it.

Dan found out that Rufus was calling adoption agencies and he's shocked that the secret is an illigitimate kid? I wouldn't tell Yale about this one, Humphrey.

"I frequently feed the ducks at central park..."

"i see her quite a bit on page six."
"and quite a bit of her."
yeah, we all do, lady.

WAAAAIT...Jenny did her roots between scenes. LIke we wouldn't notice.

Of course you weren't ready for a kid, Lily. You're 40 and you don't take care of your kids now.

"he has a thing for rooftops"

I know Chuck's in turmoil and everything, but his hair shouldn't have to pay the price.

YES...an "I'm Chuck Bass!" is always better with tousled hair on the edge of a 30 story building.

He took her hand...i think i might cry.

What the hell happened on New Year's??

do they not have tailors in Brooklyn? I know they do, in fact. Rufus needs Lily, if only to make him hem his jeans.

GG 12.8.08: Nobody's comforted by a tuna tower

nobody's comforted by a tuna tower
GIANT bow! there haven't been nearly enough bows on headbands lately. redeemed.

hahaha...Blair's eating her feelings in bagels with lox and cream cheese. so true.

no funeral cleavage, that's disappointing.

Lily's mom happened to be walking by the exact central park entrance when rufus walked out? that's likely.

Chuck's grieving has interferred with his hair. this IS a tragedy.

"well i got it first..." subtle, Dan. and mature. it's like he's...17.

Brooklyn hipster artist douche has a funeral scarf. i hate him.

hahahaha...fake hug and half smile. that's fantastic.

"that's when i got my first taste for single malt."

Lily wore her hair down for the funeral? Bart's death is taking its toll on everyone's hair. this is awful.

HAAAAA...why is Rufus's singing voice higher than mine?

"I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish."

Elenor is going to wear somethign on her wedding day designed by Jenny Humphrey? very YSL. Yeah, Jenny's very YSL. HA. NEVER.

Jonathan came for Eric! awwwwwww. gay teenage love is so sweet!

I wish chuck had caught Lily's hand as she tried to slap him but he's wasted, so he doesn't have quick enough reflexes. damn.

ooooh, Blair runs like a duck. that wasn't flattering at all.

AH! She said it! he'll say it back by the end of the episode. right?

Serena's really thinking about going to Buenos Aires for Christmas? and the question is whether or not to leave Dan? not her mom, whose husband just died?
"if you wanna go, go. if you don't, don't." of course that's what he said. i hate boys.

"this muffin is apricot. i wanted cranberry, they gave me apricot." good escape.

First the bagel, now crying and opening up to Cyrus? Vulnerable Blair makes me want to cry, too.

WTF is that jacket? and how does Jenny do these things so quickly? this isn't Project Runway. and there aren't 15 year olds on that show.

WAIT...did Lily just make plans with Rufus to go away for Christmas? You have another kid, remember? Maybe Eric can borrow Dorota from Blair for the holidays.

AH Blair gave Dorota a headband for the wedding.

OH. MY. GOD. Chuck...I...I'm..speechless.

Rufus's note to the kids said "it's all good" he's so hip.

The National getting some GG Soundtrack action...good for them. Lacee and I are pretty sure our cameo in their last video got them some recognition. you're welcome, guys.

AAAAAAAAAAAA...we knew it!

GG 12.1.08: I gave her that headband

I gave her that headband

Monday, December 1, 2008 at 9:55pm

"the whole 'Brooklyn artist' thing"
"it's an acquired taste"
Yeah, no shit.

Penelope would never go to Jenny to design a dress for her. She would never give her the satisfaction. please.

Lily's wearing clip-on earrings? Is she 90?

Aaaand there they are. that's why she had to change after school.

Is Lexi wearing Serena's uniform from this morning?

AH Brooklyn hipster artist douche SCARF. I want to strangle him with it.

Blair would NEVER think Brooklyn hipster artist douche is hot. NEEEEEEVER.

Obviously Vanessa would accept that dress. she's poor.

what a clever hiding place for the secret key to the locked drawer. under the paper weight, no one will ever find it. genius.

and there they are again.

"i gave her that headband" YES

BART! I knew it.

GG 11.17.08: What? My hair?

What? My hair?

Monday, November 17, 2008 at 11:29pm

Thank God they cut Jenny's bangs. maybe now she can see...how stupid that haircut is.

You know how they always said that the city was the other main character in Sex and the City? That's what Serena's boobs are now.

Hipster art douche's Bill Cosby sweater...ugh.

hahaha Blair's disgust faces are my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

hipster art douche and his many many scarves..ugh again. at least they're consistent. and realistic b/c hipster art douches do love scarves.

wow, she put them away for Thanksiving.

AAAAAHAHAHA Dorota's cell phone ring is Britney Spears' Slave. I f-ing love this show.

The FBI sure puts a lot of faith in teenagers. I've heard that. they're pretty laid back over there.

Nate's back on Vanessa now? That was fast. It's like he's 17 or something. oh right.

GG 11.10.08: Stop saying "guerilla fashion show." Please.





More than a month before this episode aired, I got these pictures from my friend Lisa in an email that said:
SPOTTED: gossip girl's Serena Van der Woodsen, outside our building in Times Square kissing a mystery man! so, S, who's the lucky guy?
see you friday ;)
lisa


Unfortunately, the lucky guy was Aaron Rose (hipster artist douche) sent to annoy me with his greasy hair and many scarves.


Stop saying "guerilla fashion show." Please.

Monday, November 10, 2008 at 11:04pm

"Serena, how's the sexy artist?" sexy artist?? sick, no.

Does anyone know someone who would have business meeting with a 15-year-old? me neither.

Chuck at a hockey game? HAAAAAAAAha, never.

Dan's meeting with the sr editor at NY Magazine? These Humphrey kids are really getting a jump on their careers.

Blair in a beret! oh, finally. thank you.

Why is Serena acting so goofy while she's posing for Aaron? I love her, but this is really annoying me. and he's a photographer, too? how cliche.
And AAAH! her face is everywhere! As if it were possible for him to creep me out more.

This isn't news to anyone, but MAN, they're really playing up Serena's boobs this year. every single outfit.

I really wish they would stop saying "guerilla fashion show"
And what's the big deal, anyway, Jenny? Make some new dresses and quit crying and screaming. it's hurting my ears.

"i wanted a harry winston choker for my birthday, instead i got a conscience."
(on a side note: Lacee and I once told 2 guys at bar that she was Harry Winston's daughter and that the giant cocktail ring I was wearing was a real diamond--Harry's graduation gift to me.)

the surprising thing is not Aaron dating every girl in Williamsburg, because he's a douche. the surprising thing is anyone dating him. because he's a douche.

HAhahahahah...Jenny's back on the street with her sewing machine.
and wow, she came to that divorce-my-parents conclusion in record time

Serena, put some clothes on! ooooh, he's bringing out her free spirit. I get it. he's so free-spirited. gross.

GG 11.3.08: Just when I think I can't love it more, I love it more

Just when I think I can't love it more, I love it more

Monday, November 3, 2008 at 9:11pm

Jenny and Nate need to stop kissing before I barf.

"Muffy's muff gets stuffed"...good Lord

"Guerilla fashion show" put on by a 15-year-old and the coked up teen model? wow, they're organized. But the over-40 crowd at the gala are enjoying the faux-punk hipster crap a little too much.

"but you're perfect..."
"True."

Aaron the Brooklyn hipster art douche is grossing me out. Cut your hair, shave that sick little mustache and take OFF that scarf.

hahahaha...where does Jenny think she's going looking like that, carrying a suitcase and her sewing machine? dramatic little runaway.

GG 10.27.08: Holy God, I love this show

Holy God, I love this show

Monday, October 27, 2008 at 9:54pm

"Blair, don't do it. you don't want your obit to say you died in Brooklyn"

But Serena would never be into this art idiot.

And Nate and Jenny--with that hair? please.

GG RWD--The Beginning: uh oh

Aw, look at the first one. It was just two little lines. How cute.



uh oh

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 1:44am

Eleanor Waldorf: "that's not my dress"
Jenny Humphrey: "no...that's my dress..."